Greg Maddux Gets Pissed Off, Pisses On Teammates

By Rich Funk

Try #3 from Greg Maddux to get his 350th win were foiled by the Phillies last night. My advice for Maddux? Slip on that old Braves uniform underneath your Padres uni and see if it helps.

Of course, we wouldn't still be waiting for #350 if Trevor "Awful" Hoffman hadn't blown the same last time out by giving up a home run to *snicker* a Molina!

The Giants Are Awful Part 3 OR Bochy To Zito: "Fuck Off"

By Rich Funk

Tired of having to spend an extra 6 hours after each Barry Zito home start cleaning up dried vomit from the stands, the cleaning crew at SBC/Pac Bell/AT&T Park in San Francisco finally got their wish: Barry Zito is headed to the bullpen.
"I'm certainly not happy with it, by any means," Zito said. "But this is the bed that I've made. I have to lay in it for the time being and I have to overcome. I trust management and I trust what their decisions are."
Now that's all well and good for the press, but to find out what Zito really thinks, we have to run that quote through the SFWH Official Athlete Translator. Here's what it came up with:
"I'd rather stay out of the bullpen because ladies won't sleep with relievers but I'm not really too mad at it because I sleep on a pile of cash bigger than your house."
This seems like good news for Giants fans, but bad news for the rest of us who really wanted to see Zito lose 20 games this year. But as I predicted before the season, Barry Zito has kept his ERA higher than the price of gas here in California all season, and it looks to stay that way. And considering Zito's ERA is 7.53, if gas ever gets that high, you won't read about it here because I'll be too poor to care about writing about the Giants.

Disgusted with his own pitching, Barry Zito tries to ram his fingers into his own brain through his nose.

137 to go: Arnie gets out the broom

By Governor X

Finally, I get to post my favorite picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't know why he's holding the broom here, but I really enjoy it. What happened in the series? Well, you already know they lost Nomar on Friday and two of the three went into extra innings. In the one game that didn't, they actually scored 10 runs in the 1st. If you thought that may be a sign the offense was coming to life, it wasn't. They went to sleep again today and only put up 3 runs. Oh well, it was enough to sweep.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

This Series: 1 for 8, 1 RBI (on a bases loaded walk)
Current BA: .159
Projected K Total: 169

Nomar on the DL again

By Governor X

Remember a couple days ago when I said Blake DeWitt wouldn't be gone long? Yeah...he's back. Nomar returned to the DL after injuring himself reaching for a ball Friday night leaving the Dodgers with no 3rd baseman on the roster. Russell Martin took off his catching gear and finished up the game at 3rd. As I write this, DeWitt already has 2 RBI in Saturday's game.

Can we just put Nomar on the MLB equivalent of IR and forget he exists? He'll just pull his vagina again when they reactivate him anyway.

The Great "Hella" Debate...

By ,

It's Friday, so allow me to write something that strays from baseball a bit (ok, it strays a lot...It's pretty much completely unrelated), but still related to the West Coast...And more specifically, California...

There are many rivalries when it comes to Northern California (aka "NorCal") versus Southern California (aka "SoCal") - Giants vs. Dodgers, A's vs. Angels, Lakers vs. Kings, Safeway vs. Vons, and putting "the" in front of your freeways vs. not saying "the" (it seems that people in Southern California refer to freeways as "the 405" or "the 15." In Northern California, we usually just say "85" or "680."). But one of the most heated debates is probably "hella" vs. not saying "hella."

Allow me to explain. "Hella" is a word that has many uses. For example, you can use it in place of "a lot of" - like "I have gotten hella speeding tickets this year" or "I have hella eyelashes." You can also use it in place of "very" - like "that's hella dumb" or "you're hella lame." It can also be used as to compliment a good looking lady or gentleman - "she's hella fine" or "that boy is hella cute." And I have also heard it used to refer to a long lapse in time - as in "I was gone for hella days." And the general consensus seems to be that "hella" was coined in Northern California and is used by "NorCal" folks.

Now, I grew up in the northern half of the state (specifically, the Bay Area), and I hella used hella in my youth. It was both exciting and convenient that one word could convey so many emotions.
But when I turned 18 and went off to college in Southern California (go Bruins!), I found that "hella" was not accepted by the "SoCal" folks. Whenever I uttered the word ("that midterm was hella hard!") I would be taunted with comments like "What's up with you NorCal people and hella?" or "Saying hella is "hella" dumb!" I didn't understand - how could one word bring so much anger to so many people? Although I was proud of my roots, it was difficult to endure the constant teasing. So I suppressed my urges to say "hella." I started saying things like "That midterm was really hard" and "I have a lot of eyelashes" (I have no idea why I used this example - my eyelashes have never come up in a conversation). I only muttered "hella" when I knew I was in the environment of NorCal residents. But even that was tricky, because sometimes, someone would tell you they're from San Francisco, when it turns out they were born in LA, and moved there when they were a teenager. So in reality, they, too, dislike "hella."

Anyway, even though I had stopped saying "hella," I still had many questions - Why do Southern Californians hate hella so much? Where do you draw the line in California where it is and isn't appropriate to say it? And what to the residents of Central California think about "hella?"

But things seemed to change in 2001 when No Doubt released the album "Rock Steady." The Anaheim-based rockers (or whatever you want to call them) had a song on the album called "Hella Good." Yes, a Southern California band was using the Northern California word. Ever since then, I have gotten a little less crap for using the word "hella." People don't roll their eyes at me as much for saying it. I even felt comfortable enough to utter it once in a San Diego bar - I believe I said "It's hella cold in here."

So has the great hella debate been laid to rest? Has Gwen Sefani bridged a gap that was once unbridgeable? Probably not - after all, she's told us many times she's "just a girl" - but at least it's a start...

140 to go featuring Timbaland

By Governor X

Jesus...Timbaland really is in everything now, even this crummy Dodgers recap. Take a break dude.

Its been an eventful four days since I last brought you the countdown. Not on the field of course. The Dodgers mustered an unimpressive 2-2 mark against the Reds and Diamondbacks this week. All the exciting news with the Dodgers was off the field (with the lone exception of Kent and Torre getting ejected last night):

Blake DeWitt down/Nomar up

God damn it. DeWitt was showing some signs of being a decent player and all Nomar shows is the shame of a man whose wife has bigger biceps than him. I think we may have seen the 3rd baseman of the future though since LaRoche is made of glass. DeWitt won't be gone long.

Dodger Stadium Renovations

The team announced a 4 year $500 million dollar renovation plan for Dodger Stadium. Basically it sounds like they're leaving the actual stadium itself intact, but building all the useless new ballpark shit for people with ADD on the perimeter. As a fan of utilitarian minimalist Soviet era architecture, I can't say I approve. These new ballparks have too much going on. When I go to the game, I go to watch the game. Its not a shopping trip and kids should be paying attention to baseball, not fucking around in a bounce house while AndrEw Jones strikes out again. To pay for the renovations, those seats in the Pavilion that used to cost $6 will be $125 starting next season and after all these upgrades, there will still be a line to use that disgusting trough in the men's room.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Last four games: 2 for 15, 4Ks
Current BA: .162
Projected K total: 184

Andruw Jones? More Like A-Choo Jones!

By Rich Funk

Andruw Jones seems to be having problems with his allergies. He implies just a bit that they may be the problem with the massive slump that he's in to start the season.

Apparently, Andruw Jones is allergic to the following things:
  • Breaking balls
  • Conditioning
  • Effort
  • Driving in runs
  • Vegetables
The advice that Andruw was given by fellow Finleyite E-Claire was "Get some Claritin and suck it up!" Apparently Jones was tipped off in the offseason that Claritin is one of the ingredients found in beer, ice cream and Krispy Kreme donuts.

Will The Big Hurt Hurt The A's?

By ,

I've been sitting here muttering to myself for about 10 minutes, so I've decided to put my thoughts on screen...Whatever.

So the A's are bringing back Frank Thomas. And call me crazy, but I don't know if it's a good idea...

When Thomas was with the A's in 2006, he turned out to be a real asset to the team. He batted .270 with 39 home runs and 114 RBIs, and he helped the A's reach the ALCS. And from what I can remember reading, he was pretty good in the clubhouse. But then again, how can you be cranky in a clubhouse with Nick Swisher?

Here's where my problem comes in with bringing Thomas back: If the A's are doing well, why mess with what you've got? The A's are off to a great start, especially considering the fact that this was supposed to be a "rebuilding year." They're 13-9, and as of right now (I'm writing this before today's game against the Twins), they're tied with the Angels for 1st place in the AL west. The A's have only hit 9 home runs this year as a team, but so far, they've managed to hit the ball well with runners in scoring position (at one point, they were batting over .300, but that could've changed over the last few games). And the pitching staff has been amazing - going into today's game, the team has a 3.24 ERA. And that's without having Harden and Duke in the rotation. And although there's no one in the A's lineup that makes pitchers shake in their boots, they're still managing to score runs. Bobby Crosby's batting average is around .300 for Pete's sake! And let's not forget Eric Chavez hasn't returned to the lineup yet - after recovering from his off-season surgeries, he could feel great and have a productive year (if the A's don't end up trading him).

Now, enter the Big Hurt. I understand that the A's could use some power at the plate - Cust isn't really getting it done, and I think Sweeney only has one home run. But Thomas hasn't really been getting it done in Toronto, either, this season - he was batting .167 with three homers (I've heard he's a slow starter, but still...). And although I have read that Thomas was pretty good in the A's clubhouse in 2006, he has been known to be a little - how can I say this - cranky. He threw a hissy fit when Toronto benched him, and I don't think I've heard him referred to as the "Big Skirt" for no reason. And there's a chance Thomas could be sharing at-bats with Sweeney and Cust. So how do we know he's not going to start whining in Oakland? Yes, Cust can play in the outfield, but does that mean Sweeney will be out of a job? He's currently batting over .300, which is bigger than .167 last time I checked (although Thomas may have had more plate appearances since Sweeney shares the DH role). And although the A's got Thomas for cheap, he doesn't really fit into the whole "rebuilding" project.

Bottom line: I don't know if this was a good idea. I'm guessing this happened because the A's think they might be able to compete this season, but if things are going well with your young guys, why mess with it? Look at the Diamondbacks: They're young, and they went deep into the playoffs last year, and they look dangerous again this year. And the A's may not be hitting home runs, but if they're scoring runs, isn't that what really counts in the end?

I guess I'll just have to trust Billy Beane.


By Rich Funk

We all know that Blown Saves happen, even to the best closers. Sometimes it's because of a few bad breaks and broken bat singles. Sometimes your team's closer just sucks. I'm here to try and tell the story behind the BS. Every time one of the teams SFWH covers blows a save, we'll be here to cover it with Total BS!

Victim: Trevor Hoffman, San Diego Padres
BS On The Year: 2

The Situation: Trying to close out Greg Maddux's 350th career win, Trevor Hoffman served up a game tying home run to Bengie "Don't Call Me Yadier" Molina.

BS Scale: Our first 5 out of 5. I know I've said this before, but if I were a Padre fan, I would be extremely concerned about Hoffman. Sometimes players can struggle out of the gate, and there's a slim chance Hoffman can put all of this behind him and finish the season strong. But it's almost a month through the season and Hoffman doesn't seem to inspire confidence in his team when he's trying to close out a game. When you're a one-pitch pitcher like Hoffman is, and that pitch doesn't seem to be working well...what else do you go with?

SFWH Official Groupie: Alyssa Milano

By Rich Funk

The real reason the Red Sox were cursed!

Steve Finley Was Here is a relatively new website (especially when compared to big brother Thunder Matt's Saloon who has a big birthday coming up later this week). Sure, there are a lot of disadvantages to being so new...we don't have a whole lot of regular readers yet, we can't drive after 10 at night or without another licensed driver in the front seat, and old people are always telling us to turn our music down (*cough*BrantBrown*cough*). But one of the advantages we have is that we can throw around the "official" label like it's going out of style. And so it's my pleasure to unveil the first "official" anything for SFWH: The Official Groupie - Alyssa Milano.

What gives the lovely Ms. Milano Official Groupie status? Well we pride ourselves on the (inconsistent) coverage of all things West Coast baseball, and if it's one thing Alyssa knows, it's West Coast baseball. Milano has had high profile relationships with both Barry Zito and Brad Penny.

Normally one would think that dating someone as good looking and successful as Milano would be a good thing, but it seems to be something of a curse. Remember how good Zito used to be? In his 3 years prior to dating Milano, he was a combined 54-25. In the 2+ seasons since they broke up? 27-17, which doesn't seem that bad, but look at where Zito is right now (0-4, 4.50 ERA). That's the curse working.

And what about Brad Penny? If you look at his career, he's really only had 1 "bad" year. In 2005, he went just 7-9 and only made 29 starts. Who was Penny dating during that 2005 season? You guessed it! And now that they've broken up? All Penny's done is go 35-15 since dropping Milano like third-period French class.

But you couldn't really call it a "curse" and only cite 2 examples, right? Trust me, there's more...

Milano also dated "Hot" Carl Pavano in 2003. I don't think any further explanation on the last few years of Pavano's career are necessary. The last person Milano was linked to was the one and only Tom Glavine. Since then, Glavine posted his highest season ERA since 1988 and is now on the disabled list for the first time in his career.

But this monster doesn't stop there. Milano has a long and storied history of ruining whoever's career comes into her romantic path. Take a look at the following list of guys who have been romantically linked to Milano and the year it took place. Sure, they may have all had varying degrees of success, but can you name where any of them are now?

1985-86: Kirk Cameron (Growing Pains...then what?)
1986-87: Jason London (Dazed and Confused and Jobless)
1987-90: Corey Haim (No explanation needed)
1990-93: Scott Wolf (Party of Five years of unknown work)
2002-03: Fred Durst (He wakes up every morning, and he's still Fred Durst)

So there you go...if you're an actor or a professional athlete, stay away from Alyssa Milano. She will ruin you. Rumor has it that she's had multiple on again/off again relationships with Mark Prior, Mark Mulder, Juan Gonzalez, and the entire 2007 Oakland A's team.

If only she would have had some kind of romantic involvement with one Steve Finley...then we could truly say that "Steve Finley Was There".

Meet The Athletics

By ,

Due to the frequently rotating roster of the Oakland Athletics, I have decided to compose a short bio of some of the players that may be unknown to the masses. You never know - you might read one of these bios and find a new favorite player...Or you might think to yourself "Wow - how can I get those 2 minutes of my life back?" Either way, today I'd like you to meet: Starting Pitcher Dana Eveland.

Before we meet Mr. Eveland, I would like to say that my other half confused Dana Eveland with Dallas Braden a few minutes ago. That's a perfect example as to why people need to be educated on the members of the potential AL West Champions (No, I haven't been drinking. I just live in hope).

Anyway, on to Dana Eveland. He was born October 29,1983 in Olympia, Washington. He grew up, did some stuff, then attended Hill College in Texas. According to Hill College's website, Dana was encouraged to "Be a Rebel!" but was also encouraged to follow the college's core values of Integrity, Educational Excellence, Student Success, Respect, Enthusiasm, and Collaboration. How can you be a rebel and follow the rules at the same time? I'm guessing Dana spent his time at Hill College as a very confused man.

In 2002, Eveland was drafted by the Brewers. He appeared in 36 games for the Brewers, and his ERA was a lot higher than current gas prices. After the 2006 season, he was sent to the Diamondbacks in the "blockbuster" Doug Davis trade. He appeared in 5 games for Arizona last year, and had an ERA of over 14. Wow...with an ERA like that, it's no wonder that the A's were so interested in him...

Anyway, after last season, Eveland was sent to Oakland in the Dan Haren trade. After a decent Spring training, he was named to the starting rotation. He currently has a 2-1 record with a 1.90 ERA. I'm getting kind of tired and I want to watch the rest of the Spurs-Suns game, so I'll wrap this up by giving the generic response of "If Eveland can continue to pitch like he has so far this season, he'll be a great asset to the A's pitching staff." Although he could definitely stand to walk fewer guys. But in my opinion, he's already more of an asset to the team than Rich Harden, because he's gone more than 2 games without hurting himself. And he follows in the footsteps of other lady-named athletes such as Tracy McGrady, Andrea Bargnani, Kelly Johnson, and fellow Bay Area athletes Dana Stubblefield and Stanford's Brook and Robin Lopez.

You go, girls!

144 to go: 3 games, 3 runs, 3 losses

By Governor X

Now Sonny Perdue has his broom out. This is getting ugly. The Dodgers went to Atlanta this weekend and were swept out of town.

Three runs in three games is pretty pathetic even by Dodgers' standards. The offense now seems to consist solely of Rafael Furcal and James Loney. The other 7 guys in the batting order are just filler. For his part, AndrEw Jones finally hit a home run, but added 5 strike outs to his total. The Dodgers now head to Cincinnati for more embarassment.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

This Weekend: 2 for 8, 2B, HR
Current BA: .169
Projected K Total: 189

148 to go: Jackie Robinson Day

By Governor X

Mark it Dude...the Dodgers don't lose on Jackie Robinson Day.

The Dodgers rebounded from the devastating blown save by Saito on Monday with an 11-2 drubbing of the Butt Pirates. Loney extended his hitting streak to 14 games and Charley Steiner needed a change of pants after Matt Kemp's mad dash for third on his 5th inning triple. I think he's still talking about it now. I haven't checked.

Yes, hearing the awkward on-air orgasm by Steiner after Kemp's triple means I was listening on the radio. Its an entirely different experience. Flag Hag Rick Monday doesn't really say much anymore. Steiner does all the talking and Rick only occasionally chimes in with an ad for AT&T wireless. We should really let him move on. Fans in other cities want to hear cell phone ads instead of the score for awhile.

The Hong Chih-Kuo/Esteban Loaiza shit has to stop. Pick one or the other. If Kuo can't give you at least 5 innings, he shouldn't be starting.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Last night: 2 for 3
Current BA: .149
Projected K Total: 162

*Note: Due to my own laziness, beginning with the next series, the Dodgers recap will follow each series rather than each game. Apologies to Seattle. Why? Just because it sucks there.

Rich Harden Needs To Grow Some...

By ,

Last week, I wrote a piece offering Travis Buck some advice that might help him bust out of his hitting slump. After I posted it, Buck hit over .400 in the Toronto series. I think he's only gotten like 2 hits since the Toronto series, but whatever...let's focus on the positive...

So now I've decided to offer my advice to Rich Harden. He's landed on the DL again, and this routine is really starting to get old. So after thinking long and hard* about what Mr. Harden can do to stay healthy on a regular basis, I have come up with a brilliant** suggestion:

Rich Harden, you need to grow some facial hair...

I know what you're thinking: "E-Claire, that suggestion is almost as ridiculous as your pastry-themed blog title!" But here's why it makes sense...

Let's take a look at some of Oakland's hairy pitchers...

Joe Blanton...

I can't remember him ever being on the DL, and he rocks facial hair....

Chad Gaudin...

Yes, he had offseason surgery, but he and his facial hair have recovered, and he's made a couple of starts. Were they great starts? No. But at least he's out there pitching, and as far as I know, he didn't leave either game with "stiffness," "soreness," "tightness," or any other mystery ailment.

Another A's pitcher with facial hair? Dan Haren...

Ok - so he was traded to the Diamondbacks, but last year, he and his facial hair had a great season...He started the All Star game for the AL, and was a Cy Young candidate for a good portion of the year! And he didn't get hurt!

Dana Eveland got the facial hair memo...He doesn't want to get hurt during his rookie season...

So there you go, Rich. If you want to bust out of your injury rut, try growing some facial hair. What do you have to lose?

* Actually, this idea was conceived during a commercial break while I was watching "Happy Gilmore." Somebody's closer!
** I am aware that this suggestion is not that brilliant.


By Rich Funk

We all know that Blown Saves happen, even to the best closers. Sometimes it's because of a few bad breaks and broken bat singles. Sometimes your team's closer just sucks. I'm here to try and tell the story behind the BS. Every time one of the teams SFWH covers blows a save, we'll be here to cover it with Total BS!

Victim: Takashi Saito, LA Dodgers
BS On The Year: 1

The Situation: Read all about it below. No reason to re-hash it and make the Gov even more suicidal.

BS Scale: 2 out of 5. Yeah, you want to win one like this against the Pirates, but Saito is money and he was bound to blow one some time. I'm not worried about him.

149 to go: I now have PTSD

By Governor X

It can't get much worse in Dodgertown. Saito blew a save. That just doesn't happen.

It looked like LA was finally going to win one. They took a 4-3 lead into the ninth where Saito is pretty close to automatic. Before I knew what happened, two guys got on and then Nate McLouth hit a three run bomb to RF. The look on Saito's face in that picture is shared by every Dodger fan watching the game.

Positives? Loney extended his hitting streak to 13 games and AndrEw Jones didn't strike out.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Last Night: 1 for 4, 3B
Current BA: .114
Projected K Total: 175

Free Tim Lincecum!

By Governor X

As I mentioned before, Tim Lincecum is too good to be on the San Francisco Giants. I don't want to like anyone on the Giants, but I can't help but like Lincecum. The 23 year old is currently in his 2nd year out of the University of Washington.

Lincecum made his MLB debut on May 6, 2007 after Russ Ortiz went down with an injury (big surprise there). A skinny son of a bitch, clocking in at 5'11" 170 lbs, he can easily hit 99 on the radar gun and has a delivery that reminds me of Orel Hershiser.

So how did the Giants trip over their dick into this kid? He doesn't fit the team profile: overrated and over the hill. I suspect their wine sipping GM Brian Sabean was asleep at the switch and some low level scout phoned in the draft pick behind his back. However they got him, he's there now and being held hostage by the worst team in the majors. If he remains, he'll inevitably end up like his teammate Matt Cain who went 7-16 last year with an ERA of only 3.65. Matt Cain is a stooge, so I hope he rots there. Tim Lincecum must be liberated though. Thus, the Free Tim Lincecum movement is officially formed. Check back for updates as the season progresses.

As of today, April 14, 2008, Tim Lincecum has been held prisoner by the San Francisco Giants for 344 days.

150 to go: Absolutely Pathetic

By Governor X

95 degrees and 1 run...sad. Greg Maddux completely shut LA down today in blistering heat at Dodger Stadium. The Dodger offense, or lack there of, wasted a brilliant performance by Chad Billingsley who struck out eight.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Today: 0 for 2, 2 Ks
Current BA: .100
Projected K Total: 189

151 to go: Flying Blind the Sequel

By Governor X

Crap, I miss another one and it was actually worth watching! The Dodgers laid a major beat down on the Padres 11-1. The Dodgers pounded out 13 hits and you'll be happy to know AndrEw Jones had none of them. Sorry everyone, except Seattle, I got nothin...

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Last Night: 0 for 3
Current BA: .105
Projected K Total: 177

152 to go: Flying Blind

By Governor X

OK, for the first time this year, I didn't see the Dodger game (thank you Eileen), so I'm flying blind with tonight's update. It was Penny vs Peavy, so I figured I wouldn't be missing much and I was right. From what I gather, Penny was a wreck giving up six singles in one inning and ultimately throwing 119 pitches. The Dodgers put up a noble effort against Hoffman in the ninth, but Jeff "Get Off My Lawn" Kent struck out with the bases loaded.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Tonight: 0 for 4
Current BA: .114
Projected K Total: 178
Pissed off fans: 56,000 (AndrEw was booed off the field following his 3rd and 4th at bats)

Fat And Rats: The 2008 Angels Story

By Rich Funk

For a blog that prides itself on covering all the baseball here on the Left Coast, there really hasn't been much talk about the Angels. That's probably because the Angels are really quite blah. They don't have anything exciting about them. They don't have any giant super megastars, no young future Hall Of Famers. Heck, even their All-Star caliber players over the years (Vlad, Garret Anderson, Lackey) have been more of the "slow and steady" kind of superstars that you don't notice are really good until their career totals are there in front of you.

Aside from the fact that I live with an A's fan, I just can't get myself to really like any of the Angels players.

Chone Figgins? Learn to spell.

Howie Kendrick? How dare you take a foul ball away from Ben Affleck!

Jered Weaver? Punk.

Even their most interesting and exciting player (Torii Hunter), they had to bring in from another team.

So whenever I think of the Angels, all I'm going to think about is fat and rats. Remember in the offseason when they found a bunch of rat-related health code violations at Angels Stadium? Yeah, I'll never go there again. I don't care if Wrigley Field is falling least there aren't any vermin living there (now that Sosa's gone. ZING!).

And that brings us to the fat. Have you looked at Vlad Guerrero this year? Dude's looking more like Miguel Cabrera of 2007 then Miguel Cabrera of 2008 does.

Old skinny Vlad:

New Fat Vlad:

This guy has been carrying this Angles team for years with a GM who will never trade for any big bats to protect him. Before that, he spent his whole career in Montreal. If anyone deserves to just let himself go, it's Vladdy.

Rich Harden Is On The DL. Again.

By ,

That apron looks good on you, buddy...So if this whole "baseball career" thing doesn't work out, you could always find work as a busboy at the local TGI Friday's (I checked. They have them in Canada). And judging by the fact that you CAN'T FREAKIN' STAY HEALTHY, you should probably keep that apron in the front of your closet.

Rich Harden was placed on the 15-day DL with some kind of strain below his shoulder blade. This is the 6th time he's gone on the DL in 4 years. I don't know what to say anymore. Harden is dominant when he's healthy, but staying "healthy" seems to be a problem for him. He's scheduled to come off the DL in about a week, so I guess we'll see what happens.

However, there is a bright side to this: I won 10 bucks in the "When Will Rich Harden go on the DL?" pool. Some might think it's better to fill my head with positive thoughts for Rich - I think it's better to eat my lunch for free.

And Rich, if you do start working at Friday's, make sure you wear a stronger deodorant. The kitchen can get pretty hot, and judging from that pit stain, yours isn't working too well...

SFWH Card of the Week

By Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Each week I'll dive into my old card collection and pick out ones that I found humorous, memorable, absurd, and/or awesome. I'll then showcase these classics to you the readers.

Make: 1984 Fleer
Card: #460 Tom Underwood

Honestly, what more can be said?

153 to go: Janet Gets Out the Broom

By Governor X

Ugh...well that was an ugly series. Fortunately today's game was on while I was at work so I wasn't subject to the torment. Obi Wan Kuroda showed he was human allowing four runs and an imbalance in the force.

The Diamondbacks - who knew I may have been on to something when I picked them to go to the World Series? Well, Keith Olbermann did since he picked them too. Every time you look up there are a couple of these guys on base. Its maddening. Sweeps of the Dodgers and Rockies means they've won six in a row.

The Dodgers return home this weekend to face the Padres. Peavy and Penny again on Friday. God help us all.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Wednesday: 1 for 2, 1K
Current BA: .129
Projected K total: 180

154 to go: "The DBacks do not torture."

By Governor X

Yes they do!

These games in Arizona have been absolutely painful to watch. The Dodgers look like a AAA club out there. Granted, I picked the DBacks to win the division, but I didn't expect them to torture the Dodgers in the process. The Dodgers have always handled themselves well against Arizona. That wasn't the case Tuesday night with the 10-5 loss. On the plus side, Matt Kemp returned to the lineup and went 3 for 5.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Tuesday: 0 for 3, 1 K
Current BA: .105
Projected K total: 182


By Rich Funk

We all know that Blown Saves happen, even to the best closers. Sometimes it's because of a few bad breaks and broken bat singles. Sometimes your team's closer just sucks. I'm here to try and tell the story behind the BS. Every time one of the teams SFWH covers blows a save, we'll be here to cover it with Total BS!

Victims: Justin Speier, LA Angels and Brian Wilson, San Francisco Giants
BS On The Year: Speier - 1, Wilson - 1

The Situation: Both Speier and Wilson came in to close out their respective games with a 1 run lead. Wilson walked a hitter and gave up a few hits/sacrifices and left the game tied at 2. Speier got 2 quick outs, walked a batter and gave up a gopher ball to Travis Hafner.

BS Scale: The Wilson blown save is a 1 out of 5 just because no one expects anything out of the Giants this year. I'm giving the Speier blown save our first 5 out of 5 rating on the BS Scale. When you want to contend like the Angels plan to this season, you have to win games against other contending teams like Cleveland. When you have them down, you've gotta nail the door shut and Speier couldn't do that. With Francisco Rodriguez out, the Angels have to find someone that can close the door for them.

Travis Finally Got A Buckin' Hit! Two Buckin' Hits!

By ,


Great Moments In Finley History

By Rich Funk

"Steve Finley was here" is something that can be said in many a major league clubhouse. And when you've been around the majors in as many cities as Steve Finley has, you're going to do some incredible things along the way. In this continuing segment, we strive to bring you GREAT MOMENTS IN FINLEY HISTORY!

The year was 1991. Nirvana was on their way to becoming one of the most overrated bands of all time. There was crap going on in Iraq. Mike Tyson was being convicted of rape. Yet amid all of this conflict and strife, a young outfielder on the Houston Astros named Steve Finley was mostly happy. Sure, he was on his way to hitting .285 and swiping 34 bases, but not everything in Steve Finley's life was coming up roses.

Steve lived in an apartment just outside of downtown Houston at the time and had taken up a new hobby. Steve had started to collect rare World War II era German pornography. The only downside to this hobby was that such delicate materials were shipped in massive amounts of packing materials and styrofoam peanuts. This required Steve to make multiple trips to the dumpster behind his building, usually weak from spending so much time with that day's German pornography shipment.

On the way to said dumpster, Steve would have to face Brutus, his neighbor's pit bull. Much like the baseball groupies lined up outside the Astrodome, Brutus also wanted to get a mouthful of Steve Finley, but in a much different way.

Now Steve had tried every trick in the book to get past Brutus in the past and was running out of ideas. If he were to continue his exotic and dangerous German pornography addiction, Mr. Finley was going to have to take Brutus out permanently. And even though Steve was living in Texas and had played in Baltimore for 2 years, he still did not own a gun. What was a young up-and-coming outfielder to do?

Steve put on his thinking cap and came up with one of the greatest moments in his history without having to leave his own living room. With the smarts of someone at least twice his age, Steve picked up the phone book and looked up the phone number of the guy that owned the dog. This took at least 6-8 minutes, as the internet wasn't around yet in the form that it is today. With the speed of a mongoose, Steve dialed the number, called the dog's owner and asked that the dog please be kept inside the house in the afternoon and evenings. The owner agreed.

Steve went to his window and watched as the neighbor (some say his name was Buzanis, but no one knows for sure) put his dog inside. Steve and Brutus' eyes locked for an instant and Steve whispered "Et tu, Brute?" silently into the night. Steve went 4-4 that night with 2 steals and after the game, met 3 underage girls that shared his deep appreciation for the dark side of pre-war German porn.

It was a good day to be Steve, and one of the all time GREAT MOMENTS IN FINLEY HISTORY!

What The Buck?

By ,

So Travis Buck has yet to get a hit this season. And in 21 at-bats, he has struck out 9 times. His lone RBI came in Sunday's game against Cleveland, when he hit a sac fly to score Kurt Suzuki (the A's lost 2-1).

What's going on here? Buck hit .288 last year, which is a pretty decent average. He batted .275 in the Spring, and he's batting leadoff - which means the A's expect him to be able to get on base. So why can't he get a hit? According to Buck, he's having mechanical difficulties, and knows what he needs to do to fix the problem. But I, being the baseball expert that I am,* have decided to offer Mr. Buck a few suggestions on how he can get his first hit. Perhaps he should try one of the following:

1. Take a page from the Mark Grace handbook and cruise down to the college bars to look for a slumpbuster. For those of you who are too lazy to click on the link, that's when you get busy with a lady who's, shall we say, "athletically built."
2. Take pointers from your fellow Bay Area athletes - the Golden State Warriors. The team makes the most 3-pointers per game in the NBA, but they rank near the bottom when it comes to percentage of 3-pointers made. What does this mean? They huck up a lot of 3's and hope for the best! So Travis, perhaps if you just swing wildly at every pitch that comes your way, you'll increase your chances of getting a hit. You'll probably strike out a lot too, but that's fine. The Warriors are 15 games over .500!
3. Stop using so many hair products. The chemicals could be getting to your brain, which may be causing your problems at the plate.
4. Hit up KFC and In-N-Out and grow yourself a gut. Look at all the bigger guys who can hit home runs - Prince Fielder, David Ortiz, Miguel Cabrera (yeah - he's only got a couple of hits so far this season...But one of them is a home run!). Even Fat Albert hit .350 in the minors before a knee injury ended his career.**
5. Learn to hit the ball better.

So there you go, Travis. Hopefully, you'll get your first hit during the Toronto series...

* I am in no way a baseball expert - I just watch a lot of Sportscenter and Baseball Tonight. Travis Buck shouldn't listen to a word I say.
** As far as I know, Fat Albert did not play minor league baseball. He is a cartoon.


By Rich Funk

We all know that Blown Saves happen, even to the best closers. Sometimes it's because of a few bad breaks and broken bat singles. Sometimes your team's closer just sucks. I'm here to try and tell the story behind the BS. Every time one of the teams SFWH covers blows a save, we'll be here to cover it with Total BS!

Victim: Francisco Rodriguez, LA Angels
BS On The Year: 1

The Situation: LA's Joe Saunders pitched 8 superb innings and gave way to K-Rod, who promptly gave up the lead by going walk, double, double, walk to the 4 men he faced. The score was 2-1 Angels when he came in and 3-2 Indians by the time he left the mound.

BS Scale: 4 out of 5. Sure, the Angels came back to win this one, but K-Rod hurt himself. That is bad news for the Angels. Who else do you trust to close for you? Scot Shields? That dude can't even spell his first name right!

155 to go: A Dry Heat

By Governor X

The Dodgers traveled to Arizona for the first time this year and promptly fell behind. Esteban Loaiza, who finally shaved his neckbeard, spotted the DBacks four runs in the first. The Dodgers would close the gap to 4-3 before surrendering another five runs and never again coming close.

The roof at Chase Field was open, and when it is, the place turns into a launching pad. The Diamondbacks hit four homers and the Dodgers, who have no power whatsoever, hit one.

In the AndrEw Jones K's vs BA points watch, he struck out twice while going 0 for 4. He currently has a .115 batting average on the year while on pace for 185 K's.

1/26th Of The Season Report Card

By Rich Funk

As anyone that follows baseball knows, the first week means everything. The way teams perform in the first week of the season is absolutely 100% how you can expect them to perform the rest of the way. With that said, here's the 1/26th of the season SFWH awards. We call them the Finleys.

Best Batting Average: Howie Kendrick, Angels- Look out Ted Williams. Howie is going to blow by Mr. Popcicle and post the highest batting average of the modern era with a cool .444 average for the year. But don't let Mr. Williams off that easily. Teammate Chone Figgins (.407) and the Dodgers' Rafael Furcal (.435) will also be joining Howie in the .400 club. So Ted Williams is only known for 2 things: hitting .400 and being frozen. After this year, he won't be the only modern member of the .400 club and Walt Disney did the whole 'frozen' thing a lot better, so all Ted will be known for now is one of his lesser-known talents: merkin model.

Move Over, Maris: Mike Napoli, Angels - Mike Napoli will be your Home Run King in 2008. He's currently on pace to hit 64 home runs on the season. Teammate Torii Hunter is right behind him on pace for a 46 homer campaign. Napoli and Hunter are a catcher and outfielder, respectively. These positions are known to have some power. But what does it say when second baseman Mark Ellis, Jose Lopez and Jose Vidro are all on pace for 54 home runs each? Might they be dipping into the Brady Anderson Kool-Aid? I thought baseball was clean! That's what Mr. Selig told me! Loud noises!

Mr. Babyback Ribbies: Jose Lopez, Mariners - We may be looking at a season for the ages from Mr. Lopez in 2008. Jose is on pace for 189 RBI's on the season and there's no reason at all to believe he won't keep up the pace he's set in the last 7 days. Going along with a .318 batting average, 54 home runs and 27 steals, we can pretty much name Jose Lopez the MVP of the 2008 season and possibly the greatest player of all time.

Other Projections You Can Set In Stone:

  • Jake Peavy is on pace to win 23 games...against the Dodgers. The other 23 wins will come against the Astros, giving Peavy an incredible record of 46-0 with an ERA of 0.56 and 278 strikeouts in 370 innings pitched.
  • Francisco Rodriguez will nail down 69 saves this year without giving up a single run.
  • Despite having a .176 batting average, Jeff Kent will still hit 27 home runs.
  • The batting averages of Oakland's Jeff Fiorentino (1.000) and Ryan Sweeney (.455) will not factor into the batting title race, as neither of them will get enough at-bats to qualify.
SFWH teams will finish with the following records. Take it to Vegas:

Angels: 93-69
Athletics: 69-93
Mariners: 54-108
Dodgers: 108-54
Padres: 93-69
Giants: 27-135

Come to think of it, that Giants record may actually have a chance at coming true.


By Rich Funk

We all know that Blown Saves happen, even to the best closers. Sometimes it's because of a few bad breaks and broken bat singles. Sometimes your team's closer just sucks. I'm here to try and tell the story behind the BS. Every time one of the teams SFWH covers blows a save, we'll be here to cover it with Total BS!

Victim: Mike Lowe, Seattle Mariners
BS On The Year: 1

The Situation: No one cares enough about Seattle to go into any detail. The Mariners were winning. This d-bag came in and gave up too many runs. Ass.

BS Scale: 2 out of 5. True, Seattle is trying to 'compete' this year, and everyone thinks it's cute and all, but they're going nowhere. Next year when Erik Bedard sucks/leaves and Felix blows out his elbow, no one will care.

156 to go: Hoffman is toast

By Governor X

It looks like the long career of Trevor Hoffman may be coming to a close. He has looked pretty bad so far in 2008 losing today to the Dodgers 3-2.

The Dodgers were their typical frustrating selves today passing up multiple opportunities to put runs on the board. Hu, playing for Kent, drove in what proved to be the game winning run.

157 to go: Time to Drink

By Governor X

Penny vs Peavy...just kill me now.

Penny can't beat the Padres and Peavy is the best pitcher in baseball. Today he 2-hit the Dodgers. I watched Penny give up 4 in the first, accepted the fact that they would lose and moved on with my life.

I don't get the Fox Saturday Baseball thing. If they're just going to show a local game, whats the point? I'd rather watch the Dodgers on KCAL or Prime Ticket so I can listen to Vin Scully. No, I get to hear Matt Vasgersian and Eric Karros. Bleh...

158 to go: Kuroda is good

By Governor X

A Friday night at Pooper Scooper Park usually means heavy drinking for Dodger fans, but tonight we unveiled our new secret weapon: Hiroki Kuroda. Kuroda went seven, allowing one run on three hits. Per Vin Scully, 16 of the batters he faced saw first pitch strikes. Eventually, the Padres just started flailing wildly.

For eight innings tonight, the Dodgers offense was shit putting up only one unearned run against the latest Cy Scrub, Justin Germano. I don't think Germano threw anything above 80 mph in the strike zone all night. I'm not exaggerating either. When he threw his mighty 83 mph fastball, it was near the batter's head. Fortunately the Dodgers got to face Joe Thatcher and Glendon Rusch in the top of the seventh. Thatcher promptly walked the bases loaded and Russell Martin finally got his first hit of the season to drive in two. Four more runs would follow for LA and they win the series opener 7-1.

Tomorrow afternoon: Penny at Peavy...fuck.

SFWH Card of the Week

By Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Each week I'll dive into my old card collection and pick out ones that I found humorous, memorable, absurd, and/or awesome. I'll then showcase these classics to you the readers.

Make: 1992 Upper Deck
Card: #666 Satan Bob Ojeda

Bob appears to be slightly disturbed as Tommy recalls, in detail, his latest trip to the brothel.

159 to go: The Stinging Rain of Defeat

By Governor X

Dodger Stadium covered in a depressing. Unfortunately, what happened when the tarp was off was even more depressing. In spite of the Giants making every effort to lose the game, the Dodgers blew it and suffered their first loss of the year Wednesday night 2-1.

First, because of the rain, both Bochy and Torre scrapped their starting pitchers and went with scrubs in anticipation of a 5 inning ballgame. Later, when it looked like the rain had passed, they both came in, only to suffer a rain delay an inning later. That'll teach you to overthink these things.

The Giants' Tim Lincecum is good. In fact, he's too good for that sorry ass franchise. I will soon be spearheading the "Free Tim Lincecum" movement. He deserves to play for a less reprehensible team. In his relief work (sneaky move by Bochy to use his starter in relief, thereby nulifying his crappy bullpen), he shut the Dodgers down, which wasn't hard when guys like Russell Martin stare at a fastball over the plate with a 3-2 count, the bases loaded, and two outs. Three games and no hits so far for Russell. Time to step it up you filthy Newfie.

News and Notes:

- So happy with last night's loss, the team ensured there would be many more to come by calling up the worst Dodger ever, Chan Ho Park. You may remember Park from such highlights as giving up #71 & #72 to Bonds and allowing Fernando Tatis to hit two grand slams in one inning.

- Larry Bowa was suspended by Major League Asshole Bob Watson for 3 games because of Tuesday's tirade and wasn't happy:

"I'm really frustrated with Bob Watson," said Bowa. "He's got an agenda against me for some reason going back to when I started managing and coaching and I have no idea why. He's going to get me any way he can get me."

"Guys have admitted taking steroids and they're still playing and I get ejected and get three games? Something's not right."

Give 'em hell Larry.

Meet The Athletics

By ,

Due to the frequently rotating roster of the Oakland Athletics, I have decided to compose a short bio of some of the players that may be unknown to the masses. You never know - you might read one of these bios and find a new favorite player...Or you might think to yourself "Wow - how can I get those 2 minutes of my life back?" Either way, today I'd like you to meet: Infielder Donnie Murphy...

Donald Rex Murphy was born in 1983 in Lakewood, CA, and shares a birthday with my mother (hi mom!). He attended Orange Coast CC, and was drafted by the Royals in 2002. In his 6 seasons in the minors, he batted .282 with 42 home runs. And in the 39 games he played with Kansas City over 2 seasons, he was only batting about .170. However, this could be due to the fact that he was upset over being on the Royals. After all, it was noted he didn't smile very much while in Kansas City. Mr. Murphy was traded to Oakland in 2006. Last year, he was batting .326 with Triple-A Sacramento before being called up. He played 42 games with Oakland, batting a stellar .220. However, in his 118 at-bats, he hit 6 home runs. Over the course of a whole season, that would amount to about 30 - which isn't bad.
With Marco Scutaro being traded in the offseason, it looks like Murphy will be used in that utility/sub role for now. He batted .308 in Spring Training this year, which is promising - considering he could become the starting second baseman if/when Mark Ellis is traded. I guess we'll just have to wait and see - since he didn't play much last year. Other than that, I don't have much more to say about Donnie Murphy...So I'll end with a shot of his ass...


By Rich Funk

We all know that Blown Saves happen, even to the best closers. Sometimes it's because of a few bad breaks and broken bat singles. Sometimes your team's closer just sucks. I'm here to try and tell the story behind the BS. Every time one of the teams SFWH covers blows a save, we'll be here to cover it with Total BS!

Victim: Trevor Hoffman, San Diego Padres
BS On The Year: 1

The Situation: Hoffman came in to pitch the 9th inning for the Padres, leading the Astros 6-5. After getting 2 quick outs, Hoffman walked Jose Cruz Jr. (remember him?), gave up singles to Michael Bourne and Hunter Pence, and served up a gopher ball to Lance Berkman. By the time the damage was done, Hoffman had turned a 6-5 lead into a 9-6 deficit.

BS Scale: This one gets a solid 3 out of 5. Sure, the 'Stros are a decent offensive club, and Berkman is a stud, but when you're the greatest closer of all time (by the numbers), you've gotta shut the door in games like this. See that big red "BS!" on Hoffman's picture? You could change it to "DONE!" and I think it would still ring true. Hoffman struggled at the end of last season, and it looks like those struggles have continued. Last night the Astros were teeing off on both his fastball and his changeup. And if you're Trevor Hoffman, you don't really have much else other than that. I would be worried if I were a San Diego fan.

160 to go: Mt. Bowa Erupts

By Governor X

How many times have you seen the third base coach get tossed? It only took two games for Larry Bowa to lose it. God I love this guy. The argument went precisely like this:

Ump: Get back in the coaching box.

Bowa: No. Go fuck yourself.

Larry gets tossed and completely loses it, going so crazy he needs to be restrained by Joe Torre. On his way to the locker room, he knocks over a cooler, which gets a round of applause from Andruw Jones. Bowa promises to be as entertaining as Milton Bradley.

The game...the Dodgers looked terrible. Fortunately they were playing the Bad News Bears. Lowe was his usual half-assed self letting runner after runner reach base, but the Giants couldn't knock anyone in. Their first run of the season came on a bases-loaded walk by Joe Beimel. Their lead evaporated almost immediately thanks in large part to the double steal the Dodgers pulled off in the next inning. In the bottom of the ninth, the Delwyn Young hit a grounder to Ray Durham who threw to the wrong base allowing Furcal to score the go-ahead run. I almost feel sorry for Giants fans right now...


By Rich Funk

We all know that Blown Saves happen, even to the best closers. Sometimes it's because of a few bad breaks and broken bat singles. Sometimes your team's closer just sucks. I'm here to try and tell the story behind the BS. Every time one of the teams SFWH covers blows a save, we'll be here to cover it with Total BS!

Victim: JJ Putz, Seattle Mariners
BS On The Year: 1

The Situation: In the top of the 9th inning, Seattle's All-Star closer JJ Putz comes in and gives up a single to Ian Kinsler. After striking out Michael Young, Josh Hamilton pounded Putz's pitch (alliteration, brah!) into the right field seats.

BS Scale: I'm giving this blown save a 2 out of 5. Sure, Texas has a pretty good lineup, but if you're Seattle and in a "win now" mentality for the season when you aren't even the most talented team in your division, you can't afford to lose inter-division games, especially to the Rangers. I expect Putz to get back on track in his next outing. He did have 2 strikeouts, which is promising.