The Governor's State of the NL West Address

By Governor X

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you Lieutenant Governor Funk, Speaker E-Claire, Senate Leader Brown, Senator "Erin", Leader Wesley and my fellow servants of the people, ladies and gentlemen… I am honored to stand here once again.

I come before you this Independence Day weekend as the NL West has fallen on tough times. I wish I could tell you the state of the NL West was strong, but alas, I cannot. It is in grave danger my friends. We are staring down the barrel of another embarassing .500 division champion.

As I speak to you, the Arizona Diamondbacks, who I picked to go to the 2008 World Series in a past life, are sitting atop the division one game under five hundred. After an insanely good start where they appeared to be poised to run away with not only the division but the entire NL, they opted to take a dump on the lawn. The hitting has vanished and as a result they now stand only 1.5 games ahead of the hapless Dodgers.

Oh the Dodgers...What has become of this once proud franchise? $82.2 million currently sits on the DL, which is more than the other teams in the division spend on their entire roster. The culpret here is clear: Ned Colletti. This vile Giants double-agent has purposely run this team into the ground. No one could possibly be as bad at his job as this guy.

San Francisco. Predicted to lose 110 games, they are now the one team in the West exceeding expectations. Of course, expectations were so low, this isn't difficult. Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain are coming into their own and managing to cover for the rest of the team, which no one outside of the Giants' front office can name.

How's that Jesus thing working out for you Colorado? One year removed from the World Series and they're 17 games under five hundred. Rockies in 6!

Bringing up the rear, we have the San Diego Padres. I can't shed a tear for you bastards. Your gloating and boasting about a franchise that has generally been one of the laughing stalks of the NL throughout their existence has generated so much bad karma you deserve this. At least you have a nice ballpark.

Will it get better in the West? Sure. I'm not sure things have bottomed out yet though. By the All Star Break, we could have a 3 way tie of sub five hundred teams for first place. There is always next year...