You Stay Classy, San Diego...

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Since I live in San Diego, I feel like I should write something about the Padres. However, I don't really have much to say about them - their best pitcher is on the DL, most of their every day players are unrecognizable, and as of right now, even the Giants have a better record than they do. So after much thought (a whole 5 minutes, which has to be some kind of record for me), I've decided, with the help of Daft Funk, to compare the members of the Padres to the cast of Anchorman - since it was set in San Diego. Because much like Danny Trejo - who played "bartender" - if you saw someone on the Padres walking down the street, you'd probably say "Hey, aren't you that guy?"...

Ron Burgundy - Greg Maddux. He's the "veteran" who's set in his ways and is trying to lead the rest of the team. He enjoys poetry, a nice glass of scotch, and peeing on rookies in the shower. And with 350 wins under his belt, he's kind of a big deal...

Brian Fantana - Brian Giles. He's very much into keeping his appearance up - he shaves his whole body and fake-tans every day. And Fantana also likes to keep his appearance up (remember his giant closet of cologne?). Also, it's rumored that Giles walks around naked in the clubhouse, so I bet he has a name for his penis. I hope he knows "The Octagon" has already been claimed by Fantana. Also, they have the first name. So they've got that going for them, which is nice (crap, I am cross-referencing other movies. I can't confuse myself like this).

Champ - Jake Peavy. Champ wore a cowboy hat, and Peavy recently sang at a Kenny Chesney concert. When in Rome...

Brick - Michael Barrett. "Hi, I'm Michael Barrett. Opposing teams seem to like me because I can't hit, can't catch anyone stealing, and punch my teammates." LOUD NOISES!

Veronica Corningstone - Adrian Gonzalez. Much like Veronica, Gonzalez is the wave of the future for the Padres. Sometimes it seems like he's the only competent one in a roomful of idiots. But rumor has it that he recently received a call from a Dr. Chim Richalds, who told him he has to quit baseball because he's knocked up.

Motorcycle guy who punts Baxter - Chris Young. Jack Black got knocked off his bike and was bleeding. Chris Young got knocked in the nose by a baseball and was bleeding. I think this connection is good enough...

Baxter - Trevor Hoffman. Someone needs to punt him off a bridge. At this point, his pitching is nothing of wonder. But if he pooped in the refrigerator and ate the whole wheel of cheese, now that would be different. I'm not even mad - that's amazing...

Ed Harken - Bud Black. Surrounded by idiocy, he just tries his best to keep things together.