By ,
The Mariners beat the Mets 5-2 last night. No, that's not a typo. The Mariners
did win a game...
And the offensive hero of the game was...Felix Hernandez?
Yes - King Felix hit a grand slam in the 2nd inning off Johan Santana. Apparently, the only player on the team who can hit the ball is a pitcher...Who hardly ever gets to hit because he plays in the American League. Awesome. And Mr. Santana, you'll be happy to know that King Felix figures this was his first home run since Little League. Good job, buddy.
It was the first grand slam by an American League pitcher in almost 40 years, and the first home run by a pitcher in Mariners history. So how did Felix celebrate this milestone? By spraining his ankle while covering home plate and leaving the game before he could get the win.
This is where I would usually make a Mariners joke, but there's no greater joke than the team they put on the field every day. Zing!
By Governor X
Once so boring, we didn't even bother to use the teams name in their label, the Mariners are suddenly interesting. Unlike most teams who suck and are content to do so for years or decades or even a century (*cough*Funk*cough*), the worst in the majors Mariners are cleaning house.
GM Bill Bavasi - Gone.
Underachieving Man Child Richie Sexson - Maybe gone.
and today, Manager John McLaren - Gone.
McLaren, who took over after Mike Hargrove quit for no particular reason in the middle of last year, was sacked before the team's road trip to Atlanta. Jim Riggleman, who has enough Frequent Failure Miles to travel around the world five times, will take over the team for the rest of the year. With the Giants disappointingly almost mediocre, my hopes for a 110 loss team must now be pinned on Seattle.
With the GM and Manager gone, the next move is the on-field fire sale.
We are now accepting bids for this lovely CF from Japan! Sure he's overpaid, but he sure puts asses in the seats. Lesbians need not bid.
Stay tuned to Marinerland as your team may pick up one of these sad sacks for pennies on the dollar.
By Rich Funk
Rumor out of Seattle today is that Richie Sexson is going to be released by the Mariners, possibly by the end of the week. This follows up the firing of Bill Bavasi just a few days ago as the M's try and donkey punch the weakest links out of their organization.
I think "Big Sexy" got kind of a bad rap in Seattle. While Sexson was in Milwaukee, the only thing he was good for was hitting homers and driving in RBIs. Batting average? I got your batting average
right here (Points to a piece of paper that says .246).
Sure, giving him $50 million over 4 years was kind of a stretch, but in his first 2 years in Seattle, Sexson averaged 38 homers and 114 RBIs. Seems like what you should expect from him, no?
Sadly, Sexson has forgotten how to hit the long ball this year. Combine that with the fact that Sexson never really knew how to hit the short ball either, and you've got a guy looking for a new job.
Richie, don't look to your bat at times like this. It has no answers for you.
By Rich Funk
Each week, we here at SFWH are going to single out one turd sandwich from here on the west coast and bestow upon them the honor of being the Steve Finley Was Here "Fail Of The Week"!
The Mariners had big plans for the 2008 season. After having a better than expected 2007 campaign, they decided to go for it this year by trading the future (Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman" Jones) for a bit of present-day action (Erik "Don't Call Me Pacman" Bedard). Seattle hoped to contend for a wide open AL West crown or at least have a shot at the Wild Card.
March 31
April 2
April 17
April 22
Those are all of the dates this season that the Mariners were able to go to bed with a record above .500. On all of those days, The M's were one game over.
The Mariners are now 24-45, 21 games under .500. What else did the Mariners expect? Did they really think they could win with a roster filled with the likes of Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre, Carlos Silva and Jarrod Washburn? Who the hell gave all these people money?
GM Bill Bavasi? You, sir, should be fired. Ooops wait, you were.
By Governor X
When a team is struggling, they'll try damn near anything to put asses in the seats. At 21-39, even Ichiro isn't bringing in the crowds to see the Mariners anymore so they had to do something radical:
"Hot Lesbian Action Night"
Our google hits just went up 15,000%. The M's hoped their attendance would increase too, but it wasn't to be. As the team struggled on the field, a lesbian couple got things going only to have an usher ask them to stop. Apparently a fan complained, using the old "how do I explain two women kissing to my children?" line.
Of course the real question that fan should be asking is "How do I explain to my children that I'm a hateful homophobe insecure in my own sexuality?" but I don't want to get into a political lecture here. I may have to explain that to the children. God forbid.
By Rich Funk
With a title like 'Lost', one may think that I'm only trying to drive traffic to our page by coming up in searches for a certain TV show about people stuck on an island. But that's not the case. Besides, I was never a fan of Gilligan or his crazy buddies.
What I mean is, I'm kind of out of my element. I spent the first 23 years of life living in the midwest, and moved across the country to California in 2006. Now I'm stuck in a state where the Cubs only visit twice a year and I don't know any of the teams that I'm surrounded by. Think of me as Will Smith and the West Coast baseball teams as his wealthy family in Bel-Air. It's just going to take some time for me to get to know them.
And because I can't resist, if the West Coast teams were cast members of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, here's who they would be:
Oakland A's: Carlton Banks - With the A's, and Carlton, it's all about the numbers. Trigonometry, OBP, walk rates, stock market figures, Moneyball...everything is broken down into numbers and dissected intelligently.
LA Angels: Hilary Banks - Will you just please leave already? Every time I see you, you just annoy me!
LA Dodgers: Geoffrey - Classy and dignified, with a lot of tradition. However, aside from stepping up from time to time, never really able to become a focal point instead of a supporting role.
San Diego Padres: Jazz - Laid back and always coming up with crazy ideas ("Let's build a stadium that has an old factory sticking into it!"). Much like the Padres, Jazz was inconsistent and wandered in and out of our memory without any real lasting impression.
SF Giants: Vivian Banks (The First One) - The Giants transition from 2007-2008 is much like the transition between Aunt Vivian's in the show. The old, aging way of the past wasn't working, so the media nuisance was sent packing and replaced with a younger, friendlier version.
Seattle Mariners: Any of Will's Family - Remember when Will's family or friends from Philly would just randomly show up for an episode or two, and you'd remember "Oh yeah, Will has family. I forgot about them." Those episodes were boring and sucked for the most part. That's how the Mariners are. Aside from when they make the news (Erik Bedard trade, overpaying Sexson and Beltre), you pretty much forget that they exist at all.
But I've decided to make the most of my situation. My top priority will always be the Cubs, but I'm going to eventually settle on a team out here in the West to have at least a passing interest in. This process will last for several weeks I imagine and will take all things into account, including coolness of stadium, fans, players, food served at games, etc. So keep checking back for that, and everything else that will be popping up on this site.
Now if you'll excuse me, Uncle Phil is out of town with Aunt Viv on a business trip and I'm going to let Bell Biv Devoe film a music video in the living room.
