Now announcing a Dodgers boycott

By Governor X

The Dodgers "saws and whiskey" medical staff has struck again: Juan Pierre is on the DL. I've been one of Pierre's VERY few defenders out here in Dodgersland, but the loss of him isn't why I'm boycotting.

I'm boycotting because Jason Repko is back.

If you don't know who he is, consider yourself lucky. He's only one of the sorriest sons of bitches to ever wear a Dodgers uniform. To thank the Dodgers for his undeserved call-up, he went 0 for 5 tonight with 4 strikeouts.

I've had to tolerate a lot of shit from this team in recent years and this year in particular, but Repko is the final straw. I'm boycotting the Blue until this sadsack goes back to Vegas where he belongs.

Steve Finley Was Here Fail Of The Week

By Rich Funk

Each week, we here at SFWH are going to single out one turd sandwich from here on the west coast and bestow upon them the honor of being the Steve Finley Was Here "Fail Of The Week"!

Say what you want, but any time you hold the other team to 0 hits and you still find a way to lose, that is what the internet kids call an EPIC FAIL!

81 to Go: Who Needs Hits?

By Governor X

The Dodgers took their offensive futility to new heights over the weekend against California of Los Angeles of Anaheim, getting no-hit on Saturday night. The amazing thing? They still won the game! For only the 5th time in MLB history, a team got no-hit and still won. Nice job Blue Crew.

Next stop...Houston. The Dodgers are goin' huntin'.

The Bank Is Closed...

By ,

What's up, brohamulus?

A clean-shaven Rich Harden completely owned the Phillies today. He pitched 8 innings of 2-hit ball, struck out a career-high 11, and threw under 100 pitches. This was his ninth straight start since coming off the DL. I know, I can't believe it either. This is the first time he's done this in 3 years.

This brings up an interesting question: If an offer comes in for Harden, do you trade him? I've heard that GMs have been afraid of his injury history (and hell, I don't blame them. When Harden threw over 100 pitches in one of his recent starts, I was screaming at Gamecast for Geren to pull him because I was so nervous he'd hurt himself. Side question: Is it normal to yell at Gamecast?) . However, now that he's pitching really well (7 of the 9 starts he's made since coming off the DL have been quality starts, and he has 2.15 ERA), I'm wondering if he'll make a good consolation prize to the team who loses out on C.C. Sabathia. You think that the Rays and the Red Sox look good now? Imagine what they'd be like with a healthy Harden.

Did I just put "Rays" and "good" in the same sentence? Wow. I need a minute. Look at this picture of a surly Bobby Crosby while I gather my thoughts:

Ok - I'm fine now. Anyway, if Beane gets a good offer for Harden, should he trade him? Let's look at some of the pros and cons:

The pros: Rich Harden has been a walking DL stint for years. If the A's could unload him now for a decent package, it could be a repeat of the Mulder deal. And as a fan, I have to say it has been frustrating to ride the "Will Rich Harden stay healthy?" roller coaster.

The cons: What if this is it for Harden? What if he's overcome whatever injury issues he's been having and is finally truly healthy? After all, maybe he kept getting hurt all these years because he was pushing himself to come back too early, and now that the A's have plenty of pitching, there was no pressure for him to come back ASAP from his most recent DL stint. Also, if the A's are looking to compete in the next couple of years, having Harden around would make that a lot easier.

I am torn on this one. I love Rich Harden, and when he's healthy, his stuff is fantastic. However, after watching him go on the DL a million times, part of me still can't trust that he's completely healthy. I keep expecting to read that Harden's shoulder was bothering him after his last outing, and he'll miss his next scheduled start. And we're not exactly starved for pitching - we've got some good pitching prospects in the minors, and Chad Gaudin in the bullpen. So if we could get any kind of offensive power in a trade, it might really help the team. But then again, good pitching beats good hitting. But then again, the A's have lost more than their share of close games due to quiet bats (ask Joe Blanton).

As you can tell, I'm undecided. I'll have to think about it some more. So I'll just end this post with another ridiculous picture of Bobby Crosby...


84 to go: Crash & Burn

By Governor X

In keeping with recent tradition, the Dodgers lost 2 of 3 to a so-so team and put another player on the DL. For good measure, they also moved a player already on the DL to the 60 day DL or as I call it, the "this guy is never playing again" list.

Who are the players? Do you really care? I heard and responded with barely enough enthusiasm to fart. If you guessed Scott Proctor for the 15-day DL and Gary Bennett to the 60-day DL, you win a prize. Click here to redeem it.

STP at the Hollywood Bowl 6/24/08

By Governor X

From the "I should have done this when I was 18" file, on Tuesday 6/24, I saw the reunited Stone Temple Pilots at the Hollywood Bowl. Also in attendance was Finley's own seldom seen Brant Brown. No traffic for this one, which was a pleasant change from the three hour freeway debacle to see R.E.M. I threw some trash at an LAPD bike after the show out of spite anyway. Take that Pep Streebeck!

Going into this one, I told myself if Weiland doesn't fall of the stage or otherwise embarrass himself, I would be happy. Scott and the band exceeded these modest expectations by a long shot, putting on one of the best rock shows I've ever been too.

Back to the show itself in a minute... As always, people watching was part of the fun. We counted no fewer than four Iron Maiden shirts before the show. I can't say I would even suspect anyone I knew owns an Iron Maiden album, but here are four guys who apparently do. Another gem outside the Bowl was the father/son pair with matching Guns N Roses shirts. Inside, the group in front of us consisted of three forty-ish women and two teenagers. I thought, "Hey that's cool, they took their kids to the concert." I was off a little. When STP came on, the old bitties started moving to the music and lighting up a bowl of weed while the two kids sat there nearly falling asleep. Damn kids these days.

Just before 9:00, after what I hear was an uninspiring performance by an uninspiring man, Frank Black, an AIDS-thin Weiland and the rest of STP takes the stage and goes into Big Empty. It was never my favorite song of theirs, but it sounded pretty good live. After that, they start ripping into the rock, knocking my dick in the dirt with Wicked Garden and Big Bang Baby. About this time, I text TMS bartender Chaim Witz to eloquently notify him that this STP show is apparently much better than the one he attended in Chicago not long ago.

With no new material to support, the set list read like a greatest hits CD, but you can't hold that against them. Hearing 16 year old gems like Crackerman and Sex Type Thing live and loud was more than enough to keep me and the sell out crowd entertained (yes, believe it or not, Core came out in 1992). Videos courtesy of some guy with much better seats than me who posted them on youtube for all to see.

The set list:

Big Empty / Wicked Garden / Big Bang Baby / Silvergun Superman / Vasoline / Lounge Fly / Lady Picture Show / Sour Girl / Creep / Crackerman / Plush / Interstate Love Song / Too Cool Queenie / Coma / Down / Sex Type Thing / Sin / encore / Dead & Bloated / Trippin’ on a Hole in a Paper Heart

King Felix Gets The Royal Treatment (Then Hurts Himself)

By ,

The Mariners beat the Mets 5-2 last night. No, that's not a typo. The Mariners did win a game...

And the offensive hero of the game was...Felix Hernandez?

Yes - King Felix hit a grand slam in the 2nd inning off Johan Santana. Apparently, the only player on the team who can hit the ball is a pitcher...Who hardly ever gets to hit because he plays in the American League. Awesome. And Mr. Santana, you'll be happy to know that King Felix figures this was his first home run since Little League. Good job, buddy.

It was the first grand slam by an American League pitcher in almost 40 years, and the first home run by a pitcher in Mariners history. So how did Felix celebrate this milestone? By spraining his ankle while covering home plate and leaving the game before he could get the win.

This is where I would usually make a Mariners joke, but there's no greater joke than the team they put on the field every day. Zing!

87 to go: Too God Damned Hot

By Governor X

LA lost two of three to the no-name Indians over the weekend and managed to gain ground on the Diamondbacks. God hates the NL West. I was one of the few who braved 101 degree heat to see Saturday's loss. The game was boring as hell, 1-1 through 10 before Scott Proctor came in and blew the game. Selected photos from the game:

We arrive to see buzzards circling the stadium...a perfect metaphor for the Dodgers season.

God of Death and Destruction Clayton Kershaw and Jason Schmidt take in the game. Hopefully Clayton doesn't catch Jason's AIDS.

Joe Beimel, Internet God

The big screen at Dodgers Stadium always brings you uh, "interesting", tidbits about the players. Here we learn what Jamey Carroll likes to do in his spare time. What doesn't it tell you? The drawings are actually of young boys.

Angel Berroa looks really happy to be here.

Daft Funk's West Coast Musings

By Rich Funk

Another Friday, another lazy, throwaway post from myself. Let's get a-rollin'!

  • As the Gov. pointed out yesterday, the M's are suddenly interesting, just because they've had no problem slicing limbs off of their coaching staff. It seems like part of the reason they're so willing to fire their off the field employees (aside from being a truly terrible team) is because they can't do much else. Most of the guys on their roster can't be traded because they are either fan favorites (Ichiro, King Felix), too expensive for anyone to want (Adrian Beltre) or just plain suck balls (Jarrod Washburn, Riche Sexson). So guess what, Seattle? You're looking at pretty much the same team next year! Between that and the whole business with the Sonics, God must hate Seattle. Probably because of the whole Starbucks thing.
  • Every week, I rag on the Angels for not being interesting at all. Instead of just complaining about this, I decided that I'll give them some advice. First up? Hire Charlie Manuel, the Mets' interim manager. Manuel tried to take Jose Reyes out of a game this week and Reyes didn't want to come out of the game. He made this clear to Manuel, and after the game, Manuel had this to say: "I told him next time he does that I'm going to get my blade out and cut him. I'm a gangster. You go gangster on me, I'm going to have to get you. You do that again, I'm going to cut you right on the field."
  • The A's had a case of deja-vu this week, facing 2 of their former aces in Dan Haren and Barry Zito. Both were good in Oakland, but Haren is thriving in the NL while Zito has been terrible and I have no idea why. Oh wait, Barry Zito is terrible. That's what it is.
  • Lakers = joke. Kobe being a "great" teammate all the sudden = joke. Doc Rivers actually outcoaching Phil Jackson = surprisingly not a joke. Andrew Bynum is supposed to put these guys back over the top next season? That's just going to be one more young teammate for Kobe to yell at.
  • It's hot here today. Really hot. It sucks. Just like the Padres (Didn't think I'd be able to work them in there, did you?).
  • Califonia is now allowing gay marriages. And yet I still can't find PBR in a can at any supermarket I wander into. What a crazy state.
That's all I got. Don't take any line drives off the face.

90 to go: The Reds are REALLY Awful

By Governor X

How bad are the Reds? They just got swept by the Dodgers. I'm not going to get too excited about this though. LA is going to have to perform like this against someone else before I start to get my hopes up again.

Winning will be difficult though thanks to the Dodgers training and medical staff. Kuroda is now on the DL. Brad Penny, who has been blowing ass all year, finally fessed up to the fact that he has been injured all along! He is now on the DL. Nomar, Schmidt, and Furcal may very well be dead for all I know. The one Dodger that is actually healing? The one I never want to see put on a Dodger uniform again, AndrEw Jones. When does the NFL start?

Seattle: Suddenly Interesting

By Governor X

Once so boring, we didn't even bother to use the teams name in their label, the Mariners are suddenly interesting. Unlike most teams who suck and are content to do so for years or decades or even a century (*cough*Funk*cough*), the worst in the majors Mariners are cleaning house.

GM Bill Bavasi - Gone.

Underachieving Man Child Richie Sexson - Maybe gone.

and today, Manager John McLaren - Gone.

McLaren, who took over after Mike Hargrove quit for no particular reason in the middle of last year, was sacked before the team's road trip to Atlanta. Jim Riggleman, who has enough Frequent Failure Miles to travel around the world five times, will take over the team for the rest of the year. With the Giants disappointingly almost mediocre, my hopes for a 110 loss team must now be pinned on Seattle.

With the GM and Manager gone, the next move is the on-field fire sale.

We are now accepting bids for this lovely CF from Japan! Sure he's overpaid, but he sure puts asses in the seats. Lesbians need not bid.

Stay tuned to Marinerland as your team may pick up one of these sad sacks for pennies on the dollar.

You Win This Round, Haren...

By ,

Due to the fun that is known as "interleague play," the A's faced former teammate Dan Haren last night. And he pretty much made the A's offense his bitch...

Haren - who was traded to Arizona in the offseason for six guys - looked a little shaky in the first inning, but then settled down and pitched 7 innings of 4-hit ball, striking out 8. The A's only managed to score one run against him. Why can't Haren be more like Barry Zito?

And as if making Oakland's offense his bitch wasn't bad enough, Haren also hit a bases-clearing double off his buddy Joe Blanton. What a jackass. But Blanton didn't do much to help himself, either - considering he gave up 8 freakin' runs in 3 innings!

But seriously, I don't hate Haren. He was great in Oakland, and 3 of the guys we got for him - Dana Eveland, Greg Smith, and Carlos Gonzalez - are already making a huge contribution to the team (by the way, did you see Gonzalez's catch in Tuesday's game? Fan-freakin'-tastic. Seriously, you need to watch it. Go here).

And there is one bright spot to last night's offensive explosion by the D-Backs: Chris Young and Stephen Drew are on my fantasy team. But then again, so is Joe Blanton. There goes my ERA for the week...

"What do you mean you're taking me out?! 8 runs isn't that many. Whatever. The sooner I get outta here, the sooner I can hit up Applebee's for that 3-course combo deal."

Richie Sexson: DUNZO!

By Rich Funk

Rumor out of Seattle today is that Richie Sexson is going to be released by the Mariners, possibly by the end of the week. This follows up the firing of Bill Bavasi just a few days ago as the M's try and donkey punch the weakest links out of their organization.

I think "Big Sexy" got kind of a bad rap in Seattle. While Sexson was in Milwaukee, the only thing he was good for was hitting homers and driving in RBIs. Batting average? I got your batting average right here (Points to a piece of paper that says .246).

Sure, giving him $50 million over 4 years was kind of a stretch, but in his first 2 years in Seattle, Sexson averaged 38 homers and 114 RBIs. Seems like what you should expect from him, no?

Sadly, Sexson has forgotten how to hit the long ball this year. Combine that with the fact that Sexson never really knew how to hit the short ball either, and you've got a guy looking for a new job.

Richie, don't look to your bat at times like this. It has no answers for you.

The 2007-2008 NBA Season is Over

By Governor X

I'm no Lakers fan, frankly I'm a Lakers hater, but this was pretty painful to watch. After a choke for the ages in game 4, they somehow managed to win game 5 to send things back to Boston. They must have missed the plane though because no one on the Lakers bothered to show up. There hasn't been a bloodbath like this since Waco.

How do you lose by 39 in the Finals? You're supposed to be good. Lakers Nation isn't worried though. They tell me Andrew Bynum will save them next year. They also tell me Bynum can turn water into wine and cure lepers. Oh well, the Lakers car flags will go back in the closet until next June right by the boogie board and two-sizes too small speedo.

Reality is setting in now...

Boston just won another championship. Fuck. Did you see that interview with Kevin Garnett? Someone needs to calm him the fuck down. Ritalin or something. Good lord, just shoot me now...they're playing Springsteen. Stuart Scott is giving out the MVP. Thats it, I'M FINISHED.

Utah Jazz in '09!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve Finley Was Here Fail Of The Week

By Rich Funk

Each week, we here at SFWH are going to single out one turd sandwich from here on the west coast and bestow upon them the honor of being the Steve Finley Was Here "Fail Of The Week"!

The Mariners had big plans for the 2008 season. After having a better than expected 2007 campaign, they decided to go for it this year by trading the future (Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman" Jones) for a bit of present-day action (Erik "Don't Call Me Pacman" Bedard). Seattle hoped to contend for a wide open AL West crown or at least have a shot at the Wild Card.

March 31
April 2
April 17
April 22

Those are all of the dates this season that the Mariners were able to go to bed with a record above .500. On all of those days, The M's were one game over.

The Mariners are now 24-45, 21 games under .500. What else did the Mariners expect? Did they really think they could win with a roster filled with the likes of Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre, Carlos Silva and Jarrod Washburn? Who the hell gave all these people money?

GM Bill Bavasi? You, sir, should be fired. Ooops wait, you were.

93 to go: The Dodgers are Awful

By Governor X

The only good thing I can say about the Dodgers trip to Detroit is that no one got stabbed or shot (that I'm aware of anyway). They ran their scoreless streak to 24 innings before getting a run on Saturday, and after coming back from a rain delay tied 0-0 on Sunday, it took them all of 2/3rds of an inning to blow it eventually losing 5-4.

Penny gave up 7 runs in less than 4 innings on Saturday and then promptly returned to Los Angeles having pleasantly revealed that his shoulder has been fucked all year. This isn't the first time a Dodger has hidden his injury from the team. These assholes need to have a clause in their contract that says they forfeit some of their salary if they hide an injury from the team.

Another injury is no big surprise. I've said for years that the entire Dodgers training staff needs to be shown the door. This team is plagued by more crap injuries than any other team I've ever seen. Its actually getting worse now though. Nomar and Furcal are essentially out indefinitely with muscle strains. Nomar is no real loss, but no Furcal in the lineup is really killing the offense.

There is nothing to like about this team right now except for Blake DeWitt and Clayton Kershaw. I will soldier on though.

Rich Harden Injury Watch, Part Deux

By ,

Rich Harden made his 7th straight start yesterday since coming off the DL, and it was another gem - my second favorite Canadian (Neil Young will always be #1) pitched 6 innings of one-hit ball, striking out nine and not giving up a run. This was his sixth straight quality start.

That's all fine and well, but what disturbed me about yesterday's game was this:

Rich Harden has shaved off his facial hair! And for the 4 of you who have been reading this blog, you know that Harden has managed to remain injury-free after coming off the DL sporting a goatee.

Now before you tell me "E-Claire, I highly doubt that a few face whiskers are keeping Rich Harden off the DL," chew on this: Harden admitted that he wasn't feeling "100 percent" after his last start against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County down the street from a Del Taco. And Bob Geren said that Harden's pitch count was being monitored yesterday.

Dana Eveland, Alan Embree, Joe Blanton, Chad Gaudin...You guys need to sit down with Harden and explain the importance of facial hair...It'll be a "goatee intervention" of sorts. And if he resists, simply show him this:

No facial hair = injury prone

Facial Hair = Hall of Fame

The Giants Make Huston Street Wet

By Rich Funk

In the bottom of the 9th in last night's Oakland/San Francisco game, the sprinkler system at AT&T park came on just as the Giants were down to their final out. There are a few reasons this could have happened:

1. The Giants were expecting to have lost by then and didn't bother re-scheduling the sprinklers when it took them about 15 minutes longer than usual to lose the game.

2. The Giants have resorted to cheating, using the sprinklers to distract Huston Street in an attempt to hit a game-winning 6-run home run off of him. And yes, San Francisco brass thinks 6-run homers are possible. These are the same people that put together Barry Zito's contract.

3. In an attempt to boost ratings, the Giants wanted a few shots of Huston Street soaking wet in tight pants. It did happen in San Francisco after all...

Daft Funk's West Coast Musings

By Rich Funk

These guys also got kicked out of Safeco Field for making out.

It's Friday. You know what that means? Another edition of West Coast Musings, your weekly* roundup of bits and pieces of news from the Left Coast!

  • We're just finishing up week 11 of the baseball season, and there's still nothing interesting to say about the Angels. Did you know that recently they won 7 games in a row? No? I don't blame you. I don't think a team has had a quieter 7 game winning streak in the history of baseball.
  • Oh, the sad. You look at their lineup and just about everyone seems like they could hit between .290 and .320, and yet they continue to struggle scoring runs. Remember a few years ago when they had the same problem and decided to bring in Jeromy Burnitz? Is a Barry Bonds signing far behind?
  • The Dodgers are also planning on playing Nomar at shortstop when he comes back from the DL. I can only imagine that this is because the Dodgers hate Nomar as much as the rest of us do and want him injured as quickly as possible.
  • The Padres? What is up with teams that we here at SFWH deem the "worst in baseball" suddenly becoming...decent. First it was the Giants, now the Padres are showing signs of life. Does this mean that you can expect the Mariners to string together a few wins and make a move soon?
  • No...they're just that bad.
  • Remember all that talk about how Kobe could be as good as Michael Jordan? Would Jordan have let his team blow a 24 point lead in the NBA Finals? Hell no! Jordan would have scored 70 a game if he had to. Kobe is not, nor will he ever be, Michael Jordan's equal.
  • How many people do you think have lost money in office "How Many Starts Will Rich Harden Make?" pools? You know that one person in the office that said 20 starts that everyone laughed at? They're taking your money to Arby's at lunch, broham.
That's all. Apologies to Mariners fans, but we don't have a quality baseball team for you to watch.

*except for last week...

Does anyone know the heimlich?

By Governor X

If so, please visit the Lakers' locker room post haste. LA went from being up by as many as 24 to losing by 6 at home, allowing Boston to take a 3-1 series lead.

96 to go: Weekdays in the Whale's Vagina

By Governor X

Ron Burgundy has declared the Dodgers are terrible. Who can argue with that? They lost two of three to the truly dreadful Padres, giving up 9 to one of the worst offenses in baseball on Wednesday afternoon. Fortunately I was spared this debacle.

The lone win in the series came in Tuesday's Kershaw/Maddux match up. Those two delivered as promised and then the Padres pen came in and gave it away to LA. In the next two, the Dodgers mustered only one run. Wednesday's game was an improvement over their last meeting with Peavy though. In the previous meeting, when Jake clearly had pine tar on his hands, LA got only two hits. Today they came up with three.

Go fuck yourself San Diego!

West Coast Swingers Part II

By Rich Funk

Fresh off their stint in San Diego, the Cubs headed up to Los Angeles and venerable Dodger Stadium, in search of four victories and the ancient bones of Vin Scully. Well, the wins were not in abundance, but they did manage to split the four games. Vin Scully still having a pulse? Inconclusive. On to the games.

Game 1: Cubs beat the Dodgers 5-4. Howry picking up the win, Saito, not surprisingly, takes the loss in the ninth, and Wood tallies the save.

Brant Brown: After two successive excursions to San Diego, I'm skipping this game and catching it on TV. Actually, I ended up listening to the last two innings on the radio in the car. Fukudome stepped up with a solo homerun, showing that he can indeed hit the ball away from home. DeRosa launches another shot, proving every day that he's better with the stick than Brian Roberts. As we realized in Wrigley, there is no fear when Saito is near. Thing were looking sexy after this victory.

Game 2: Dodgers beat the Cubs 3-0. Kuroda gets the win, going the distance, Gallagher is tagged for the loss.

Brant Brown:
I had two tickets in the reserved level for this game. I ended up eating them. Getting off work at 5:30 and having to battle the L.A. traffic proved too daunting of a task, so the wife and I went to a barbecue instead. Am I a bad fan? No. I was still able to sneak away about five times throughout the night to catch the score in the car. I clearly didn't miss much, as the Cubs were held to four hits and pretty much had their collective asses handed to them. I think I ended up making the wise choice.

Game 3: Dodgers beat the Cubs 7-3. Derek Lowe gets the victory, Zambrano takes the loss, and subsequently destroys two Gatorade coolers. Clearly they were at fault.

Brant Brown: This game was a mini-TMS meetup. Attending the game were me, Daft Funk, and the Governor. Before we even got in the car to make the drive, I was treated to a Pale-Off between Funk and the Governor. The Governor won. Both applied copious amounts of sunscreen as I watched. Breathlessly.

I've chosen to wear the Start the Riot shirt from the TMS store. This will prove to be a questionable decision at two points throughout the day. The first was when we arrived at Dodger Stadium. You know how they have attendants that check purses and bags before you get to the guy that takes your ticket? Well, apparently not having a bag does not automatically allow you to pass through this checkpoint. The woman badgered me for the contents of my left pocket. There she found my wallet. Believing the encounter was over, I walked forward but was met with an "Excuse Me Sir!" from behind. I then had to empty my pockets. At this point I realized that my civil rights were likely being assaulted due to the questionable T-shirt. After assuring her that I did not truly intend on starting a riot, I was allowed to pass through.

As Funk can detail below, the game sucked. After the game we hit a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle. Note to self: Do not wear a shirt that says "Start the Riot" to a predominantly African American restaurant.

Daft Funk: Meeting The Gov and Brant was a pleasure as always. We met up at Casa de Brown and hit the road, Stone Temple Pilots blaring. Traffic up to the stadium was almost non-existent. I should have taken this as a bad sign, as there is always traffic in Los Angeles. We wanted to get to the ballpark early to catch batting practice. Well, we got to the ballpark early, but being a day game after a night game, no BP was taken. So we did what any random fan 2 hours early to a game would do: we hit up the concession stands for some brats and beers.

At a previous Dodger game in 2006, I had the pleasure of being terribly underwhelmed by the famous Dodger Dogs. However, the brats they sell at the Stadium are 10 kinds of fantastic. add to that an $11 dollar beer, and you've got yourself a ballgame treat fit for the Gods.

The one thing that confused me so much that my head began to hurt was the fact that there were a lot of people at Dodger Stadium that had wrong stuff on. There were countless hats/shirts being worn that had no reason to be there, including the Reds, Red Sox (a mass offender), Pirates, Twins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Cleveland Browns, Minnesota Timberwolves and Toronto Argonauts. It's like the people of LA woke up and said "Well, any sports team is a good fit for any sporting event!"

The game itself was unremarkable and boring. Aside from Fat Z's meltdown (which we were in prime position to see), there wasn't much going on. Brant and I tried to get a "Let's Go Celtics" chant going to infuriate the home crowd, but it's kind of hard to do so when the LA team is winning.

Game Highlight: There was a woman sitting in front of us with her husband that actually snuck a banana into the game in an attempt to get it to Zambrano so he wouldn't cramp up during the game. So the whole game, whenever Zambrano did anything good or bad, she would hold the banana up in the air and wiggle it around. When she wasn't doing that, she would just sit with it in her lap, idly petting it. Billions of dirty jokes were popping up (no pun intended) every minute we were there.

A little later into the game, the usher near us popped a beach ball that was making the rounds around our section. Most people booed, but Gov Gray and I tried to cheer her on for doing away with the disgrace to baseball. She gave us a really bitchy look and kept walking past our section. There's no need for that, miss. So after the game, the Gov was able to sweet talk the lady in front of us into giving him the banana she had. On our way out, Gov went down to the usher that had given us the cold shoulder and presented her with the banana as a peace offering. The look on her face was equal parts bewilderment, fury, confusion and unbridled horniness. Mission accomplished, Governor.

The other highlight of the day was a trip to Roscoe's House Of Chicken and Waffles in Long Beach. I didn't get to check, but I'm sure Kid Rock was there. I'm sure he wanted to punch someone in the face as usual. The highlight of the trip? Roscoe's in Long Beach is definitely a place where Caucasians like us were clearly outnumbered by an easy 5-1 count. Now I have no problem with this, but the fact that Brant was wearing a shirt that said "Start The Riot" made me a little uneasy.

Governor Gray Davis: Vin Scully: still alive and calling games in the vastly underrated one man booth, Harry Carey's alcohol pickled corpse in the ground somewhere - PWNED.

Its good to finally meet Funk and compare notes on paleness. For the game, I decide the only way I can out-shout the Cubs fans in attendance is too get drunk, so I start drinking $12 Dos Equis immediately upon arrival. It works wonders. The Dodgers haven't won a game I've attended in years, but the streak is at an end as Fat Z melts down and starts giving up runs to LA's dreadful offense left and right. I become emboldened and start singing "I Love LA" much to the chagrin of Funk and Brant.

The usher who popped the beach ball is utterly humorless. She clearly hates her life. Think about it - 99 times out of 100 if you randomly give someone a banana, you'd at least get a grin from the sheer absurdity of it all. Nothing from this girl.

As Saito strikes out some Cubs in the 9th, the Randy Newman starts playing and I'm happier than a pig in shit. We make our way out to the parking lot and after heckling some Cubs fans, I get ice thrown at me. Its OK though because we're in Brant's car. The Roscoe's is a great way to cap off this glorious day of baseball.

Game 4: Cubs defeat the Dodgers 3-1. Marquis (amazingly!) gets the victory, Penny is handed the defeat, Wood notches another save.

Brant Brown: In attendance for this game are myself, the wife, and the Governor. Again, we get to the park way too early, but at least this time we can take in batting practice. It was fun to see Zambrano hack at the ball, but one has to wonder how long it will be until he pulls a muscle swinging too hard. I hope Lou doesn't seriously use him as a DH in the American League parks.

This was the ESPN game of the week, so plenty of dignitaries were on hand. We had a good view on the field of the beached whale known as Jon Miller, and I stalked Peter Gammons throughout the game on my camera. Vince Vaughn was also taking in the game in the first row behind the Cubs dugout. I saw Gammons chatting him up on one occasion, and between innings, Soto tossed Vaughn a ball on his way back to the dugout.

The early homer by DeRosa was great, and Lee had that great stop in the 8th inning with the toss to Marmol. Wood closing down the Dodgers was a great way to end the road trip and wrap up our yearly excursions.

Governor Gray Davis: Horse and feeling the sting of overpriced beer from the day before, I decide not to drink too much today. Big mistake. After showing flashes of offense the day before, the Dodgers barely show up and get shut down by Jason Marquis. How the hell does that happen?

I have no love for this game at all. Basically, everything bad about the 2008 Dodgers is on display tonight. The only highlights for me are seeing Peter Gammons and the wonderful Camacho Nachos I pick up around the 5th inning. Even the team store is a disappointment. Its the Dodgers 50th anniversary in Los Angeles and they have virtually nothing for sale denoting that fact. At least Brant's "I heart Soto" shirt has the wrong number on it.

The mysterious $12 beer from Dodger Stadium.

How much to get drunk and watch this awful team?

Droppin' the F-Bomb. Fukakke!

The now famous "Banana Incident". She's totally checking out Gov's ass.

Peter Gammons: True Pimp.

On the way out of the stadium.

The Dodger offense this season.

Chicago Cubs: West Coast Swingers

By Rich Funk

For us Southern California Cub fans, every season gives us one week in which our lives are dictated by the schedule making gods. The West Coast swing by the Cubs is our opportunity to turn Petco Park into Wrigleyville West, and to make just enough of a presence at Dodger Stadium to hear the catcalls and death threats from heavily tattooed, overweight, bald Hispanic men. Consider the events of the last week Mission Accomplished. Today we will bring you the events that transpired for our brave TMS Bartenders in San Diego, followed by the trials and tribulations of the Los Angeles experience tomorrow.

Game 1: Cubs defeat the Padres 7-6. Zambrano gets the victory, Baek the loss, Wood the save.

Um, we're off to a rousing start, as none of us went to this game. Seriously though, it was a Monday. Mondays are bad enough as it is.

Game 2: Cubs defeat the Padres 9-6. Marquis stunningly gets a victory, Bryan Corey??? the loss, Wood the save.

Brant Brown: Homerun derby for the Cubs in this one, as Soriano, Soto, and DeRosa all hit shots out of the park. The wife and I left Orange County at 4pm and made the drive to San Diego in a fleet hour and twenty minutes. As has become a trend with us, we parked at the convention center and used their facilities. I think I've done everything in the convention center restrooms shy of propositioning a man.

Since we had some time to kill before the game, we stopped at our favorite bar in the Gaslamp, The Blarney Stone. The place was dead, just how we like it. One of the televisions was showing the NCAA Softball Championship game between Arizona State and Texas A&M. We had a fascinating conversation with the bartender (the only bartender I've ever seen there) about softball, particularly why they don't wear hats when they play the field. We chalked it up as another great mystery of life, ate a chicken quesadilla, and made our way into Petco.

We took our seats in the field level and were soon joined by Daft Funk and E-Claire. We were absolutely surrounded by Cubs fans, and these were by no means the cheap seats. The lone Padres supporter sitting directly behind me was a bitter old man that kept yelling at us to sit down and be quiet. To him, we're very sorry that our team actually gives us something to cheer about. At some point during the game, my jacket made it's way onto the ground and under my seat. When I retrieved it at the end of the night, it was soaked in some liquid. I blame the old guy.

Aside from the old man, everyone was putting their full effort into chants of "Let's Go Cubbies". The pre- and post-game radio broadcasts for the Padres kept conveying how Padres fans should be embarrassed by this showing. Some random jerkoff Padres fan in the men's bathroom, outnumbered by Cubs fans 4-1, yelled to us "why don't you all fucking go back to the Midwest!". We just looked at him and shook our heads. Poor Padres fans.

Daft Funk: Despite the fact that I reside in San Diego, I had never been to Petco Park, so this was a treat. Traffic was non-existent, which already put Petco over the likes of Dodger Stadium, Angels Stadium of Orange County of California, and...well, pretty much anywhere in the LA/OC area.

Anyway, as Brant already said, the game was not even as close as the final score of 9-6 indicates. After Soriano's 3 run donkeypunch off Guevara in the 8th, all the Padres fans headed to the exits. From that point on, it was literally 95% Cub fans. There were enough of us there to start a loud and clear "Ge-o So-to" chant in the 9th inning. Kerry Wood came in and blew motherfuckers away too.

Random Note #1: Soriano's 3 run jack in the 8th was off a player listed on the scoreboard as "C. Guevara". Now was this actually the Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara? Or was it just Benicio Del Toro playing Che on the mound? Either way, Benicio's gotta spend less time looking strung out and more time learning a change-up.

Random Note #2: As Brant mentioned, there were some geezers behind us. We stood up with all the other Cub fans when the bases were loaded with a full count. They yelled at me to sit down. I told them no, and that everyone else was standing too. Then the old man looked me dead in the eyes and said "Fuck you! Sit down!" I've never had a man of 528 years of age swear at me before. It was awesome.

Random Note #3: When E-Claire and I were waiting around for food, a cotton candy guy came up to us and started telling us that we needed to buy cotton candy because "you don't have this stuff in the Midwest". When I told him that there actually was cotton candy in the Midwest, he then tried to sell me on the fact that he had woke up at the crack of dawn and hand-picked the cotton candy for me himself. I told him I didn't have any cash, but he wouldn't give up. He told me that there was an ATM right around the corner, to which I said "True, but that comes with a $5 service charge." He then relented and said that he hated ATM's because they were driving down his business. He then walked away yelling "I hate ATM's! No one use ATM's!" at anyone around him. Stay classy, indeed...

Random Note #4: Michael Barrett was a victim of the double steal...twice in one game!

E-Claire: For the 3 of you that read my posts, you know that I am an A's fan. However, I'm happy to throw my support behind the Cubs (as long as they're not playing the A's in interleague). So Daft Funk and I headed to Petco to meet Mr. and Mrs. Brant Brown...

When Funk and I first got to the park, we were a little confused as to where our seats were located. However, a lady quickly noticed our despair, and pointed us in the right direction after looking at our tickets. When we said "thanks," she responded "It's ok. I live in San Diego." Um...thanks for the info, lady. We live in San Diego, too. I'm glad we have something in common.

Although the Cubs were losing for the first few innings, excitement was brewing. Why? Because Wil "Whatshisname" Ledezma was throwing a no-hitter! I started to wonder "Could we possibly witness history tonight?" But then he lost the no-no in the third and I went back to enjoying my churro (that thing was good...I mean real good. I want to be friends with it. Either you just got my Anchorman reference or I came across looking like a weirdo and/or pervert. I'm happy with either outcome).

Like Daft said, the final score seemed like the game was a lot closer than it actually was. The Cubs hit a bunch of home runs, and stole a bunch of bases because Michael Barrett's arm is about as strong as a non-alcoholic beer. Zing! But seriously, he's awful. And I, too, didn't appreciate the angry man behind us telling us to sit down during an exciting moment in the game (the Cubs were in a position to take the lead). Dude, this is a baseball game. If you want to hang out in an environment with well-behaved, seated citizens, then you should've gone to Bingo Night at the Legion Hall, instead.

Things started to get a little complicated for me in the later innings because in addition to paying attention to the Cubs/Padres game, I was trying to monitor the A's/Tigers game on Funk's phone. I probably looked like a total douchebag standing up to cheer while staring at a cell phone screen, but I like to think I'm just a good multitasker. The A's ended up winning the game in extras on an infield single by Jack Cust. Yes, you read that correctly. Jack Cust legged out an infield single. How the hell did he manage that?! He must've been picturing Miguel Cabrera as a giant Twinkie or something for extra motivation.

Oh yeah...Back to the Cubs game...After a semi-comeback by the Padres in the 8th, Kerry Wood and his beard shut the door in the ninth to secure the win. Then, all of the Cubs fans sang a rousing rendition of "Go Cubs Go" on the opposing team's turf. It was pretty cool. I stopped for another churro on the way out (what? They were good!)...

Game 3: Padres defeat the Cubs 2-1. Heathcliff Slocumb Bell gets the win, Machine Gun Lilly the loss, AARP member Trevor Hoffman the save.

Brant Brown: Like the day before, I left work at 4pm to make the drive to SD, this time sans wife. Daft and I were meeting up for what would hopefully be a more rowdy boys-only game. Man did we peg that one wrong. It took me two and a half god damned hours to drive to SD this time. There was a very slight amount of drizzle on the freeway, which in Southern California, essentially shuts down all roadways. The drivers here are the most pathetic pieces of shit when it comes to any driving conditions other than "sunny". Per usual, I parked at the convention center and took a leak. Knowing that Daft was also stuck in traffic, I proceeded into the stadium on my own, grabbed a brat and a Stone IPA, and took my seat. Essentially the same seats as the night before, except along the first baseline. In fact, these seats were a bit better as there was no overhang and the scoreboard was directly in front of us. It was all downhill from here though.

The retarded Hairston brother (no, not the retarded Hairston brother that played for the Cubs, and not his shady looking father) hits a leadoff homer immediately quieting the Cub crowd. Daft and I tried our damnedest to boo Edmonds, but we only seemed to confuse everyone around us. I yelled "Asshole!" a couple times, but there was a little girl two rows in front of us that just stared me down as if I had thrown her puppy in the dryer. There really wasn't much to get excited about in this game. Lilly settled down and pitched decent enough, but we couldn't string any hits together. One positive is that the game was short, two hours sixteen minutes, so we left the stadium and hit up The Blarney Stone for a nightcap. Oh yeah, I also met Brian Giles outside the stadium, as evidenced by the accompanying photo.

Anyway, the third game was not as spectacular as the other two, but it held it's own as the yearly rite of passage for dislocated Cubs fans.

Daft Funk: What a terrible experience. Yes, it was raining, which made the traffic terrible. I also had to drive near Qualcomm Stadium to get to Petco, which was housing some kind of soccer game that night, making traffic even worse. By the time I got into the stadium and joined Brant, the Cubs were looking at a 1-0 deficit. We were surrounded by nothing but old people and kids, so cursing up a storm was pretty much out. Both Maddux and Lilly were on their games, so the game went by so quickly that when Trevor Hoffman struck out the side to end the game, we didn't feel like it was actually over because we had only been there for about 13 minutes.

We did have a few douchebag Padre fans around us though. Sitting to my left was a dude that would rate a 9 on the Douchebag Scale and his girlfriend that was wearing her thong pulled up so high above her pants, she could have worn the straps over her shoulders. Don't forget about the tramp stamp tattoo. Anyway, the first thing the guy says to his girlfriend when they sit down is "Do you want me to buy you a Padres blanket from the store so you can stay warm?" Yeah, he was that guy. Also, it was about 67 degrees at game time.

On the way out, Brant posed with Brian Giles and helped him with a little "manscaping". We hit up this bar that was OK, but the song selection for when we were there was something like this:

K.T. Tunstall

Seriously...they played Nickelback twice within 4 songs. It could have been more...I don't remember because I blacked out at that point on account of the terrible choices in music.

The highlight of the evening was the Petco Park garlic fries. It took the combined efforts of both Brant and myself to defeat them, but they were a tasty treat. They were so good in fact, that they continued to "deliver" into the next day at work. My co-workers were not pleased.

All in all, it was about a 5 out of 10 on the fun scale. If we would have been able to swear more and neither of us had to drive anywhere, it could have had the potential to be a "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave" evening. Oh well...there's always next year for San Diego.

Wednesday: The L.A. Experience

99 to go: Fukutoo

By Governor X

Nice job didn't lose a series! You didn't win either, but I'm grasping at straws. They split the four game set with the Cubs 2-2. More importantly, they broke my in-attendance losing streak dating back to the Carter administration on Saturday.


Chin Lung Hu, we hardly knew ye. After a sorry month of filling in for the indefinitely injured Rafael Furcal, Hu is back down in Las Vegas to nurse that .159 average. To plug the hole at short, the Dodgers acquired former Rookie of the Year Angel Berroa from the Royals for some big league chew and a 12 pack of Natty Ice.

Don't Even Think About It

The Dodgers called up Andy LaRoche. Torre: Don't even think about benching the 2008 Rookie of the Year DeWitt... You know guys in La Cosa Nostra sure, but I've got contacts in the Yakuza who will kill a guy 7 times before he hits the ground.

Zambrano Hates Gatorade - The AP Hates All of Us

After giving up 7 runs to LA (which counts as 21 runs against a normal offense), Zambrano beat the living shit out of some Gatorade. Naturally, the AP has no pictures of this online. Assholes.

Obi-wan Kuroda and Jeff Weaver...Linked by History

On Friday, Hiroki Kuroda gave the Dodgers their first complete game shut out since Jeff Weaver wore Dodger blue.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Still fat. Still plagued by huge warts. Still on the DL.

You Stay Classy, San Diego...

By ,

Since I live in San Diego, I feel like I should write something about the Padres. However, I don't really have much to say about them - their best pitcher is on the DL, most of their every day players are unrecognizable, and as of right now, even the Giants have a better record than they do. So after much thought (a whole 5 minutes, which has to be some kind of record for me), I've decided, with the help of Daft Funk, to compare the members of the Padres to the cast of Anchorman - since it was set in San Diego. Because much like Danny Trejo - who played "bartender" - if you saw someone on the Padres walking down the street, you'd probably say "Hey, aren't you that guy?"...

Ron Burgundy - Greg Maddux. He's the "veteran" who's set in his ways and is trying to lead the rest of the team. He enjoys poetry, a nice glass of scotch, and peeing on rookies in the shower. And with 350 wins under his belt, he's kind of a big deal...

Brian Fantana - Brian Giles. He's very much into keeping his appearance up - he shaves his whole body and fake-tans every day. And Fantana also likes to keep his appearance up (remember his giant closet of cologne?). Also, it's rumored that Giles walks around naked in the clubhouse, so I bet he has a name for his penis. I hope he knows "The Octagon" has already been claimed by Fantana. Also, they have the first name. So they've got that going for them, which is nice (crap, I am cross-referencing other movies. I can't confuse myself like this).

Champ - Jake Peavy. Champ wore a cowboy hat, and Peavy recently sang at a Kenny Chesney concert. When in Rome...

Brick - Michael Barrett. "Hi, I'm Michael Barrett. Opposing teams seem to like me because I can't hit, can't catch anyone stealing, and punch my teammates." LOUD NOISES!

Veronica Corningstone - Adrian Gonzalez. Much like Veronica, Gonzalez is the wave of the future for the Padres. Sometimes it seems like he's the only competent one in a roomful of idiots. But rumor has it that he recently received a call from a Dr. Chim Richalds, who told him he has to quit baseball because he's knocked up.

Motorcycle guy who punts Baxter - Chris Young. Jack Black got knocked off his bike and was bleeding. Chris Young got knocked in the nose by a baseball and was bleeding. I think this connection is good enough...

Baxter - Trevor Hoffman. Someone needs to punt him off a bridge. At this point, his pitching is nothing of wonder. But if he pooped in the refrigerator and ate the whole wheel of cheese, now that would be different. I'm not even mad - that's amazing...

Ed Harken - Bud Black. Surrounded by idiocy, he just tries his best to keep things together.

"Greg, are you paying attention?"
"Well, this concerns all of us."

Lesbian Night at Safeco a Bust

By Governor X

When a team is struggling, they'll try damn near anything to put asses in the seats. At 21-39, even Ichiro isn't bringing in the crowds to see the Mariners anymore so they had to do something radical:

"Hot Lesbian Action Night"

Our google hits just went up 15,000%. The M's hoped their attendance would increase too, but it wasn't to be. As the team struggled on the field, a lesbian couple got things going only to have an usher ask them to stop. Apparently a fan complained, using the old "how do I explain two women kissing to my children?" line.

Of course the real question that fan should be asking is "How do I explain to my children that I'm a hateful homophobe insecure in my own sexuality?" but I don't want to get into a political lecture here. I may have to explain that to the children. God forbid.

103 to go: The Dodgers are Torture Porn

By Governor X

After a terrible road trip, the Dodgers returned home to get well against the worst team in baseball, the Colorado Rockies. Of course, by "get well" I mean "hit rock bottom".

With the pitching staff finally looking like they know what they're doing, the bats went to sleep and the Dodgers lost two of three. Brad Penny managed to not give up five runs Tuesday night, but because of the offense, he still couldn't win his first game in a month. In a Wednesday afternoon game that five people saw, a perfectly good outing by Clayton "We Card" Kershaw was wasted as the team could muster only one run.

Cubs are next and Rod Blagojevich never put his broom away after that debacle in Chicago last week. Good news for LA though: they have to get better and the Cubs have to get worse. Sorry Cubs Nation, but no team is going to ride Ryan Prom Night Dempster Baby to a World Series title.

Highlights from the series with Colorado:

Monday: Dodgers win and Jeff Kent cuts up the nerf football those "damn kids" keep throwing on his lawn.

Tuesday: Matt Kemp picks a fight with Yorvit Torrealba and ends up making him do wrong things.

Wednesday: The game starts at noon, sparing employed Dodger fans the pain of watching another loss to the hapless Rockies.


By Rich Funk

Bankart Repair:
  • reattachment of the capsule and glenoid labrum to the glenoid lip;
  • subscapularis is carefully divided to expose the capsule, and is reapproximated without any overlap or shortening;
Caspsular transection:
  • external rotation of the humerus affords better capsular exposure and relaxes the nerve
  • insert a blunt retractor inferiorly to protect the axillary nerve, insert two single pronged skin hooks to elevate the capsule superiorly and place it under tension
  • vertically transect the capsule at a point midway between the lesser trochanter and the edge of the glenoid
  • carry this vertical capsular incision superiorly into the rotator interval, which converts the capsular incision into a T (since the rotator interval lies in a horizontal direction)
  • at the end of the case, the superior and inferior capsular capsular flaps are closed (and shortened) inorder to shift the inferior capsule in a superior direction
  • the vertical portion of the incision is closed anatomically (so that there will be no loss of external rotation)
Sound like something you could do yourself? Really? That's great news! That means you're qualified to be Mark Prior's doctor!
Jun 2 The Associated Press reports San Diego Padres SP Mark Prior (shoulder) will undergo shoulder surgery and miss the rest of the season. He will have surgery to repair the anterior capsule.

106 to go: The Dodgers Make Me Emo

By Governor X

The Dodgers' trip to New York wasn't a fun one. Neither are their trips to the bathroom anymore. I won't say who, Scott Proctor, but someone keeps using other people's towels and now half the team is pissing razor blades. I have this from a reliable source.

I may have made that up. At least catching VD from Scott Proctor would explain their shitty play on the field. I certainly can't. Naturally, the old farts are blaming "the kids". The latest criticism came from Mark Sweeney. Yeah Mark, its clearly the kids' fault and not your veteran ass coming off the bench to hit 4 for 41. Asshole.

To rub salt in the wound, Saturday's game was called by Joe Fuck and Tim McCarver and Sunday's was ESPN's Joe Morgan special. Jon Miller, you do a good impersonation of Vin Scully, so you're OK by me. Get a fucking haircut though. You're like 80.

I can't even tell you what happened in the series. You know by now. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cut myself to Dashboard and comb my hair into my eyes.

Great Moments in Padre History

By Governor X

Since their inception in 1969, the San Diego Padres have been known for three things: Tony Gwynn, ugly uniforms, and disappointment. Since we believe knowledge is power, we here at Finley will bring you some of the highlights of the past 40 years of Padre baseball.

July 25, 1990 - Jack Murphy Stadium, San Diego, CA - Roseanne Barr "Sings" the National Anthem

For reasons known only to them, the Padres invited comedienne Roseanne Barr to sing the national anthem before a Padre game. The team's ownership was in flux at the time, so maybe an intern suggested it as a joke and no one bothered to stop it. The results were predictably disastrous. Roseanne, a woman with a speaking voice that could break glass, screeched her way through the national anthem and then promptly spit and grabbed her crotch offending the half empty stadium and later, thanks to the magic of television, millions across the nation. Hear it here in all its glory. Truly a GREAT MOMENT IN PADRE HISTORY!