Great Moments In Finley History

By Rich Funk

"Steve Finley was here" is something that can be said in many a major league clubhouse. And when you've been around the majors in as many cities as Steve Finley has, you're going to do some incredible things along the way. In this continuing segment, we strive to bring you GREAT MOMENTS IN FINLEY HISTORY!

The year was 1991. Nirvana was on their way to becoming one of the most overrated bands of all time. There was crap going on in Iraq. Mike Tyson was being convicted of rape. Yet amid all of this conflict and strife, a young outfielder on the Houston Astros named Steve Finley was mostly happy. Sure, he was on his way to hitting .285 and swiping 34 bases, but not everything in Steve Finley's life was coming up roses.

Steve lived in an apartment just outside of downtown Houston at the time and had taken up a new hobby. Steve had started to collect rare World War II era German pornography. The only downside to this hobby was that such delicate materials were shipped in massive amounts of packing materials and styrofoam peanuts. This required Steve to make multiple trips to the dumpster behind his building, usually weak from spending so much time with that day's German pornography shipment.

On the way to said dumpster, Steve would have to face Brutus, his neighbor's pit bull. Much like the baseball groupies lined up outside the Astrodome, Brutus also wanted to get a mouthful of Steve Finley, but in a much different way.

Now Steve had tried every trick in the book to get past Brutus in the past and was running out of ideas. If he were to continue his exotic and dangerous German pornography addiction, Mr. Finley was going to have to take Brutus out permanently. And even though Steve was living in Texas and had played in Baltimore for 2 years, he still did not own a gun. What was a young up-and-coming outfielder to do?

Steve put on his thinking cap and came up with one of the greatest moments in his history without having to leave his own living room. With the smarts of someone at least twice his age, Steve picked up the phone book and looked up the phone number of the guy that owned the dog. This took at least 6-8 minutes, as the internet wasn't around yet in the form that it is today. With the speed of a mongoose, Steve dialed the number, called the dog's owner and asked that the dog please be kept inside the house in the afternoon and evenings. The owner agreed.

Steve went to his window and watched as the neighbor (some say his name was Buzanis, but no one knows for sure) put his dog inside. Steve and Brutus' eyes locked for an instant and Steve whispered "Et tu, Brute?" silently into the night. Steve went 4-4 that night with 2 steals and after the game, met 3 underage girls that shared his deep appreciation for the dark side of pre-war German porn.

It was a good day to be Steve, and one of the all time GREAT MOMENTS IN FINLEY HISTORY!