Saturday Night Special: Kung Pao Baseball $4.99

By Governor X

As you know from Brant's breaking news below, the Dodgers and Padres played a two game series in Beijing, China over the weekend. Naturally, the Dodgers got beat by the fucking Padres, but its exhibition season so it doesn't sting quite as bad as during the year when these losses to the inferior team down the I-5 come back to haunt the boys in blue. Lucky for me, the Saturday game was on live at 10pm as I hid in the house burning TJ Simers columns for warmth as Southern California suffered from an unseasonable cold spell. Here are my observations for you, the reader (do we have any yet?):

The Chinese Police are Ubiquitous Assholes

By now you've probably heard about Chan Ho Park's run-in with Chinese police as he attempted to sign autographs for Korean fans. This was Park's own tank moment. Honestly, if it would keep him off the team this year, I would root for the tank. Aside from this unpleasantness, the Chinese police were crawling all over the stadium during the game. At one point, the camera zoomed in on one interrogating a fan who had inexplicably brought a mannequin head to the game. Sure, thats a little weird, but hardly worthy of police attention.

The Stands Were Full of White People
China has a population of something around 18 billion, but probably one third of the fans in the stands were white people. What are they doing there? Maybe they're teaching English. Unfortunately, those assignments don't pay very well. Also, China is a brutal fascist dictatorship (no, they aren't really communists anymore) - why would anyone want to live there for a year? Maybe they were tourists. Attending a baseball game in Beijing is the sports equivalent of going overseas and eating at McDonalds.

Tanyon Sturtze is on the Dodgers
Boo. Nothing further your honor...

Beer is $1.50 a Cup
OK, finally the Chinese get something right. Last year I paid $10 for a cup of Heineken at Dodgers Stadium. Thats highway fucking robbery. Frank McCourt needs a kick in the gnads for this one. Now that I think about it though, it was probably that awful Tsingtao swill. I don't tolerate beer that makes you thirsty. Its one of my guiding principles.

Apparently Kevin Kennedy Went to China Once
I can't listen too closely to Kevin Kennedy or I get mad. He brings us wisdom like "if the Dodgers can win two in a row, they have an excellent opportunity for a winning streak". Thanks. I couldn't have figured that out without a baseball expert telling me. Today, as I phased in and out, he was mostly talking about a trip to China he did once. I can't remember most of it. Its like hearing about your Great Aunt's trip to the Dead Sea. Who the fuck cares? The one bit I took away from it is that he was served a plate of deer tendons and was told it was a delicacy. I guess he did better than CNN's "medical expert"/insurance industry stooge Sanjay Gupta who went to China and was served a big plate of cocks.

Is Chin Lung Hu in Danger?
Chin Lung Hu, the Dodgers 75 pound Asian wunderkind is from the Renegade Province. Will Chinese officials try to detain him? I hope not. We need him at SS after we're finally rid of Furcal and his drinking habit.

Chinese Baseball has Cheerleaders