Albert Pujols: Defiler Of Virgins, Destroyer Of Worlds

By Rich Funk

"Things can't get much worse for the Padres, can they?"

Surely the above sentence has been uttered in the greater San Diego area countless times over the last 2 months. Going from potential playoff contenders to potential 100 game losers will do that for a team.

"Things can't get much worse for the Padres, can they?"

Most people hear that as a question. Albert Pujols heard it and took it as a personal challenge.

Busy in the visitor's clubhouse before the game torturing midgets and eating babies whole, Pujols reflected on the numerous sissy fights he'd had earlier in the season with Astros pitcher Brandon Backe and catcher J.R. Towles (Wanna get high?"). Sure, doing a lot of yelling and taking someone's legs out from under them at home plate was fun and all, but both players were still around and well to help the Astros climb back into contention in the NL Central. "No," Albert thought to himself, showering in the blood of 75 virgins, "If I'm gonna keep us in this race, I need to take out the competition. Permanently."

"Things can't get much worse for the Padres, can they?"

With Jake Peavy already injured and Trevor Hoffman suffering from JoeBorowski-itis, Pujols set his sights on the starting pitcher for San Diego that evening: Chris Young. With the uncanny skill of a Hall Of Famer and the cold calculation of a serial rapist, Pujols slammed a pitch right back into Young's face, breaking his nose and knocking him out of the game.

"Things can't get much worse for the Padres, can they?"

Standing on first, Pujols had such a rush from the bloodletting that he decided he wasn't done. A few batters later, Pujols was breaking for home plate. Poor Josh Bard, catcher for the Padres, never knew what was coming. Pujols coldly slammed his foot into Bard's ankle on a slide, spraining it and knocking Bard out of the game as well.

On his way back to the dugout, Pujols surveyed the chaos and destruction he had created, and simply stated, "I'm finished."