Steve Finley Was Here

SFWH is going all "bleeps and bloops"

2008-08-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

Lets face it. Steve Finley Was Here's current format is played out. It served us well during the first six months, but we've come to a crossroads. We could continue to bring you the same kind-of up to date coverage of the Dodgers and A's that you expect or we could "go away and dream it all up again" as Bono once said.

SFWH is not going to turn into Springsteen on my watch dear ~~readers~~ reader. I will not sit idly by as we turn out the same posts for years eagerly awaiting praise from the critics. No, we're going to be taking some fucking chances. For example: Don't get the title of this post? Get used to it. We aren't spoon feeding you anymore.

So what will the new format be like? Who knows. We're just going to take it as it goes. Things may get a bit too "real" for some readers, while others appreciate us taking things up a notch. This is no longer a blog. This is a living breathing work of art. Art like a Jackson Pollock drip painting.

An Open Letter to the Diamondbacks

2008-08-27T10:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Diamondbacks,

Please go on a tear and win this shitty division already.

The Dodgers, for all intents and purposes, are dead, but you have thus far been unable to pull away and end our pathetic chances at a playoff berth. Every win here and there teases us with hope as we inch within a game or two of you for the division lead.

Deep down, I know better. This particular group of Dodgers players (I can't call them a "team") are not going anywhere, but when I look at the standings and see them a game or two back, my irrational fan side takes over and I have brief visions of Manny hitting homers for them in October.

This won't happen though. The Dodgers of 2008 are destined for mediocrity. If you don't shape up, we risk Colorado going on another winning streak and none of us want to see that again. We all remember how they embarassed the National League in the World Series last year.

So, I beg of you, just win 5 or 6 in a row and effectively put the Dodgers out of their misery. A sweep this weekend would be a good start.

Regards,
Governor Gray Davis

The 2008 Padres are Officially Losers

2008-08-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

Suffering their second sweep of the season to San Francisco (really?) on Sunday, the Padres locked down a losing record for the 25th time in team history. Its only fitting that the Giants helped secure this for them since the Friars have replaced the Giants as the laughing stalk of the NL. San Diego is currently on pace to lose 102 games. Well done.

My Favorite Olympic Moments

2008-08-25T04:30:00.000-07:00

I've enjoyed watching the Olympics for the past 2 weeks. It has distracted me from the craptastic second half the A's are having, and it has allowed me to watch something other than whatever programming the networks roll out during the summer to fill time before the new fall season starts...I was really starting to question my sanity the day I caught myself watching "America's Got Talent."

Anyway, I thought I'd recap a few of my favorite moments from Olympic competiton - in no particular order...

1. The U.S. men's gymnastics team wins the bronze medal. Some Olympic athletes are not satisfied with silver or bronze (case in point - that wrestler dude who threw a fit when he won the bronze medal). Now, don't get me wrong, I can understand why someone would be disappointed with a 2nd or 3rd place finish if they busted their ass for 4 years with the intention of winning gold, but it's nice to watch athletes when they're genuinely thrilled with winning a medal - no matter what color it is. The U.S. men's gymnastics team lost their 2 best team members to injury, and they didn't let that distract them. They came out like a bunch of rowdy frat guys - thumping their chests and shouting "Sup America?" into the camera- gave it their all, and came away with a bronze medal that not many thought they could win. And they were stoked. I was thoroughly entertained watching this team.

2. Shawn Johnson's balance beam gold. She won a boat load of silvers, and she was very gracious about it. And then she does a kick-ass routine on the beam and finally wins her gold medal. Also, a shout out to Nastia Liukin for her Olympic success - as well as her classiness when she had to settle for silver on the uneven bars because a possibly-underage Chinese gymnast won the gold in some confusing tiebreaker. Why can't they give 2 golds if gymnasts get the same score again?

3. Usain Bolt. Call him a show-boater all you want, this guy can run. And he's pretty fun to watch.

4. The Redeem Team Redeems Themselves. They ate it at the 2002 World Championship, won the bronze in Athens, lost to Greece in the semis of the 2006 World Championship, and then came back to win gold in Beijing. LaBronze, you now have La Gold...

5. The men's 4x100 relay (swimming). When are people going to learn?? Don't talk smack until it's over. Alain Bernard talked smack, and when all was said and done, Jason Lezak swam the relay leg to end all relay legs, and the U.S. won the gold - keeping Michael Phelps on track to break Spitz's record. And while we're on the subject of talking smack, what was up with that British runner taunting the other runners in the 4x400 relay trials? I'm pretty sure they ended up not getting a medal in that race. Again, don't get cocky until it's over.

6. The U.S. men's (indoor) volleyball team wins gold. Coach Hugh McCutcheon's father-in-law was murdered the day after the opening ceremony. His mother-in-law was critically injured. A few minutes after the team won, McCutcheon walked off the court for a minute or so - probably trying to gather his emotions. I'll be honest - when I saw that, I teared up. Coach, I am so sorry for your loss, but so happy you and your team won gold.

7. Dara Torres. She's 41 years old. She has some wacky training routine where people squish her muscles. She was one one-hundredths of a second away from winning gold in the 50m free. Dara, you're inspiring. You made me believe that I could win an Olympic medal when I'm 40, too. Of course, you've been swimming for decades, and the closest I've come to swimming is doggy-paddling in the pool down the street, but whatever...You're still inspiring.

8. Michael Phelps. Do I really need to say anything about this? Kid is amazing. However, I will say one thing - there were times when I really wished Phelps would pull up his swimming pants. He may have 8 gold medals, but I still don't want to see his ass crack.

"Dude, pull these up"

Jonathan Broxton as Closer FAIL

2008-08-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

Dr. Maddux needs to sit him down and teach him that a 99 mph fastball doesn't mean shit if you can't throw it for a strike...

Yawn...

2008-08-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

Last night's battle of the bottom of the AL West (wow...there had to be a better way for me to say that. Oh well.) had the A's eeking out a 2-0 victory over Seattle. It turned out to be quite the pitcher's duel - mostly because both offenses are about as stale as the month-old Cheerios in my kitchen cabinet. But seriously, I shouldn't hate. A win is a win.

And by the way, Seattle announcer - our reliever's name is JOEY Devine - not Andy Devine. Sheesh.

In other A's news, they put Duke and Sean Gallagher on the 15-day DL, which means the A's have now used the DL a record 23 times during the season. They used it 22 times last season.

Here's another fun fact: As of today, the A's appear to have the lowest team batting average in the league - the Nationals are ahead of them. And the Reds.

There are no words.

Oh wait - yes there are..."More alcohol, please..."

"Good job, Bobby! You've only been on the DL once this season!"

The Record No One Cared About

2008-08-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

Recognize the guy above?

You shouldn't. That's Bobby Thigpen, the current record holder for most saves in a season.

Francisco Rodriguez of the Anaheim Angels has 48 saves with 6 weeks to go. Not only will he most likely break Thigpen's record, he's on pace to completely shatter it.

So we ask the eternal question: If someone breaks the single-season saves record, but it happens in the toilet of Anaheim Stadium, does anyone care?

Jeff Kent is a Douchebag

2008-08-18T12:58:00.001-07:00

Old news right? What has he done this time? He insulted baseball legend Vin Scully.

Jeff has never exactly been a fan favorite. The cop stache, attacking younger better players at every turn, being a former Giant, and generally being an asshole has caused Dodger fans to tolerate him when he's playing well (which he hasn't in years) but never embrace him.

Attacking Vin Scully is akin to attacking puppies or moms. Its just not done in polite society.

Go...Dodgers?

2008-08-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

Being a Cubs fan, I haven't really ever had any interest in most teams here out west. But all of that has changed this season. Now that the Dodgers have clawed their way back into the NL West picture, I have to root for them.

Why the sudden change of heart? It's purely for selfish reasons.

If the Cubs win the NL Central, chances are that they'll have the best record in the NL. And since it looks like the Wild Card winner is also going to come out of the NL Central, the division winner will get to play either the East or West winner, whoever has the worst record.

So if everything goes according to plan, the Cubs will wind up playing the Dodgers in the NLCS. If that happens, for at least one game, the Cubs are coming to California, which gives me at least one more chance to see them.

So I'll root for the Dodgers to succeed, even though things between Manny and I aren't very good right now.

Does that also mean that I'll root for the Angels to make it to the World Series so the Cubs would have a chance to come back again if they were to make the Series as well? God no! A man has to have some kind of standards.

The Streak Is Over...

2008-08-14T17:15:00.000-07:00

Brad Ziegler's scoreless streak ended today at 39 innings when he gave up a run in the top of the 9th during today's game against the Tampa Bay Rays. His ERA now stands at .22...That's still pretty damn good if you ask me.

So Ziegler, congrats on your awesome, record-breaking scoreless streak. May you continue to kick ass out of the bullpen...

In other news, the A's have won 4 games since the ASB, and unless my math is wrong, they've scored 3 or fewer runs in 19 of their 25 games since the break.

What? I should have another beer? Ok...

Roundup...

2008-08-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

A lot of things have been going on lately, but as you can tell, no one has posted anything here. I can only assume my cohorts, like the rest of the world, are pretending to give a shit about women's 200 meter underwater archery in Beijing. Xiao Jan Tu got the silver? Boo!

I have no excuse other than laziness, so here is a comprehensive update from the world of Finley...

Nomar is back, AndrEw is gone

Nomar Garciaparra returned from the DL Tuesday night ending Angel Berroa's reign of terror, at least until this Saturday when he goes back on the DL after contracting foot and mouth disease. He went 0 for 3 last night.

To make room for Nomar, a flimsy excuse was created to send AndrEw Jones to the DL. Good riddance.

My soccer team is in shambles.

LA Galaxy coach Ruud Gullit quit and the team fired Alexi Lalas on Monday. Cobi Jones will coach the team for the rest of the year. What?

People expecting an MLS Cup this year seem to have forgotten just how bad they were last year. A healthy and old David Beckham alone was never going to put them over the top. This year under Gullit they were nothing if not exciting, scoring and allowing goals like there was no tomorrow.

Firing Lalas may be an odd move, but at least it shows ownership isn't willing to just sit on a bad team and rake in all that Beckham money.

The Spanish basketball team offends 1 billion Chinese people.

The People's Liberation Army is marching on Madrid as I type this.

Dodgers' Doctors Put Schmidt Down

2008-08-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers' medical staff has concluded that like Barbaro here, Jason Schmidt is beyond repair and its time to send him off to the glue factory. Remember Jason Schmidt? Think WAY back and you may recall one of his 83 mph fastballs getting hit out of Chavez Ravine.

Schmidt looks like he is officially done for the year, but honestly, did you really expect him to ever pitch for the Dodgers again? With a three year deal worth $47 million, Schmidt has made a total of 6 starts for LA, but hasn't seen a big league field in over a year. If you're curious, that works out to $7.83 million per start.

Predictions, Bitches!

2008-08-06T00:02:00.000-07:00

It's August, so time to make some crazy claims about the rest of the season out West. If I'm right about any of them, I'll rub it in everyone's faces. If I'm wrong, I can just delete the post. It's really win-win for me. And it's win-win for you, the reader because A) I'm awesome and B) you get to read the awesome stuff I'm writing. So if you and I are doing all this winning, who's losing? Why the Mariners, of course!

Prediction #1: Manny's Arrival Will Not Get The Dodgers Into The Playoffs

If you look at the Dodgers and Diamondbacks, they have basically the same team. Run differentials, home/road records, number of players that have dated Alyssa Milano...all pretty much the same. The D-Backs are looking for a spark from Max Scherzer coming back, while the Dodgers are hoping Brad Penny can make a return.

So you gotta look at the schedule. Starting Monday, August 11, the Dodgers have to host Philly (4 games), Milwaukee and Colorado, and then head up to Philly for 4 more against the Fightin's. I would not be surprised if the Dodgers went 4-11 over those 15 games. As soon as that's over, they get Arizona the next week. Seeing how the Diamondbacks are starting to hit at home again...watch out.

Besides, I'll take Harden and Webb over Lowe and Billingsley any day.

2. Texas will finish behind Oakland in the AL West.

Check out Texas' run differential. It's currently at -27, meaning that on the season, Texas has been outscored by their opponents by 27 runs. According to some math equation that I won't even pretend to understand, Texas should have a record of 54-59 right now, and the A's should be at 58-53. Throw int he fact that Oakland should play better now that the trade deadline is past, and Texas can expect to be in 3rd again this season.

3. The Padres Will Continue To Chase The Mariners For The Best Record In Baseball

Oh, by "best record", I really mean "worst record". It's opposite day. Wait...no it's not. Yes it is. Wait...

Peanut Butter Gio Time!!!!

2008-08-05T21:31:00.001-07:00

Gio Gonzalez - one of the pitchers the A's got in the Nick Swisher trade - has been called up, and will start tomorrow against the Blue Jays.

Gio is 8-7 with an ERA of 4.24 in AAA (not the American Automobile Association) this year. And although those numbers aren't too stellar, he seems to be improving - in his last start, Gio went 8 innings, giving up 2 hits and no runs with 9 K's. Legit!

I'm really excited. The A's are really struggling right now, and it'll be nice to see one of the young guys pitch. The A's say they're in "rebuilding" mode, so let's see what "the future" can do.

Just don't expect much of any run support, Gio. At this point, I think myself, my neighbor's Labrador, and the homeless guy that hangs out by the gas station down the street could score more runs in a game than the A's offense right now.

Stop It

2008-08-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

Knock it off right now. Seriously, just stop. You know who you are.

All those people in Orange County at their laptops and typewriters or whatever spewing forth this bile that K-Rod sould be the MVP? They can all die in a fire.

No.

No.

Stop it. Don't even think about it.

Seriously...stop it.

Looking On The Brightside...

2008-08-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

"Dude, why am I terrible?"

When Daft Funk came home from Thunderfist 2008, I was bombarded with tales of stolen motorcycles, Butch Walker, and losing one's eyebrows in Vietnam. But although I tried to listen, there was something else on my mind - the Oakland Athletics are playing some lousy baseball. They have won 2 games since the All-Star Break. They have scored 2 runs or fewer in over half of their games since the break. Chavy is out for the season. And although our pitching has been alright (with the exception of a few bad outings...But you can't be perfect every time), you can't expect to win a ton of games if you can't score more than 2 runs. And what's going on with Huston Street? Argh...Why don't they just change their name to the Oakland Awfuletics?

Anyway, after we were swept by the Red Sox over the weekend, I decided that I had 2 choices - I can either develop an ulcer, or I can start looking on the bright side. I don't have the money to pay for medical treatment, so I chose the latter. This was supposed to be a re-building year. We were supposed to finish in the basement of the AL West (although thanks to Seattle, that prediction probably won't come true). I think I just got my hopes up because the A's had a surprisingly good first half. But now I'm beginning to get a picture of what the A's were supposed to play like, and it ain't pretty. But there are bright spots to focus on...

1. The bullpen: Brad Ziegler has yet to give up a run since he made his debut in the majors - he's had a 0.00 ERA for over 30 innings. Jerry Blevins has an ERA of 1.23. Joey Devine is back. Santiago Casilla seems to be returning to form - he hasn't given up a run in his last 6 appearances. Huston Street is well...um...nevermind. Let's move on...

2. The young guys. Ryan Sweeney has an average that hovers around .300. Kurt Suzuki has been hitting the ball well. Carlos Gonzalez is looking good in center field. Watching those guys gives me hope that the A's will develop into a good, young team over the next couple of years. Which leads me to one more bright spot for the A's...

3. The farm system. Ours seems to contain quite a bit of talent. Trevor Cahill, Brett Anderson, Gio, Aaron Cunningham, Adrian Cardenas. I am excited to see what these guys can do. Or maybe Beane can flip some of the prospects he got in his various trades for a stud hitter. (although I think I'd be peeved if he traded away Cahill, Anderson, or Cunningham). Either way, I think the future is looking pretty bright.

So although the A's currently cause me to drain 6-packs of Schlitz (what? I'm broke), I will keep watching games and focus on the good. Besides, anything is better than watching ESPN give minute-by-minute Brett Favre updates. Ugh.

Manny!

2008-07-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers have never picked up the name on the block at the deadline before. Frankly, they've never even been in the mix. I have a boner right now. I don't even care if he sucks. We got him for two bits of garbage and Boston is picking up his salary.

*Note: See the Casey Blake post on Ned Colletti's outfielder hoarding. LA now has 5 outfielders. DFA Jones today please!

STP in Jack Murphy's backyard 7/27/08

2008-07-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's called Qualcomm now, but I refuse to buy into that corporate sponsor crap. And while we're on the subject, it was always Candlestick in the Bay Area, dammit.

Oh, and as for the "backyard" part, the concert wasn't actually "in" the stadium. The stage was set up on a giant lawn behind the stadium...With a majestic view of the trolley track and an IKEA. I know, I know. I couldn't think of a better concert setting, either. At one point during the evening, Daft mused whether or not Weiland was backstage saying "I can't believe I'm playing next to a fucking IKEA!" I, too, could picture Weiland refusing to share the stage with reasonably priced Swedish furniture.

Um...I guess I should mention the point of this post now...Daft Funk and I saw Stone Temple Pilots on Sunday, and we're posting our review of the show. Sorry, with the way the A's offense has been playing lately, I start drinking early on game days.

Anyway, onto the review...Daft and I got there kind of early, and were able to get a pretty good spot on the grass (it was general admission). Here's a sign that I'm getting old: College E-Claire would've said "Let's push our way to the front so Weiland can spit in my eye!" Mid-twenties E-Claire with a bad knee said: "Let's hang back a little because I don't want any rowdy teenagers to smack into my bad knee." Oh, 20, where have you gone?

The first band to take the stage was Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. They came out wearing leather jackets and sunglasses, and looked like a group of guys I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley without my mace. They were very good, though. Here's a link to their myspace page if you're interested in checking them out...

Next up was Wolfmother. They kicked ass. Some of their songs have very Zeppelin-esque guitar riffs, and they made a lot more noise than you'd think 3 people could make. Seriously, my ears were ringing after their set. The lead singer also has crazy hair. I also enjoyed the fact that he told me we were witnessing "rock and roll history." Right on, guy...

After Wolfmother, it was time for STP. The lights went down, the crowd started roaring, and then STP came out and started the show with a rousing rendition of...Big Empty? Really? Look, I don't mind that song - and we had heard that they had started quite a few of their others shows with it- but it just doesn't seem like a good opening song that'll get the crowd pumped up. I understand you've gotta save the big stuff for later, but I might've opened with something a little more rockin' - like Wicked Garden or even Vaseline. Anyway, after I got over that puss opening song, the show was good. Weiland sounded good, didn't forget the words to any of the songs, and spared me losing my dinner by not taking his shirt off until near the end of the show. They basically played a greatest hits show - as was expected - with a few other songs thrown in. I think my favorites of the night were Vaseline (probably my favorite STP song), and Dead and Bloated, which they played as the first song in their encore. And no matter how many times I've heard it on the radio, I still enjoy Plush. One thing I didn't like: Towards the latter third of the show, the band went into this weird jam session, with Weiland mumbling the words to "Redemption Song." Although I love Bob, it really killed the mood. I was also baffled by some of the things Weiland said between songs (however, I might've been more baffled if his musings had actually made sense). I remember him telling us to stop watching reality television and get "fucking" involved. Don't judge me, Mr. Weiland. I do enjoy Rock of Love and Farmer Wants A Wife, but I am quite politically knowledgeable, thank you very much.

Overall, it was a very enjoyable show, and I'm glad I got to see STP. Here are a few other random notes:
- There was a guy there who looked just like Joe Maddon. He seemed like he was both drunk and high, and almost got into a fight with another seemingly drunk and high guy. However, between bands, he seemed to be wowing those around him with his story-telling. Perhaps he was asking if any of them could pitch left-handed out of the bullpen.
- There was another guy there that started out wearing a button-up shirt, but later took it off when it got hot. Holy crap, did he have the worst B.O. I've ever smelled. It was freaking awful. Daft and I actually had to move. My nose still hasn't recovered. They used deodorant in the 90's, you know...
- There was another guy there wearing an STP shirt, Converse, and flannel shirt tied around his waist. I hope he was being ironic...Wait, no I don't....

Daft Funk: Being a fan of all three bands playing, I was totally psyched for this show. Yes, I said 'psyched'. Welcome to the 1990's again.

It's cool to see a lot of things never go out of style at concerts, like the "shirtless, long-haired dude". Sure, he may smell sometimes, but it's not a rock show until this guy shows up. Plus, there's always a good chance that he'll be the one to crack a beer bottle over the head of the emo kids that get in his way.

Black Rebel Motorcycle club came up first and were better than I expected. These dudes meant business, with sunglasses, biker jackets, black shirts, black pants and a surly "fuck off" kind of vibe. If Johnny Cash were alive and started a blues-rock band, it would be BRMC.

Wolfmother knocked my dick in the dirt so hard that it actually bounced back up onto my body. Seriously, I didn't think just 3 dudes could make that much sound. I know it's kind of sacrilege to say, but I think their triple play of Woman, Colossal and Joker And The Thief to end their set was better than any 3 consecutive songs that STP played. Not that STP didn't rock in their own right, but Wolfmother was just that good.

Yes, I was a bit worried that Scott Weiland would cancel the show considering they were playing directly behind an IKEA. But what I didn't take into account was that there was also a very lovely Lowes next to it. And there was a nearby IHOP. Pancakes, appliances and cheap furniture? That's right in Scottie's wheelhouse!

The venue definitely wasn't an arena-sized area, but you wouldn't have known it from the way STP performed. Besides a few pacing issues due to a strangely ordered setlist, the show was everything that I expected and more. If Weiland was stoned or messed up in any way, he hid it well enough for me. And I'm glad he shaved off all of his nasty greased-back hair. He looks much more human now.

The most underrated part of the show? I never realized how damn good Dan DeLeo is on the bass. He was an absolute monster and had fantastic stage presence (Could I sound any more gay? I think not...).

I'd be more than willing to see another show at Qualcomm becuase getting out of the venue after the show took all of 5 minutes. The amount of time it takes to leave a show is a huge factor for me. When we saw Def Leppard at Cricket Wireless Arena, it took about 2 hours to leave. Fuck that place. You're dead to me.

Dodgers Pick Up a 4th 3rd Baseman

2008-07-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

Dodgers' GM Ned Colletti suffers from the same pathology as those crazy cat ladies you read about, but in his case he hoards 3rd basemen and outfielders. While I was getting in touch with nature over the weekend, crazy cat hoarding Ned picked up Casey Blake from Cleveland. Clearly, the platoon of Nomar, Blake DeWitt, and Andy LaRoche can't get it done (honestly, they can't, but I doubt Casey Blake is the answer). LaRoche and DeWitt are back in the minors and Nomar was so upset over the news he may have injured himself again. More on that when the results of his MRI are made public.

Meanwhile, that NL West team that isn't poorly run, may be close to landing Mark Teixeira. If they pull that off, the rest of the division should just start scheduling those October tee times.

Someone On The A's Broke A Major League Record...

2008-07-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

And surprisingly, it wasn't for most strikeouts in a game, or fewest runs scored since the beginning of time...

Yesterday, Oakland reliever Brad Ziegler (I know what you're probably thinking..."Who?") passed the modern big league record for consecutive scoreless innings at the start of a career. He broke a record that was over 100 years old.

So nice job, Ziegler. Considering how craptastically the A's have been playing since the All-Star break, at least you've given fans something to celebrate...

Daft Funk's West Coast Musings

2008-07-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

After taking a few weeks off, I'm back with my patented West Coast Musings for all to enjoy. Let's see what's going on in your world, today.

Can someone please come in and save Greg Maddux from the Padres? The last time he won a game was on May 10th. That was win number 350 in his career. Since then? 5 losses and 9 no decisions. Between May 20th and June 20th, he had seven consecutive starts of giving up 2 runs or less. He won none of those games. This tells us 2 things: First, the Padres offense sucks cock. Second, I have no second point.
How the hell do the Angels have the best record in all of baseball? They're seriously doing it with smoke and mirrors, also known as HGH and The Clear. Is there any one team in baseball that would fall apart quicker than the Angels if any 2 or 3 of their guys got hurt?
At the time of this writing, the Giants are 43-58...and only 7 games out of first in the NL West. That's the third worst record IN ALL OF BASEBALL! You know what? I'm all for them making it to the playoffs. Yes we can! Yes we can!
The Gov continues his Dodgers "boycott" and the team continues to "roll". They're only 1 game out of first. Proving again how awful the NL West is? The fact that trading for Jack Wilson or Bobby Crosby might put the Dodgers over the top.

That's all I got. Go Giants!

Jeff Kent may be going to Tampa

2008-07-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

Jeff Kent is old, so it was inevitable that he would, at some point, join his brethren in the Sunshine State:

The Tampa Bay [Devil] Rays are looking at a possible trade for Dodgers 2B Jeff Kent, according to American League sources. The Dodgers have had scouts in Tampa the past few days checking out SS Ben Zobrist who is expendable for the Rays. Kent had 10 HR’s and 43 RBI’s for the Dodgers, entering play last night.
– Fox Sports Radio

I don't know who Ben Zobrist is. Wikipedia tells me this: Zobrist usually plays shortstop, and is noted for wearing old-fashioned stirrups. Well, if thats not reason enough to acquire him, I don't know what is... As a career .202 hitter, he'll fit right in with the Dodgers.

At least the weather is nice...

2008-07-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

Padre fans, baseball's own "glass is half-full" squad, are finally suffering from a case of reality. The awfulness of this year's team simply can't be swept under the rug anymore, as evidenced by this blurb in the San Diego Union-Tribune.

It is a lazy Sunday stroll through turd brown years gone by, as the writer tries to remember a Padre team this awful. Well, its not hard when you remove the rose colored glasses (purchased at San Diego's own Pacific Eyes and T's, naturally). It was only 1993 when the team last lost 100 games, something they have done five times in their history. Jim Riggleman managed that Padre team, and as fate would have it, he may manage another 100 loss team in Seattle this year.

The Padres' worst record ever of 110 losses in 1969 is within reach. They are currently on pace for 101 losses, but as the author points out, they are 6-23 in their last 29 and 14-32 on the road where more than half of their remaining games will be played.

Steve Finley Was Here Fail Of The Week

2008-07-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

This week's Fail Of The Week? Stephen "Don't call me J.D." Drew.

On Sunday against the Dodgers, Drew smoked one over Andruw Jones' head in center that was an easy triple. But Drew got greedy. he tried to stretch it into an inside-the-park home run, but was cut down at the plate by the combination of...Andruw Jones to Nomar Garciaparra?

What the hell?

If this was 1999 or 2000 and the relay from Jones to Garciaparra to home plate beat you, then you're safe. But it's 2008. These two guys

1. Suck
2. Have missed about 428 games combined this year
3. Really suck

That's like trying to defend 2 midgets on a fast break. True, there's 2 of them, but they're each 3 feet tall.

All Drew men are greedy bastards. Must be slow too.

See Ya, Joe...

2008-07-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

In their continuing effort to "build for the future," the A's traded Joe Blanton to the Phillies for 3 prospects.

The A's got second baseman Adrian Cardenas, pitcher Josh Outman (does anyone else picture a guy named Josh Outman hanging out with the dude in those Black Angus commercials while shaving with a knife and wrestling bears?), and outfielder Matt Spencer. Outman and Cardenas were 2 of Philly's top 5 prospects in the pre-season.

My first reaction to the trade was this: "How the hell did we get 3 prospects for Joe Blanton?"

I shouldn't hate on Joe. Although he was 5-12 with a 4.96 ERA (and he's gotten lit up a couple of times this year), a few of those losses were due to poor offensive outings by the A's. Philly has the offense to back him up, but he's going to need it in their hitter-friendly park.

But although the A's got an ok haul for Blanton, the real winners in this trade are the cheesesteak vendors outside Citizens Bank Park. Zing!

"Dammit! Utley said he'd buy me a cheesesteak if I gave up less than 4 runs..."

What I've been doing on my Dodgers vacation...

2008-07-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

As one of our handful of loyal readers, you will be aware that on June 30th of this year I announced a Dodgers Boycott because I could no longer stomach the sorry state of the team. Originally in protest of the return of Jason Repko, the boycott became a rather pleasant vacation from watching my beloved Dodgers flounder and sink like the Titanic. No more teachers, no more books, no more watching AndrEw Jones striking out five times in a game...its just been too sweet. The team resumes play tomorrow and I am extending my vacation. So what have I been doing without Dodger baseball?

Drinking

Through the last month, I have easily gotten shitty drunk as much as any time since my golden years in college in San Diego. I've noticed this: Beer knocks me out, but tequila keeps me going for hours. Getting drunk also keeps me from even checking the Dodgers score.

Books

I've been reading a lot of hardcore leftist material since the boycott began. I am currently on my third book decrying American imperialism. When I try to board a plane in a couple weeks, I fully expect to find myself on the no-fly list. Prior to that, I burned through the excellent How Soccer Explains the World. If the leftist politics don't get me on the DHS radar, my love of soccer surely will.

Movies

My movie intake has been decidedly light and honestly I can't remember much that I've seen. Not a good sign. One that did manage to stand out was Southland Tales, Richard Kelly's chaotic follow-up to Donnie Darko. I would certainly not go so far as to call it good, but I would say its worth watching. Remember that creepy old bitty from Poltergeist? She's in it. So is Rebekkah del Rio who you may remember from Mulholland Drive. Mandy Moore drops F-bombs in it and that tasty little sexpot Sarah Michelle Gellar plays a porn star.

Free Tim Lincecum Midseason Update

2008-07-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

We've finally arrived at the All Star Break, which even though its beyond the halfway point in the season, marks the halfway point in the season. Now is as good a time as any for a Free Tim Lincecum update.

The bad news? He's still rotting in SF.
The good news? He's probably the best pitcher in the NL right now.

Lincecum improved his record to 11-2 by shutting down the Cubs on Sunday and enters the break posting a 2.57 ERA and leading MLB in strike outs. Thanks in large part to him, the Giants are not the laughing stalk we all predicted. Additonally, he's getting some early Cy Young buzz.

If you have an hour or so to kill, you may want to read this excruciatingly detailed article on Lincecum's mechanics. At one point, I had planned to break it down for you, but laziness got the best of me.

Awesome!!!

2008-07-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

Sean Gallagher - the centerpiece of the trade that sent Rich Harden to the Cubs earlier this week - was fan-freakin'-tastic on the mound tonight...He pitched 7 innings, gave up 2 runs, and struck out 7 to get his first win in an A's uniform. And the Athletics decided to welcome him to the team by scoring 9 runs to back him up. Don't get used to that kind of run support, Mr. Gallagher.

Matt Murton also made an impact in tonight's game - hitting a 2-run single and making a couple of good defensive plays.

I'm really excited about our new guys, and I'm wondering if Beane has pulled off another great trade. I think Murton's bat could bring some offense to the team, and if Gallagher keeps pitching like he did tonight (against our division rival no less), he, Eveland, and Smith would make up the core of a good, young rotation. Throw our stud Duke in there, and it's even better. Joe Blanton? Well, we won't talk about him right now...

Things didn't go as well for Chad Gaudin in his debut for the Cubs. He gave up a home run to the first batter he faced as a Cub (he'll settle down, though. He's solid). And Rich Harden? He hasn't done shit for the Cubs!

What? He hasn't pitched yet? Whatever. I'm still really excited about tonight's win...

"Raise your hand if you're a badass..."

Superclasico Super Soccer Live Blog

2008-07-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

Are you stoked? You should be. The only thing the MLS has even remotely close to a legitimate rivalry is about to be rekindled. The LA Galaxy are ready to take on their hated cross-stadium interlopers Chivas USA. We're coming to you live from the SoCal Soccer Command Center basking in the glow of the newly hung Galaxy poster (seen here).

7:59 - The first margarita is made. GAME ON.

8:00 - The WNBA game is running long. Are you fucking kidding me? These "women" could at least miss shots quickly. There will be hell to pay if they don't cut away from this (hell to pay = yet another threatening letter sent to Stuart Scott).

8:03 - Christ...they are letting the WNBA game rap up. The crowd of fifty teenage girls too ghastly to get felt up at a high school make out party are chanting "Beat LA". Kill me now.

8:11 - The WNBA game is mercifully over. Suckramento over LA by 18 if you cared (you don't).

8:13 - Football is on (soccer will hereafter be referred to properly as "football"). Thankfully it hasn't started yet. No letter to Stuart Scott today - at least not about this. Beckham and Donovan are playing (praise jesus). They just told everyone the Galaxy are the highest scoring team in the MLS. Take notice you bastards. Beckham is talking...worst voice ever. Like Chris Martin with a couple corncobs up his ass.

8:18 - Kickoff. First place up for grabs!

8:19 - Our first phantom foul. Bullshit. Chivas' token Jewish player just fell down.

8:21 - Another Chivas player just fell down. Is this Italy? No foul this time though. No. 8 on the Galaxy...Vagenas. That sounds suspiciously like vagina.

8:24 - Yellow card on Vagina.

8:27 - Fuck. Another yellow card. This one on my boy Donovan. Man crush on Landon Donovan? You betcha.

8:33 - Goal Chivas. You sons of bitches. Kim Clijsters I think. Oh wait, she plays tennis. I have to admit it was a pretty goal though. No worries. LA will put a few up on these chingadas.

8:41 - Shut up about the New York Red Bulls already. No one wants to hear about these corporate sell outs. A name on your jersey? Sure. Changing the name of your team to suit your dirtbag corporate sponsor? I don't think so. Remember when they were the Metrostars? That guy who went on to be a place kicker for the Jets played for them. I forget his name.

8:43 - Tony Meola. Thats it. What a douchebag. He's probably drunk and face down in a Jersey pizzeria right now. Galaxy just missed a sweet goal.

8:49 - I need another drink. A great thing about football? No commercials. A bad thing about football? No commercials. When am I supposed to get loaded. I need a waitress.

8:50 - Galaxy injury. Some scrub. This is my chance to get another drink.

8:52 - No time to fix another margarita. Beer. Cerveza to be more specific. Carta Blanca. Its ok. Look for a TMS Beer Project on it. Wow. They're wheeling him off on a stretcher.

8:55 - That guy had back spasms. I've had them before. They suck, but they're hardly stretcher worthy. He gets a pink card for being a pussy.

8:59 - Apparently that Chivas goal was actually Ante Razov (communist). Why can't MLS announcers ever get it right? Basically every game I watch, they misassign a goal. It wasn't Kim Klijsters at all.

9:03 - Two narrow misses for LA. Drinking game: Every time LA narrowly misses a goal, chug your beer.

9:07 - Half time. 1-0 Chivas. Boo. Nice physical game though. Once it was clear Chivas was flopping, the refs quit calling fouls on LA. Thats what I like to see. For all the shit the MLS takes, you have to give it this: Its relatively flop-free. Not as good as the Mexican league in that regard, but its a damn sight better than one of those foppish countries like Spain or Italy.

9:19 - This Carta Blanca is awful. I'm going to make another margarita.

9:25 - Second half underway. Second margarita also underway. Yeah, its not much, but its Thursday.

9:35 - This margarita is much better. Second half? Not so much. LA has come out rather flat. I looked at the Herbalife website once before, but I don't remember what was there. I'm going back.

9:36 - Thats right. Pretentious herbal personal care products. They have a recipe for Chipotle Grilled Swordfish though. That sounds tasty. I'm hungry. I wish I hadn't eaten all of my Ritz crackers.

9:45 - Chivas' goalkeeper Brad Guzan may go to Astin Villa. Stay in the MLS you twat. We need to build American football up (I almost called it soccer). Besides, fuck Astin Villa.

9:50 - GALAXY GOAL!!!!!!!!! Edson Buddle! All tied up.

9:51 - Red card on Chivas' coach Preki! The meltdown is imminent. Yes, this guy uses one name. Cher? Madonna? Douche?

9:55 - Hah! A Chivas' goal is called back! It was Kim Klijsters this time. Yellow card on him for bitching about it.

9:59 - The Galaxy have a group of fans called the LA Riot Squad. Somewhere, Reginald Denny sheds a tear...

10:07 - Another fucking save for Guzan. You know what? Go to Astin Villa you miserable piece of shit...

10:08 - All of Beckham's crosses have been off tonight. Now is as good a time as any to admit this: I saw Bend it Like Beckham. Kira Knightley? Mmmmmm..... Yeah, I know she has no tits, but there's just something about her.

10:12 - And thats it. 1-1 draw. Both Chivas and the Galaxy remain in 1st place in the tight Western Conference.

Until next time then!

The Films of M. Night Shyamalan

2008-07-09T12:37:00.001-07:00

There is perhaps no filmmaker today that generates as much debate as M. Night Shyamalan. Scorsese? He could release an Andy Warhol style film of a nun pooping and it would get an Oscar nomination. Michael Bay? Even he thinks he sucks. Night (he told me I could call him Night) is another story though. Opinions on his films range from the casual movie goer's vapid "I liked the Sixth Sense!" to the die hard fans (me) who will swear on their mother's soul that The Village is a work of pure genius. With this year's release of The Happening, and the furor that has followed, its time to take a look at his body of work. For purposes of this post, we will ignore his first two films that 5 people saw and take his career from The Sixth Sense on. In this period, he has made four brilliant films and two of varying degrees of awfulness. We will start with the good:

The Sixth Sense (1999) - As you know, The Sixth Sense is the one that brought the Indian Hitchcock to the national stage. It also brought in sixth Oscar nominations. The young and irritatingly unstable Haley Joel Osment sees dead people and renowned Philadelphia psychologist Bruce Willis sees an opportunity to make up for a horrific mis diagnosis in his past. If you haven't seen it by now, you never will, so I'll go ahead and tell you it turns out Bruce Willis is dead. Knowing that going in allows you to see the huge plot holes. No one cares about that though. Its a nice creepy flick with a surprisingly emotionally powerful ending. Random casting note: The OC's Mischa Barton plays the puking girl in the tent.

Signs (2002) - Signs is my personal favorite Night film thanks in large part to my fear of aliens and appreciation of Mel Gibson's unique brand of insanity. Faithless former priest Mel finds crop circles in his suburban Philly farm and doesn't believe aliens are to blame until its too late. I'll grant you the aliens are much more terrifying before you see him clearly (the shadowy figure on top of the barn still sends a chill up my spine), but you still have to appreciate this well made alien invasion movie if you are a fan of this genre. Signs made an impression on critics as well. Roger Ebert said, "M. Night Shyamalan's Signs is the work of a born filmmaker, able to summon apprehension out of thin air. When it is over, we think not how little has been decided, but how much has been experienced." Random casting note: Little Miss Sunshine herself plays Mel's daughter.

The Village (2004) - The Village is where we first see Night backlash begin to develop. Many did not see the genius in the twist involving a group of settlers who have fled "the towns" in search of a crime free life. It fits perfectly and tells you a great deal about these character's tortured psyche, but I guess thats just a little too much to digest for the average American movie goer. Yes, I basically just insulted everyone who didn't like this one. No random casting note this time, but Adrien Brody's portrayal of a retarded guy is something to behold.

Lady in the Water (2006) - With the backlash generated by The Village still fresh in everyone's mind, Lady in the Water was more or less dismissed out of hand. I myself will confess to not liking it very much the first time I saw it. I saw it on an airplane in the middle of the night next to a group of unruly Portuguese toddlers though, so that could ruin anything. After deciding to do this retrospective, I gave it another shot. Its a pleasant little story well made and superbly acted. Paul Giamatti plays an apartment manager trying to solve the mystery of the disgusting slop that winds up in the pool filter every morning. What unfolds is a fun and ultimately satisfying yarn about the lady in the water, Story, and her attempt to return to her own world with the help of the strange residents of Giamatti's apartment building. Again, no odd casting note, but there is this interesting tidbit: Story makes prophecies and among those she makes involves a great leader emerging from the Midwest to usher in an era of hope and change. Hmmm, who could that be?

...now we move on to the not so good:

The Happening (2008) - I really wanted to like The Happening. TMS bartender Chaim Witz saw an early screening and panned it, and nothing would have pleased me more than to tell him he was wrong. Unfortunately I couldn't. Criticism seemed to focus on the fact the plants are attacking. I didn't understand why that was so absurd. You can only fuck with living organisms so long before they snap. Why are plants so different? The problem here isn't with the idea, its with the execution. Night tries to go for a campy 1950's feel to it, but misses badly. We're left with an hour and a half of bad jokes, Mark Wahlberg looking confused, and people running from wind. The one redeeming quality of The Happening are the deaths. The deaths here are imaginative and grizzly. Rent it at some point if only to see the guy lay down in front of a giant lawnmower...

Unbreakable (2000) - I can't make any excuses for Unbreakable. This is just a mess from beginning to end. Bruce Willis is the only survivor of a terrible train accident and that catches the eye of the oft-injured Samuel L. Jackson. Jackson, Mr. Glass, thinks he has found the yin to his yang, a man who can't be hurt. For the next hour or so, we see Bruce try to test this theory about as boringly as he could before a big show down that doesn't really live up to all the hype about him. Those who don't like Night often accuse him of trying to copy The Sixth Sense every time out. Unbreakable is the one time I will concede they are correct. This is clearly an attempt to capitalize on the success of the earlier film and doesn't add anything new to the world other than some comic book gobbledygook. The twist is forced and totally unbelievable (even in a movie about a man who can't be injured) and gets wrapped up thanks to fade-to-black post-scripts before you can even digest it.

"You didn't like The Village? Fuck you."

I Just Lost My Hard-On...

2008-07-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, Rich Harden is a Cub. And Chad Gaudin, too...

First, I'll give you my thoughts on the trade (because I know the first thing you thought when this trade happened was "Wow! I wonder what E-Claire is going to say about this one!"): I'll be honest...The first thing I thought when I found out Harden was going to be a Cub was "Son of a bitch. I just went out and got this delicious sandwich and now I can't eat it because I need to get more information on this trade." The second thing I thought (after reading the full details of the trade) was: "Um...This trade is kind of bullshit." Don't get me wrong, the players the Cubs are sending over are good (although I'm still not sold on Patterson), but I thought we could've gotten more for Harden - especially with a pitcher like Gaudin thrown in. Gaudin isn't exactly an "afterthought." He had a great first half as a starter last year, and although his second half wasn't so hot, it was later discovered he was pitching hurt. And in the few starts he made this year, he was solid. You can also use him in the bullpen. And I don't have to tell you that Harden kicks ass when he's healthy. So if you package these guys together, I guess I was just expecting more. Call me greedy, but Beane has been known to score quite the deal in these types of trades, and this just didn't seem like one of his blockbuster hauls.

However, after eating my sandwich and thinking about things, I began to realize that perhaps I should just be happy that we got a decent haul for our oft-injured Canadian starter. If Beane had decided to wait and trade Harden in the offseason - and he had gotten hurt in the meantime - you could argue that a lot of A's fans would be furious that Beane didn't trade him when he had the chance. And although I am confused why Gaudin got sent to Chicago along with Harden, I am thinking Hendry would've wanted some kind of "insurance player" in case Harden went down. Gaudin was twiddling his thumbs in bullpen, and things weren't looking good for him as a starter or in the 'pen - with the emergence of Brad Ziegler. So maybe that's why he was put in the deal.

Now, onto the players the A's acquired. I like the addition of Gallagher. He's got good numbers - especially for such a young player - and he has the advantage of being able to entertain fans between innings by hitting watermelons with a sledgehammer. If this doesn't get more fans in the stadium, who knows what will?

I also like the addition of Murton. While he will be missed by Cub fans (go check out the fitting tribute at Thunder Matt's Saloon), I think he'll be a good addition to the A's lineup. We seem to have trouble hitting lefties, and Thunder Matt could be the solution we're looking for. Plus, his career average is hovering around .300, which is more than most of the A's lineup can say for itself. From what I've heard, Murton could never find regular playing time in Chicago, and perhaps getting a shot to play every day will allow him to realize his Hall of Fame potential. I think an outfield of Gonzalez, R. Sweeney, and Murton could be pretty sweet. And as an added bonus, Murton also fills the "crazy red-headed outfielder" role that has been missing on the A's roster since the departure of Bobby Kielty.

Moving on to Eric Patterson. I'll admit, just hearing the name "Patterson" irritates the crap out of me. From what I can read, Eric is a better ballplayer than his brother. But then again, so am I. But seriously, he's been good in the minors and I'm willing to give him a chance. But if he turns out to be the pre-cursor to a Mark Ellis trade, I will hate him with the fire of a thousand suns.

As for Josh Donaldson, I'll get back to you on whether or not he was a good pick-up in about 3 years. I tried to read up on him earlier tonight, but then Daft Funk said "Wanna go to the Olive Garden?" and I got distracted. Wow, this post makes it seem like I eat a lot. I'm ok with that.

So in summary, although this trade stings a little, I think Beane got an ok haul...Especially considering we could've gotten nothing had Harden hurt himself again. I'll be honest, it'll be a bit of a relief not having to worry that Harden is going to fall apart every time he steps on the mound. When he pitched, I found myself in a constant of state of fear (and drinking a lot more beer than I normally do). I would freak out if there was a game delay because I was worried he was hurt...I would freak out if Harden came out after 5 innings because I was worried he was hurt...I would freak out if he was clocked under 92 miles per hour on his fastball because I was worried he was hurt...You get the picture. I think it'll be nice to have that weight lifted off Oakland's shoulders (note to Duke: You MUST stay healthy). But I will miss my second favorite Canadian. When he was on, he was fun to watch, and when Harden was on, there was always a chance of a no-hitter lingering in the air. I wish him successful - and most of all, healthy - days in Chicago, and I hope he can help bring the Cubs the World Series Championship they've been waiting for. That is, unless the A's somehow make it to the World Series this year. Then screw everything I just said - I hope Harden pulls a shoulder muscle* and Murton hits 10 home runs in one game.

"Do they have hot chicks in Chicago? Awww yeeeeeahhh!"

*I don't really want Harden to hurt himself. That would be mean. And I'm not mean...Most of the time.

Breaking News...

2008-07-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

I am getting word from my sources (aka Daft Funk IMed me from work) that Rich Harden is now a Cub...Geez, I go to Togo's for 15 minutes and this is what happens?!

Anyway, I'm hearing names like Matt Murton, Sean Gallagher, Eric Patterson (fuck) so far.

I'll write more later. Right now, I'm confused, kind of surprised, and hungry.

Steve Finley Was Here Fail Of The Week

2008-07-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Each week, we here at SFWH are going to single out one turd sandwich from here on the west coast and bestow upon them the honor of being the Steve Finley Was Here "Fail Of The Week"!

This week's absolute wasteland of a human being could actually qualify as the front-runner of Fail Of The Year or even Fail Of The Decade. Clay Bennett, owner of the Seattle Supersonics, pulled a "FINISH HIM" move straight out of Mortal Kombat, ripping the hearts out of every Sonics fan by moving the team to Oklahoma. Bennett is shown below holding Seattle's basketball heart in his hands:

I think that to show him what it feels like to have something you love moved to another part of the country, we should remove Clay's vagina and keep it in Seattle.

The Governor's State of the NL West Address

2008-07-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you Lieutenant Governor Funk, Speaker E-Claire, Senate Leader Brown, Senator "Erin", Leader Wesley and my fellow servants of the people, ladies and gentlemen… I am honored to stand here once again.

I come before you this Independence Day weekend as the NL West has fallen on tough times. I wish I could tell you the state of the NL West was strong, but alas, I cannot. It is in grave danger my friends. We are staring down the barrel of another embarassing .500 division champion.

As I speak to you, the Arizona Diamondbacks, who I picked to go to the 2008 World Series in a past life, are sitting atop the division one game under five hundred. After an insanely good start where they appeared to be poised to run away with not only the division but the entire NL, they opted to take a dump on the lawn. The hitting has vanished and as a result they now stand only 1.5 games ahead of the hapless Dodgers.

Oh the Dodgers...What has become of this once proud franchise? $82.2 million currently sits on the DL, which is more than the other teams in the division spend on their entire roster. The culpret here is clear: Ned Colletti. This vile Giants double-agent has purposely run this team into the ground. No one could possibly be as bad at his job as this guy.

San Francisco. Predicted to lose 110 games, they are now the one team in the West exceeding expectations. Of course, expectations were so low, this isn't difficult. Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain are coming into their own and managing to cover for the rest of the team, which no one outside of the Giants' front office can name.

How's that Jesus thing working out for you Colorado? One year removed from the World Series and they're 17 games under five hundred. Rockies in 6!

Bringing up the rear, we have the San Diego Padres. I can't shed a tear for you bastards. Your gloating and boasting about a franchise that has generally been one of the laughing stalks of the NL throughout their existence has generated so much bad karma you deserve this. At least you have a nice ballpark.

Will it get better in the West? Sure. I'm not sure things have bottomed out yet though. By the All Star Break, we could have a 3 way tie of sub five hundred teams for first place. There is always next year...

Whoever Had Game 85 In The Office Pool Wins...

2008-07-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

Bobby Crosby did not start today for the first time all season....He has some kind of hamstring strain...

Cal Ripken Jr., you can go to sleep tonight knowing your record is safe...

VIDEO THURSDAY!

2008-07-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

No, we aren't going to have videos EVERY Thursday, but it's Thursday and there's 2 videos I'd like to share. Deal with it.

First off, we have a rousing number from the Asian Jack Johnson about how much he wants Baron Davis to be a Clipper. Well buddy, you got your wish. Enjoy the 2 seasons where Baron is hurt and unhappy and the 3rd where he actually plays an entire season so he can bolt for an even bigger contract.

And in case you missed it last night, it takes a "special" player to do things you've never seen before. And there's no player in the league more "special" than Michael Barrett. And that thing you've never seen before? It's Barrett fouling a pitch off his face!

Son Of A Bitch...

2008-07-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

So the A's agreed to terms with pitching prospect Michel Inoa today. Apparently, it was an A's record for signing an amateur player. But seriously, how much would it take for an A's contract to be "record breaking" with the amount of money they have to spend? I think they signed Keith Foulke for 50 bucks and a case of Pop Tarts.

But the Inoa news was really the only bright spot for the A's today - considering Chavy was placed on the DL, Bobby Crosby hurt himself during today's game, Rich Harden might have some kind of dead arm, and our bullpen completely fell apart during the last 2 games of the Angels series (maybe Foulke got strawberry Pop Tarts instead of the blueberry ones he requested, and today's performance was his way of airing his grievances).

This has not been a good day for me.

Oh yeah, and while I'm venting, F you Baron Davis! You left the Warriors to become a Clipper? A freaking Clipper? You might as well have left the Warriors to play on my junior high basketball team. Whatever.

Now announcing a Dodgers boycott

2008-06-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers "saws and whiskey" medical staff has struck again: Juan Pierre is on the DL. I've been one of Pierre's VERY few defenders out here in Dodgersland, but the loss of him isn't why I'm boycotting.

I'm boycotting because Jason Repko is back.

If you don't know who he is, consider yourself lucky. He's only one of the sorriest sons of bitches to ever wear a Dodgers uniform. To thank the Dodgers for his undeserved call-up, he went 0 for 5 tonight with 4 strikeouts.

I've had to tolerate a lot of shit from this team in recent years and this year in particular, but Repko is the final straw. I'm boycotting the Blue until this sadsack goes back to Vegas where he belongs.

Steve Finley Was Here Fail Of The Week

2008-06-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Each week, we here at SFWH are going to single out one turd sandwich from here on the west coast and bestow upon them the honor of being the Steve Finley Was Here "Fail Of The Week"!

Say what you want, but any time you hold the other team to 0 hits and you still find a way to lose, that is what the internet kids call an EPIC FAIL!

81 to Go: Who Needs Hits?

2008-06-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers took their offensive futility to new heights over the weekend against California of Los Angeles of Anaheim, getting no-hit on Saturday night. The amazing thing? They still won the game! For only the 5th time in MLB history, a team got no-hit and still won. Nice job Blue Crew.

Next stop...Houston. The Dodgers are goin' huntin'.

The Bank Is Closed...

2008-06-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

What's up, brohamulus?

A clean-shaven Rich Harden completely owned the Phillies today. He pitched 8 innings of 2-hit ball, struck out a career-high 11, and threw under 100 pitches. This was his ninth straight start since coming off the DL. I know, I can't believe it either. This is the first time he's done this in 3 years.

This brings up an interesting question: If an offer comes in for Harden, do you trade him? I've heard that GMs have been afraid of his injury history (and hell, I don't blame them. When Harden threw over 100 pitches in one of his recent starts, I was screaming at Gamecast for Geren to pull him because I was so nervous he'd hurt himself. Side question: Is it normal to yell at Gamecast?) . However, now that he's pitching really well (7 of the 9 starts he's made since coming off the DL have been quality starts, and he has 2.15 ERA), I'm wondering if he'll make a good consolation prize to the team who loses out on C.C. Sabathia. You think that the Rays and the Red Sox look good now? Imagine what they'd be like with a healthy Harden.

Did I just put "Rays" and "good" in the same sentence? Wow. I need a minute. Look at this picture of a surly Bobby Crosby while I gather my thoughts:

Ok - I'm fine now. Anyway, if Beane gets a good offer for Harden, should he trade him? Let's look at some of the pros and cons:

The pros: Rich Harden has been a walking DL stint for years. If the A's could unload him now for a decent package, it could be a repeat of the Mulder deal. And as a fan, I have to say it has been frustrating to ride the "Will Rich Harden stay healthy?" roller coaster.

The cons: What if this is it for Harden? What if he's overcome whatever injury issues he's been having and is finally truly healthy? After all, maybe he kept getting hurt all these years because he was pushing himself to come back too early, and now that the A's have plenty of pitching, there was no pressure for him to come back ASAP from his most recent DL stint. Also, if the A's are looking to compete in the next couple of years, having Harden around would make that a lot easier.

I am torn on this one. I love Rich Harden, and when he's healthy, his stuff is fantastic. However, after watching him go on the DL a million times, part of me still can't trust that he's completely healthy. I keep expecting to read that Harden's shoulder was bothering him after his last outing, and he'll miss his next scheduled start. And we're not exactly starved for pitching - we've got some good pitching prospects in the minors, and Chad Gaudin in the bullpen. So if we could get any kind of offensive power in a trade, it might really help the team. But then again, good pitching beats good hitting. But then again, the A's have lost more than their share of close games due to quiet bats (ask Joe Blanton).

As you can tell, I'm undecided. I'll have to think about it some more. So I'll just end this post with another ridiculous picture of Bobby Crosby...

"Dude?"

84 to go: Crash & Burn

2008-06-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

In keeping with recent tradition, the Dodgers lost 2 of 3 to a so-so team and put another player on the DL. For good measure, they also moved a player already on the DL to the 60 day DL or as I call it, the "this guy is never playing again" list.

Who are the players? Do you really care? I heard and responded with barely enough enthusiasm to fart. If you guessed Scott Proctor for the 15-day DL and Gary Bennett to the 60-day DL, you win a prize. Click here to redeem it.

STP at the Hollywood Bowl 6/24/08

2008-06-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

From the "I should have done this when I was 18" file, on Tuesday 6/24, I saw the reunited Stone Temple Pilots at the Hollywood Bowl. Also in attendance was Finley's own seldom seen Brant Brown. No traffic for this one, which was a pleasant change from the three hour freeway debacle to see R.E.M. I threw some trash at an LAPD bike after the show out of spite anyway. Take that Pep Streebeck!

Going into this one, I told myself if Weiland doesn't fall of the stage or otherwise embarrass himself, I would be happy. Scott and the band exceeded these modest expectations by a long shot, putting on one of the best rock shows I've ever been too.

Back to the show itself in a minute... As always, people watching was part of the fun. We counted no fewer than four Iron Maiden shirts before the show. I can't say I would even suspect anyone I knew owns an Iron Maiden album, but here are four guys who apparently do. Another gem outside the Bowl was the father/son pair with matching Guns N Roses shirts. Inside, the group in front of us consisted of three forty-ish women and two teenagers. I thought, "Hey that's cool, they took their kids to the concert." I was off a little. When STP came on, the old bitties started moving to the music and lighting up a bowl of weed while the two kids sat there nearly falling asleep. Damn kids these days.

Just before 9:00, after what I hear was an uninspiring performance by an uninspiring man, Frank Black, an AIDS-thin Weiland and the rest of STP takes the stage and goes into Big Empty. It was never my favorite song of theirs, but it sounded pretty good live. After that, they start ripping into the rock, knocking my dick in the dirt with Wicked Garden and Big Bang Baby. About this time, I text TMS bartender Chaim Witz to eloquently notify him that this STP show is apparently much better than the one he attended in Chicago not long ago.

With no new material to support, the set list read like a greatest hits CD, but you can't hold that against them. Hearing 16 year old gems like Crackerman and Sex Type Thing live and loud was more than enough to keep me and the sell out crowd entertained (yes, believe it or not, Core came out in 1992). Videos courtesy of some guy with much better seats than me who posted them on youtube for all to see.

The set list:

Big Empty / Wicked Garden / Big Bang Baby / Silvergun Superman / Vasoline / Lounge Fly / Lady Picture Show / Sour Girl / Creep / Crackerman / Plush / Interstate Love Song / Too Cool Queenie / Coma / Down / Sex Type Thing / Sin / encore / Dead & Bloated / Trippin’ on a Hole in a Paper Heart

King Felix Gets The Royal Treatment (Then Hurts Himself)

2008-06-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

The Mariners beat the Mets 5-2 last night. No, that's not a typo. The Mariners did win a game...

And the offensive hero of the game was...Felix Hernandez?

Yes - King Felix hit a grand slam in the 2nd inning off Johan Santana. Apparently, the only player on the team who can hit the ball is a pitcher...Who hardly ever gets to hit because he plays in the American League. Awesome. And Mr. Santana, you'll be happy to know that King Felix figures this was his first home run since Little League. Good job, buddy.

It was the first grand slam by an American League pitcher in almost 40 years, and the first home run by a pitcher in Mariners history. So how did Felix celebrate this milestone? By spraining his ankle while covering home plate and leaving the game before he could get the win.

This is where I would usually make a Mariners joke, but there's no greater joke than the team they put on the field every day. Zing!

87 to go: Too God Damned Hot

2008-06-22T19:45:00.001-07:00

LA lost two of three to the no-name Indians over the weekend and managed to gain ground on the Diamondbacks. God hates the NL West. I was one of the few who braved 101 degree heat to see Saturday's loss. The game was boring as hell, 1-1 through 10 before Scott Proctor came in and blew the game. Selected photos from the game:

We arrive to see buzzards circling the stadium...a perfect metaphor for the Dodgers season.

God of Death and Destruction Clayton Kershaw and Jason Schmidt take in the game. Hopefully Clayton doesn't catch Jason's AIDS.

Joe Beimel, Internet God

The big screen at Dodgers Stadium always brings you uh, "interesting", tidbits about the players. Here we learn what Jamey Carroll likes to do in his spare time. What doesn't it tell you? The drawings are actually of young boys.

Angel Berroa looks really happy to be here.

Daft Funk's West Coast Musings

2008-06-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Another Friday, another lazy, throwaway post from myself. Let's get a-rollin'!

As the Gov. pointed out yesterday, the M's are suddenly interesting, just because they've had no problem slicing limbs off of their coaching staff. It seems like part of the reason they're so willing to fire their off the field employees (aside from being a truly terrible team) is because they can't do much else. Most of the guys on their roster can't be traded because they are either fan favorites (Ichiro, King Felix), too expensive for anyone to want (Adrian Beltre) or just plain suck balls (Jarrod Washburn, Riche Sexson). So guess what, Seattle? You're looking at pretty much the same team next year! Between that and the whole business with the Sonics, God must hate Seattle. Probably because of the whole Starbucks thing.
Every week, I rag on the Angels for not being interesting at all. Instead of just complaining about this, I decided that I'll give them some advice. First up? Hire Charlie Manuel, the Mets' interim manager. Manuel tried to take Jose Reyes out of a game this week and Reyes didn't want to come out of the game. He made this clear to Manuel, and after the game, Manuel had this to say: "I told him next time he does that I'm going to get my blade out and cut him. I'm a gangster. You go gangster on me, I'm going to have to get you. You do that again, I'm going to cut you right on the field."
The A's had a case of deja-vu this week, facing 2 of their former aces in Dan Haren and Barry Zito. Both were good in Oakland, but Haren is thriving in the NL while Zito has been terrible and I have no idea why. Oh wait, Barry Zito is terrible. That's what it is.
Lakers = joke. Kobe being a "great" teammate all the sudden = joke. Doc Rivers actually outcoaching Phil Jackson = surprisingly not a joke. Andrew Bynum is supposed to put these guys back over the top next season? That's just going to be one more young teammate for Kobe to yell at.
It's hot here today. Really hot. It sucks. Just like the Padres (Didn't think I'd be able to work them in there, did you?).
Califonia is now allowing gay marriages. And yet I still can't find PBR in a can at any supermarket I wander into. What a crazy state.

That's all I got. Don't take any line drives off the face.

90 to go: The Reds are REALLY Awful

2008-06-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

How bad are the Reds? They just got swept by the Dodgers. I'm not going to get too excited about this though. LA is going to have to perform like this against someone else before I start to get my hopes up again.

Winning will be difficult though thanks to the Dodgers training and medical staff. Kuroda is now on the DL. Brad Penny, who has been blowing ass all year, finally fessed up to the fact that he has been injured all along! He is now on the DL. Nomar, Schmidt, and Furcal may very well be dead for all I know. The one Dodger that is actually healing? The one I never want to see put on a Dodger uniform again, AndrEw Jones. When does the NFL start?

Seattle: Suddenly Interesting

2008-06-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

Once so boring, we didn't even bother to use the teams name in their label, the Mariners are suddenly interesting. Unlike most teams who suck and are content to do so for years or decades or even a century (*cough*Funk*cough*), the worst in the majors Mariners are cleaning house.

GM Bill Bavasi - Gone.

Underachieving Man Child Richie Sexson - Maybe gone.

and today, Manager John McLaren - Gone.

McLaren, who took over after Mike Hargrove quit for no particular reason in the middle of last year, was sacked before the team's road trip to Atlanta. Jim Riggleman, who has enough Frequent Failure Miles to travel around the world five times, will take over the team for the rest of the year. With the Giants disappointingly almost mediocre, my hopes for a 110 loss team must now be pinned on Seattle.

With the GM and Manager gone, the next move is the on-field fire sale.

We are now accepting bids for this lovely CF from Japan! Sure he's overpaid, but he sure puts asses in the seats. Lesbians need not bid.

Stay tuned to Marinerland as your team may pick up one of these sad sacks for pennies on the dollar.

You Win This Round, Haren...

2008-06-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Due to the fun that is known as "interleague play," the A's faced former teammate Dan Haren last night. And he pretty much made the A's offense his bitch...

Haren - who was traded to Arizona in the offseason for six guys - looked a little shaky in the first inning, but then settled down and pitched 7 innings of 4-hit ball, striking out 8. The A's only managed to score one run against him. Why can't Haren be more like Barry Zito?

And as if making Oakland's offense his bitch wasn't bad enough, Haren also hit a bases-clearing double off his buddy Joe Blanton. What a jackass. But Blanton didn't do much to help himself, either - considering he gave up 8 freakin' runs in 3 innings!

But seriously, I don't hate Haren. He was great in Oakland, and 3 of the guys we got for him - Dana Eveland, Greg Smith, and Carlos Gonzalez - are already making a huge contribution to the team (by the way, did you see Gonzalez's catch in Tuesday's game? Fan-freakin'-tastic. Seriously, you need to watch it. Go here).

And there is one bright spot to last night's offensive explosion by the D-Backs: Chris Young and Stephen Drew are on my fantasy team. But then again, so is Joe Blanton. There goes my ERA for the week...

"What do you mean you're taking me out?! 8 runs isn't that many. Whatever. The sooner I get outta here, the sooner I can hit up Applebee's for that 3-course combo deal."

Richie Sexson: DUNZO!

2008-06-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

Rumor out of Seattle today is that Richie Sexson is going to be released by the Mariners, possibly by the end of the week. This follows up the firing of Bill Bavasi just a few days ago as the M's try and donkey punch the weakest links out of their organization.

I think "Big Sexy" got kind of a bad rap in Seattle. While Sexson was in Milwaukee, the only thing he was good for was hitting homers and driving in RBIs. Batting average? I got your batting average right here (Points to a piece of paper that says .246).

Sure, giving him $50 million over 4 years was kind of a stretch, but in his first 2 years in Seattle, Sexson averaged 38 homers and 114 RBIs. Seems like what you should expect from him, no?

Sadly, Sexson has forgotten how to hit the long ball this year. Combine that with the fact that Sexson never really knew how to hit the short ball either, and you've got a guy looking for a new job.

Richie, don't look to your bat at times like this. It has no answers for you.

The 2007-2008 NBA Season is Over

2008-06-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

I'm no Lakers fan, frankly I'm a Lakers hater, but this was pretty painful to watch. After a choke for the ages in game 4, they somehow managed to win game 5 to send things back to Boston. They must have missed the plane though because no one on the Lakers bothered to show up. There hasn't been a bloodbath like this since Waco.

How do you lose by 39 in the Finals? You're supposed to be good. Lakers Nation isn't worried though. They tell me Andrew Bynum will save them next year. They also tell me Bynum can turn water into wine and cure lepers. Oh well, the Lakers car flags will go back in the closet until next June right by the boogie board and two-sizes too small speedo.

Reality is setting in now...

Boston just won another championship. Fuck. Did you see that interview with Kevin Garnett? Someone needs to calm him the fuck down. Ritalin or something. Good lord, just shoot me now...they're playing Springsteen. Stuart Scott is giving out the MVP. Thats it, I'M FINISHED.

Utah Jazz in '09!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve Finley Was Here Fail Of The Week

2008-06-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

Each week, we here at SFWH are going to single out one turd sandwich from here on the west coast and bestow upon them the honor of being the Steve Finley Was Here "Fail Of The Week"!

The Mariners had big plans for the 2008 season. After having a better than expected 2007 campaign, they decided to go for it this year by trading the future (Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman" Jones) for a bit of present-day action (Erik "Don't Call Me Pacman" Bedard). Seattle hoped to contend for a wide open AL West crown or at least have a shot at the Wild Card.

March 31
April 2
April 17
April 22

Those are all of the dates this season that the Mariners were able to go to bed with a record above .500. On all of those days, The M's were one game over.

The Mariners are now 24-45, 21 games under .500. What else did the Mariners expect? Did they really think they could win with a roster filled with the likes of Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre, Carlos Silva and Jarrod Washburn? Who the hell gave all these people money?

GM Bill Bavasi? You, sir, should be fired. Ooops wait, you were.

93 to go: The Dodgers are Awful

2008-06-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

The only good thing I can say about the Dodgers trip to Detroit is that no one got stabbed or shot (that I'm aware of anyway). They ran their scoreless streak to 24 innings before getting a run on Saturday, and after coming back from a rain delay tied 0-0 on Sunday, it took them all of 2/3rds of an inning to blow it eventually losing 5-4.

Penny gave up 7 runs in less than 4 innings on Saturday and then promptly returned to Los Angeles having pleasantly revealed that his shoulder has been fucked all year. This isn't the first time a Dodger has hidden his injury from the team. These assholes need to have a clause in their contract that says they forfeit some of their salary if they hide an injury from the team.

Another injury is no big surprise. I've said for years that the entire Dodgers training staff needs to be shown the door. This team is plagued by more crap injuries than any other team I've ever seen. Its actually getting worse now though. Nomar and Furcal are essentially out indefinitely with muscle strains. Nomar is no real loss, but no Furcal in the lineup is really killing the offense.

There is nothing to like about this team right now except for Blake DeWitt and Clayton Kershaw. I will soldier on though.

Rich Harden Injury Watch, Part Deux

2008-06-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

Rich Harden made his 7th straight start yesterday since coming off the DL, and it was another gem - my second favorite Canadian (Neil Young will always be #1) pitched 6 innings of one-hit ball, striking out nine and not giving up a run. This was his sixth straight quality start.

That's all fine and well, but what disturbed me about yesterday's game was this:

Rich Harden has shaved off his facial hair! And for the 4 of you who have been reading this blog, you know that Harden has managed to remain injury-free after coming off the DL sporting a goatee.

Now before you tell me "E-Claire, I highly doubt that a few face whiskers are keeping Rich Harden off the DL," chew on this: Harden admitted that he wasn't feeling "100 percent" after his last start against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County down the street from a Del Taco. And Bob Geren said that Harden's pitch count was being monitored yesterday.

Dana Eveland, Alan Embree, Joe Blanton, Chad Gaudin...You guys need to sit down with Harden and explain the importance of facial hair...It'll be a "goatee intervention" of sorts. And if he resists, simply show him this:

No facial hair = injury prone

Facial Hair = Hall of Fame

The Giants Make Huston Street Wet

2008-06-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

In the bottom of the 9th in last night's Oakland/San Francisco game, the sprinkler system at AT&T park came on just as the Giants were down to their final out. There are a few reasons this could have happened:

1. The Giants were expecting to have lost by then and didn't bother re-scheduling the sprinklers when it took them about 15 minutes longer than usual to lose the game.

2. The Giants have resorted to cheating, using the sprinklers to distract Huston Street in an attempt to hit a game-winning 6-run home run off of him. And yes, San Francisco brass thinks 6-run homers are possible. These are the same people that put together Barry Zito's contract.

3. In an attempt to boost ratings, the Giants wanted a few shots of Huston Street soaking wet in tight pants. It did happen in San Francisco after all...

Daft Funk's West Coast Musings

2008-06-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

These guys also got kicked out of Safeco Field for making out.

It's Friday. You know what that means? Another edition of West Coast Musings, your weekly* roundup of bits and pieces of news from the Left Coast!

We're just finishing up week 11 of the baseball season, and there's still nothing interesting to say about the Angels. Did you know that recently they won 7 games in a row? No? I don't blame you. I don't think a team has had a quieter 7 game winning streak in the history of baseball.
Oh, the Dodgers...so sad. You look at their lineup and just about everyone seems like they could hit between .290 and .320, and yet they continue to struggle scoring runs. Remember a few years ago when they had the same problem and decided to bring in Jeromy Burnitz? Is a Barry Bonds signing far behind?
The Dodgers are also planning on playing Nomar at shortstop when he comes back from the DL. I can only imagine that this is because the Dodgers hate Nomar as much as the rest of us do and want him injured as quickly as possible.
The Padres? What is up with teams that we here at SFWH deem the "worst in baseball" suddenly becoming...decent. First it was the Giants, now the Padres are showing signs of life. Does this mean that you can expect the Mariners to string together a few wins and make a move soon?
No...they're just that bad.
Remember all that talk about how Kobe could be as good as Michael Jordan? Would Jordan have let his team blow a 24 point lead in the NBA Finals? Hell no! Jordan would have scored 70 a game if he had to. Kobe is not, nor will he ever be, Michael Jordan's equal.
How many people do you think have lost money in office "How Many Starts Will Rich Harden Make?" pools? You know that one person in the office that said 20 starts that everyone laughed at? They're taking your money to Arby's at lunch, broham.

That's all. Apologies to Mariners fans, but we don't have a quality baseball team for you to watch.

*except for last week...

Does anyone know the heimlich?

2008-06-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

If so, please visit the Lakers' locker room post haste. LA went from being up by as many as 24 to losing by 6 at home, allowing Boston to take a 3-1 series lead.

96 to go: Weekdays in the Whale's Vagina

2008-06-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Ron Burgundy has declared the Dodgers are terrible. Who can argue with that? They lost two of three to the truly dreadful Padres, giving up 9 to one of the worst offenses in baseball on Wednesday afternoon. Fortunately I was spared this debacle.

The lone win in the series came in Tuesday's Kershaw/Maddux match up. Those two delivered as promised and then the Padres pen came in and gave it away to LA. In the next two, the Dodgers mustered only one run. Wednesday's game was an improvement over their last meeting with Peavy though. In the previous meeting, when Jake clearly had pine tar on his hands, LA got only two hits. Today they came up with three.

Go fuck yourself San Diego!

West Coast Swingers Part II

2008-06-10T16:51:00.001-07:00

Fresh off their stint in San Diego, the Cubs headed up to Los Angeles and venerable Dodger Stadium, in search of four victories and the ancient bones of Vin Scully. Well, the wins were not in abundance, but they did manage to split the four games. Vin Scully still having a pulse? Inconclusive. On to the games.

Game 1: Cubs beat the Dodgers 5-4. Howry picking up the win, Saito, not surprisingly, takes the loss in the ninth, and Wood tallies the save.

Brant Brown: After two successive excursions to San Diego, I'm skipping this game and catching it on TV. Actually, I ended up listening to the last two innings on the radio in the car. Fukudome stepped up with a solo homerun, showing that he can indeed hit the ball away from home. DeRosa launches another shot, proving every day that he's better with the stick than Brian Roberts. As we realized in Wrigley, there is no fear when Saito is near. Thing were looking sexy after this victory.

Game 2: Dodgers beat the Cubs 3-0. Kuroda gets the win, going the distance, Gallagher is tagged for the loss.

Brant Brown: I had two tickets in the reserved level for this game. I ended up eating them. Getting off work at 5:30 and having to battle the L.A. traffic proved too daunting of a task, so the wife and I went to a barbecue instead. Am I a bad fan? No. I was still able to sneak away about five times throughout the night to catch the score in the car. I clearly didn't miss much, as the Cubs were held to four hits and pretty much had their collective asses handed to them. I think I ended up making the wise choice.

Game 3: Dodgers beat the Cubs 7-3. Derek Lowe gets the victory, Zambrano takes the loss, and subsequently destroys two Gatorade coolers. Clearly they were at fault.

Brant Brown: This game was a mini-TMS meetup. Attending the game were me, Daft Funk, and the Governor. Before we even got in the car to make the drive, I was treated to a Pale-Off between Funk and the Governor. The Governor won. Both applied copious amounts of sunscreen as I watched. Breathlessly.

I've chosen to wear the Start the Riot shirt from the TMS store. This will prove to be a questionable decision at two points throughout the day. The first was when we arrived at Dodger Stadium. You know how they have attendants that check purses and bags before you get to the guy that takes your ticket? Well, apparently not having a bag does not automatically allow you to pass through this checkpoint. The woman badgered me for the contents of my left pocket. There she found my wallet. Believing the encounter was over, I walked forward but was met with an "Excuse Me Sir!" from behind. I then had to empty my pockets. At this point I realized that my civil rights were likely being assaulted due to the questionable T-shirt. After assuring her that I did not truly intend on starting a riot, I was allowed to pass through.

As Funk can detail below, the game sucked. After the game we hit a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle. Note to self: Do not wear a shirt that says "Start the Riot" to a predominantly African American restaurant.

Daft Funk: Meeting The Gov and Brant was a pleasure as always. We met up at Casa de Brown and hit the road, Stone Temple Pilots blaring. Traffic up to the stadium was almost non-existent. I should have taken this as a bad sign, as there is always traffic in Los Angeles. We wanted to get to the ballpark early to catch batting practice. Well, we got to the ballpark early, but being a day game after a night game, no BP was taken. So we did what any random fan 2 hours early to a game would do: we hit up the concession stands for some brats and beers.

At a previous Dodger game in 2006, I had the pleasure of being terribly underwhelmed by the famous Dodger Dogs. However, the brats they sell at the Stadium are 10 kinds of fantastic. add to that an $11 dollar beer, and you've got yourself a ballgame treat fit for the Gods.

The one thing that confused me so much that my head began to hurt was the fact that there were a lot of people at Dodger Stadium that had wrong stuff on. There were countless hats/shirts being worn that had no reason to be there, including the Reds, Red Sox (a mass offender), Pirates, Twins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Cleveland Browns, Minnesota Timberwolves and Toronto Argonauts. It's like the people of LA woke up and said "Well, any sports team is a good fit for any sporting event!"

The game itself was unremarkable and boring. Aside from Fat Z's meltdown (which we were in prime position to see), there wasn't much going on. Brant and I tried to get a "Let's Go Celtics" chant going to infuriate the home crowd, but it's kind of hard to do so when the LA team is winning.

Game Highlight: There was a woman sitting in front of us with her husband that actually snuck a banana into the game in an attempt to get it to Zambrano so he wouldn't cramp up during the game. So the whole game, whenever Zambrano did anything good or bad, she would hold the banana up in the air and wiggle it around. When she wasn't doing that, she would just sit with it in her lap, idly petting it. Billions of dirty jokes were popping up (no pun intended) every minute we were there.

A little later into the game, the usher near us popped a beach ball that was making the rounds around our section. Most people booed, but Gov Gray and I tried to cheer her on for doing away with the disgrace to baseball. She gave us a really bitchy look and kept walking past our section. There's no need for that, miss. So after the game, the Gov was able to sweet talk the lady in front of us into giving him the banana she had. On our way out, Gov went down to the usher that had given us the cold shoulder and presented her with the banana as a peace offering. The look on her face was equal parts bewilderment, fury, confusion and unbridled horniness. Mission accomplished, Governor.

The other highlight of the day was a trip to Roscoe's House Of Chicken and Waffles in Long Beach. I didn't get to check, but I'm sure Kid Rock was there. I'm sure he wanted to punch someone in the face as usual. The highlight of the trip? Roscoe's in Long Beach is definitely a place where Caucasians like us were clearly outnumbered by an easy 5-1 count. Now I have no problem with this, but the fact that Brant was wearing a shirt that said "Start The Riot" made me a little uneasy.

Governor Gray Davis: Vin Scully: still alive and calling games in the vastly underrated one man booth, Harry Carey's alcohol pickled corpse in the ground somewhere - PWNED.

Its good to finally meet Funk and compare notes on paleness. For the game, I decide the only way I can out-shout the Cubs fans in attendance is too get drunk, so I start drinking $12 Dos Equis immediately upon arrival. It works wonders. The Dodgers haven't won a game I've attended in years, but the streak is at an end as Fat Z melts down and starts giving up runs to LA's dreadful offense left and right. I become emboldened and start singing "I Love LA" much to the chagrin of Funk and Brant.

The usher who popped the beach ball is utterly humorless. She clearly hates her life. Think about it - 99 times out of 100 if you randomly give someone a banana, you'd at least get a grin from the sheer absurdity of it all. Nothing from this girl.

As Saito strikes out some Cubs in the 9th, the Randy Newman starts playing and I'm happier than a pig in shit. We make our way out to the parking lot and after heckling some Cubs fans, I get ice thrown at me. Its OK though because we're in Brant's car. The Roscoe's is a great way to cap off this glorious day of baseball.

Game 4: Cubs defeat the Dodgers 3-1. Marquis (amazingly!) gets the victory, Penny is handed the defeat, Wood notches another save.

Brant Brown: In attendance for this game are myself, the wife, and the Governor. Again, we get to the park way too early, but at least this time we can take in batting practice. It was fun to see Zambrano hack at the ball, but one has to wonder how long it will be until he pulls a muscle swinging too hard. I hope Lou doesn't seriously use him as a DH in the American League parks.

This was the ESPN game of the week, so plenty of dignitaries were on hand. We had a good view on the field of the beached whale known as Jon Miller, and I stalked Peter Gammons throughout the game on my camera. Vince Vaughn was also taking in the game in the first row behind the Cubs dugout. I saw Gammons chatting him up on one occasion, and between innings, Soto tossed Vaughn a ball on his way back to the dugout.

The early homer by DeRosa was great, and Lee had that great stop in the 8th inning with the toss to Marmol. Wood closing down the Dodgers was a great way to end the road trip and wrap up our yearly excursions.

Governor Gray Davis: Horse and feeling the sting of overpriced beer from the day before, I decide not to drink too much today. Big mistake. After showing flashes of offense the day before, the Dodgers barely show up and get shut down by Jason Marquis. How the hell does that happen?

I have no love for this game at all. Basically, everything bad about the 2008 Dodgers is on display tonight. The only highlights for me are seeing Peter Gammons and the wonderful Camacho Nachos I pick up around the 5th inning. Even the team store is a disappointment. Its the Dodgers 50th anniversary in Los Angeles and they have virtually nothing for sale denoting that fact. At least Brant's "I heart Soto" shirt has the wrong number on it.

The mysterious $12 beer from Dodger Stadium.

How much to get drunk and watch this awful team?

Droppin' the F-Bomb. Fukakke!

The now famous "Banana Incident". She's totally checking out Gov's ass.

Peter Gammons: True Pimp.

On the way out of the stadium.

The Dodger offense this season.

Chicago Cubs: West Coast Swingers

2008-06-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

For us Southern California Cub fans, every season gives us one week in which our lives are dictated by the schedule making gods. The West Coast swing by the Cubs is our opportunity to turn Petco Park into Wrigleyville West, and to make just enough of a presence at Dodger Stadium to hear the catcalls and death threats from heavily tattooed, overweight, bald Hispanic men. Consider the events of the last week Mission Accomplished. Today we will bring you the events that transpired for our brave TMS Bartenders in San Diego, followed by the trials and tribulations of the Los Angeles experience tomorrow.

Game 1: Cubs defeat the Padres 7-6. Zambrano gets the victory, Baek the loss, Wood the save.

Um, we're off to a rousing start, as none of us went to this game. Seriously though, it was a Monday. Mondays are bad enough as it is.

Game 2: Cubs defeat the Padres 9-6. Marquis stunningly gets a victory, Bryan Corey??? the loss, Wood the save.

Brant Brown: Homerun derby for the Cubs in this one, as Soriano, Soto, and DeRosa all hit shots out of the park. The wife and I left Orange County at 4pm and made the drive to San Diego in a fleet hour and twenty minutes. As has become a trend with us, we parked at the convention center and used their facilities. I think I've done everything in the convention center restrooms shy of propositioning a man.

Since we had some time to kill before the game, we stopped at our favorite bar in the Gaslamp, The Blarney Stone. The place was dead, just how we like it. One of the televisions was showing the NCAA Softball Championship game between Arizona State and Texas A&M. We had a fascinating conversation with the bartender (the only bartender I've ever seen there) about softball, particularly why they don't wear hats when they play the field. We chalked it up as another great mystery of life, ate a chicken quesadilla, and made our way into Petco.

We took our seats in the field level and were soon joined by Daft Funk and E-Claire. We were absolutely surrounded by Cubs fans, and these were by no means the cheap seats. The lone Padres supporter sitting directly behind me was a bitter old man that kept yelling at us to sit down and be quiet. To him, we're very sorry that our team actually gives us something to cheer about. At some point during the game, my jacket made it's way onto the ground and under my seat. When I retrieved it at the end of the night, it was soaked in some liquid. I blame the old guy.

Aside from the old man, everyone was putting their full effort into chants of "Let's Go Cubbies". The pre- and post-game radio broadcasts for the Padres kept conveying how Padres fans should be embarrassed by this showing. Some random jerkoff Padres fan in the men's bathroom, outnumbered by Cubs fans 4-1, yelled to us "why don't you all fucking go back to the Midwest!". We just looked at him and shook our heads. Poor Padres fans.

Daft Funk: Despite the fact that I reside in San Diego, I had never been to Petco Park, so this was a treat. Traffic was non-existent, which already put Petco over the likes of Dodger Stadium, Angels Stadium of Orange County of California, and...well, pretty much anywhere in the LA/OC area.

Anyway, as Brant already said, the game was not even as close as the final score of 9-6 indicates. After Soriano's 3 run donkeypunch off Guevara in the 8th, all the Padres fans headed to the exits. From that point on, it was literally 95% Cub fans. There were enough of us there to start a loud and clear "Ge-o So-to" chant in the 9th inning. Kerry Wood came in and blew motherfuckers away too.

Random Note #1: Soriano's 3 run jack in the 8th was off a player listed on the scoreboard as "C. Guevara". Now was this actually the Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara? Or was it just Benicio Del Toro playing Che on the mound? Either way, Benicio's gotta spend less time looking strung out and more time learning a change-up.

Random Note #2: As Brant mentioned, there were some geezers behind us. We stood up with all the other Cub fans when the bases were loaded with a full count. They yelled at me to sit down. I told them no, and that everyone else was standing too. Then the old man looked me dead in the eyes and said "Fuck you! Sit down!" I've never had a man of 528 years of age swear at me before. It was awesome.

Random Note #3: When E-Claire and I were waiting around for food, a cotton candy guy came up to us and started telling us that we needed to buy cotton candy because "you don't have this stuff in the Midwest". When I told him that there actually was cotton candy in the Midwest, he then tried to sell me on the fact that he had woke up at the crack of dawn and hand-picked the cotton candy for me himself. I told him I didn't have any cash, but he wouldn't give up. He told me that there was an ATM right around the corner, to which I said "True, but that comes with a $5 service charge." He then relented and said that he hated ATM's because they were driving down his business. He then walked away yelling "I hate ATM's! No one use ATM's!" at anyone around him. Stay classy, indeed...

Random Note #4: Michael Barrett was a victim of the double steal...twice in one game!

E-Claire: For the 3 of you that read my posts, you know that I am an A's fan. However, I'm happy to throw my support behind the Cubs (as long as they're not playing the A's in interleague). So Daft Funk and I headed to Petco to meet Mr. and Mrs. Brant Brown...

When Funk and I first got to the park, we were a little confused as to where our seats were located. However, a lady quickly noticed our despair, and pointed us in the right direction after looking at our tickets. When we said "thanks," she responded "It's ok. I live in San Diego." Um...thanks for the info, lady. We live in San Diego, too. I'm glad we have something in common.

Although the Cubs were losing for the first few innings, excitement was brewing. Why? Because Wil "Whatshisname" Ledezma was throwing a no-hitter! I started to wonder "Could we possibly witness history tonight?" But then he lost the no-no in the third and I went back to enjoying my churro (that thing was good...I mean real good. I want to be friends with it. Either you just got my Anchorman reference or I came across looking like a weirdo and/or pervert. I'm happy with either outcome).

Like Daft said, the final score seemed like the game was a lot closer than it actually was. The Cubs hit a bunch of home runs, and stole a bunch of bases because Michael Barrett's arm is about as strong as a non-alcoholic beer. Zing! But seriously, he's awful. And I, too, didn't appreciate the angry man behind us telling us to sit down during an exciting moment in the game (the Cubs were in a position to take the lead). Dude, this is a baseball game. If you want to hang out in an environment with well-behaved, seated citizens, then you should've gone to Bingo Night at the Legion Hall, instead.

Things started to get a little complicated for me in the later innings because in addition to paying attention to the Cubs/Padres game, I was trying to monitor the A's/Tigers game on Funk's phone. I probably looked like a total douchebag standing up to cheer while staring at a cell phone screen, but I like to think I'm just a good multitasker. The A's ended up winning the game in extras on an infield single by Jack Cust. Yes, you read that correctly. Jack Cust legged out an infield single. How the hell did he manage that?! He must've been picturing Miguel Cabrera as a giant Twinkie or something for extra motivation.

Oh yeah...Back to the Cubs game...After a semi-comeback by the Padres in the 8th, Kerry Wood and his beard shut the door in the ninth to secure the win. Then, all of the Cubs fans sang a rousing rendition of "Go Cubs Go" on the opposing team's turf. It was pretty cool. I stopped for another churro on the way out (what? They were good!)...

Game 3: Padres defeat the Cubs 2-1. Heathcliff Slocumb Bell gets the win, Machine Gun Lilly the loss, AARP member Trevor Hoffman the save.

Brant Brown: Like the day before, I left work at 4pm to make the drive to SD, this time sans wife. Daft and I were meeting up for what would hopefully be a more rowdy boys-only game. Man did we peg that one wrong. It took me two and a half god damned hours to drive to SD this time. There was a very slight amount of drizzle on the freeway, which in Southern California, essentially shuts down all roadways. The drivers here are the most pathetic pieces of shit when it comes to any driving conditions other than "sunny". Per usual, I parked at the convention center and took a leak. Knowing that Daft was also stuck in traffic, I proceeded into the stadium on my own, grabbed a brat and a Stone IPA, and took my seat. Essentially the same seats as the night before, except along the first baseline. In fact, these seats were a bit better as there was no overhang and the scoreboard was directly in front of us. It was all downhill from here though.

The retarded Hairston brother (no, not the retarded Hairston brother that played for the Cubs, and not his shady looking father) hits a leadoff homer immediately quieting the Cub crowd. Daft and I tried our damnedest to boo Edmonds, but we only seemed to confuse everyone around us. I yelled "Asshole!" a couple times, but there was a little girl two rows in front of us that just stared me down as if I had thrown her puppy in the dryer. There really wasn't much to get excited about in this game. Lilly settled down and pitched decent enough, but we couldn't string any hits together. One positive is that the game was short, two hours sixteen minutes, so we left the stadium and hit up The Blarney Stone for a nightcap. Oh yeah, I also met Brian Giles outside the stadium, as evidenced by the accompanying photo.

Anyway, the third game was not as spectacular as the other two, but it held it's own as the yearly rite of passage for dislocated Cubs fans.

Daft Funk: What a terrible experience. Yes, it was raining, which made the traffic terrible. I also had to drive near Qualcomm Stadium to get to Petco, which was housing some kind of soccer game that night, making traffic even worse. By the time I got into the stadium and joined Brant, the Cubs were looking at a 1-0 deficit. We were surrounded by nothing but old people and kids, so cursing up a storm was pretty much out. Both Maddux and Lilly were on their games, so the game went by so quickly that when Trevor Hoffman struck out the side to end the game, we didn't feel like it was actually over because we had only been there for about 13 minutes.

We did have a few douchebag Padre fans around us though. Sitting to my left was a dude that would rate a 9 on the Douchebag Scale and his girlfriend that was wearing her thong pulled up so high above her pants, she could have worn the straps over her shoulders. Don't forget about the tramp stamp tattoo. Anyway, the first thing the guy says to his girlfriend when they sit down is "Do you want me to buy you a Padres blanket from the store so you can stay warm?" Yeah, he was that guy. Also, it was about 67 degrees at game time.

On the way out, Brant posed with Brian Giles and helped him with a little "manscaping". We hit up this bar that was OK, but the song selection for when we were there was something like this:

K.T. Tunstall
Nickelback
Daughtry
Hinder
Nickelback

Seriously...they played Nickelback twice within 4 songs. It could have been more...I don't remember because I blacked out at that point on account of the terrible choices in music.

The highlight of the evening was the Petco Park garlic fries. It took the combined efforts of both Brant and myself to defeat them, but they were a tasty treat. They were so good in fact, that they continued to "deliver" into the next day at work. My co-workers were not pleased.

All in all, it was about a 5 out of 10 on the fun scale. If we would have been able to swear more and neither of us had to drive anywhere, it could have had the potential to be a "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave" evening. Oh well...there's always next year for San Diego.

Wednesday: The L.A. Experience

99 to go: Fukutoo

2008-06-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

Nice job Dodgers...you didn't lose a series! You didn't win either, but I'm grasping at straws. They split the four game set with the Cubs 2-2. More importantly, they broke my in-attendance losing streak dating back to the Carter administration on Saturday.

Who?

Chin Lung Hu, we hardly knew ye. After a sorry month of filling in for the indefinitely injured Rafael Furcal, Hu is back down in Las Vegas to nurse that .159 average. To plug the hole at short, the Dodgers acquired former Rookie of the Year Angel Berroa from the Royals for some big league chew and a 12 pack of Natty Ice.

Don't Even Think About It

The Dodgers called up Andy LaRoche. Torre: Don't even think about benching the 2008 Rookie of the Year DeWitt... You know guys in La Cosa Nostra sure, but I've got contacts in the Yakuza who will kill a guy 7 times before he hits the ground.

Zambrano Hates Gatorade - The AP Hates All of Us

After giving up 7 runs to LA (which counts as 21 runs against a normal offense), Zambrano beat the living shit out of some Gatorade. Naturally, the AP has no pictures of this online. Assholes.

Obi-wan Kuroda and Jeff Weaver...Linked by History

On Friday, Hiroki Kuroda gave the Dodgers their first complete game shut out since Jeff Weaver wore Dodger blue.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Still fat. Still plagued by huge warts. Still on the DL.

You Stay Classy, San Diego...

2008-06-05T19:57:00.000-07:00

Since I live in San Diego, I feel like I should write something about the Padres. However, I don't really have much to say about them - their best pitcher is on the DL, most of their every day players are unrecognizable, and as of right now, even the Giants have a better record than they do. So after much thought (a whole 5 minutes, which has to be some kind of record for me), I've decided, with the help of Daft Funk, to compare the members of the Padres to the cast of Anchorman - since it was set in San Diego. Because much like Danny Trejo - who played "bartender" - if you saw someone on the Padres walking down the street, you'd probably say "Hey, aren't you that guy?"...

Ron Burgundy - Greg Maddux. He's the "veteran" who's set in his ways and is trying to lead the rest of the team. He enjoys poetry, a nice glass of scotch, and peeing on rookies in the shower. And with 350 wins under his belt, he's kind of a big deal...

Brian Fantana - Brian Giles. He's very much into keeping his appearance up - he shaves his whole body and fake-tans every day. And Fantana also likes to keep his appearance up (remember his giant closet of cologne?). Also, it's rumored that Giles walks around naked in the clubhouse, so I bet he has a name for his penis. I hope he knows "The Octagon" has already been claimed by Fantana. Also, they have the first name. So they've got that going for them, which is nice (crap, I am cross-referencing other movies. I can't confuse myself like this).

Champ - Jake Peavy. Champ wore a cowboy hat, and Peavy recently sang at a Kenny Chesney concert. When in Rome...

Brick - Michael Barrett. "Hi, I'm Michael Barrett. Opposing teams seem to like me because I can't hit, can't catch anyone stealing, and punch my teammates." LOUD NOISES!

Veronica Corningstone - Adrian Gonzalez. Much like Veronica, Gonzalez is the wave of the future for the Padres. Sometimes it seems like he's the only competent one in a roomful of idiots. But rumor has it that he recently received a call from a Dr. Chim Richalds, who told him he has to quit baseball because he's knocked up.

Motorcycle guy who punts Baxter - Chris Young. Jack Black got knocked off his bike and was bleeding. Chris Young got knocked in the nose by a baseball and was bleeding. I think this connection is good enough...

Baxter - Trevor Hoffman. Someone needs to punt him off a bridge. At this point, his pitching is nothing of wonder. But if he pooped in the refrigerator and ate the whole wheel of cheese, now that would be different. I'm not even mad - that's amazing...

Ed Harken - Bud Black. Surrounded by idiocy, he just tries his best to keep things together.

"Greg, are you paying attention?"
"No."
"Well, this concerns all of us."
"Ok."

Lesbian Night at Safeco a Bust

2008-06-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

When a team is struggling, they'll try damn near anything to put asses in the seats. At 21-39, even Ichiro isn't bringing in the crowds to see the Mariners anymore so they had to do something radical:

"Hot Lesbian Action Night"

Our google hits just went up 15,000%. The M's hoped their attendance would increase too, but it wasn't to be. As the team struggled on the field, a lesbian couple got things going only to have an usher ask them to stop. Apparently a fan complained, using the old "how do I explain two women kissing to my children?" line.

Of course the real question that fan should be asking is "How do I explain to my children that I'm a hateful homophobe insecure in my own sexuality?" but I don't want to get into a political lecture here. I may have to explain that to the children. God forbid.

103 to go: The Dodgers are Torture Porn

2008-06-04T19:29:00.001-07:00

After a terrible road trip, the Dodgers returned home to get well against the worst team in baseball, the Colorado Rockies. Of course, by "get well" I mean "hit rock bottom".

With the pitching staff finally looking like they know what they're doing, the bats went to sleep and the Dodgers lost two of three. Brad Penny managed to not give up five runs Tuesday night, but because of the offense, he still couldn't win his first game in a month. In a Wednesday afternoon game that five people saw, a perfectly good outing by Clayton "We Card" Kershaw was wasted as the team could muster only one run.

Cubs are next and Rod Blagojevich never put his broom away after that debacle in Chicago last week. Good news for LA though: they have to get better and the Cubs have to get worse. Sorry Cubs Nation, but no team is going to ride Ryan Prom Night Dempster Baby to a World Series title.

Highlights from the series with Colorado:

Monday: Dodgers win and Jeff Kent cuts up the nerf football those "damn kids" keep throwing on his lawn.

Tuesday: Matt Kemp picks a fight with Yorvit Torrealba and ends up making him do wrong things.

Wednesday: The game starts at noon, sparing employed Dodger fans the pain of watching another loss to the hapless Rockies.

Do-It-Yourself

2008-06-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

Bankart Repair:

reattachment of the capsule and glenoid labrum to the glenoid lip;
subscapularis is carefully divided to expose the capsule, and is reapproximated without any overlap or shortening;

Caspsular transection:

external rotation of the humerus affords better capsular exposure and relaxes the nerve
insert a blunt retractor inferiorly to protect the axillary nerve, insert two single pronged skin hooks to elevate the capsule superiorly and place it under tension
vertically transect the capsule at a point midway between the lesser trochanter and the edge of the glenoid
carry this vertical capsular incision superiorly into the rotator interval, which converts the capsular incision into a T (since the rotator interval lies in a horizontal direction)
at the end of the case, the superior and inferior capsular capsular flaps are closed (and shortened) inorder to shift the inferior capsule in a superior direction
the vertical portion of the incision is closed anatomically (so that there will be no loss of external rotation)

Sound like something you could do yourself? Really? That's great news! That means you're qualified to be Mark Prior's doctor!

Jun 2 The Associated Press reports San Diego Padres SP Mark Prior (shoulder) will undergo shoulder surgery and miss the rest of the season. He will have surgery to repair the anterior capsule.

106 to go: The Dodgers Make Me Emo

2008-06-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers' trip to New York wasn't a fun one. Neither are their trips to the bathroom anymore. I won't say who, Scott Proctor, but someone keeps using other people's towels and now half the team is pissing razor blades. I have this from a reliable source.

I may have made that up. At least catching VD from Scott Proctor would explain their shitty play on the field. I certainly can't. Naturally, the old farts are blaming "the kids". The latest criticism came from Mark Sweeney. Yeah Mark, its clearly the kids' fault and not your veteran ass coming off the bench to hit 4 for 41. Asshole.

To rub salt in the wound, Saturday's game was called by Joe Fuck and Tim McCarver and Sunday's was ESPN's Joe Morgan special. Jon Miller, you do a good impersonation of Vin Scully, so you're OK by me. Get a fucking haircut though. You're like 80.

I can't even tell you what happened in the series. You know by now. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cut myself to Dashboard and comb my hair into my eyes.

Great Moments in Padre History

2008-06-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

Since their inception in 1969, the San Diego Padres have been known for three things: Tony Gwynn, ugly uniforms, and disappointment. Since we believe knowledge is power, we here at Finley will bring you some of the highlights of the past 40 years of Padre baseball.

July 25, 1990 - Jack Murphy Stadium, San Diego, CA - Roseanne Barr "Sings" the National Anthem

For reasons known only to them, the Padres invited comedienne Roseanne Barr to sing the national anthem before a Padre game. The team's ownership was in flux at the time, so maybe an intern suggested it as a joke and no one bothered to stop it. The results were predictably disastrous. Roseanne, a woman with a speaking voice that could break glass, screeched her way through the national anthem and then promptly spit and grabbed her crotch offending the half empty stadium and later, thanks to the magic of television, millions across the nation. Hear it here in all its glory. Truly a GREAT MOMENT IN PADRE HISTORY!

A's Roster News...

2008-05-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

So the A's just made a crap load of roster moves...

They placed both Sweeneys and Joey Devine on the DL, activated Kiko Calero from the disabled list, and called up Travis Buck, Carlos Gonzalez, and Brad Ziegler. Also, Eric Chavez made his season debut yesterday at DH (he's supposed to be back at 3rd base in tonight's game against Texas), and Frank Thomas was placed on the DL with a strained quad.

When asked to comment on all of the recent moves, Bob Geren said "It's unfortunate that Crosby is back on the DL after his strong start this season. And Harden was really getting into a groove, too. It's a shame he's hurt, again. Hopefully they'll both recover soon."

When he was informed it was not Crosby and Harden who were being placed on the DL, Geren replied "Oops! Sorry...It's just habit."

Wait, how many guys were placed on the DL? 3? 4? And none of them were named Harden or Crosby? Guys, April Fool's Day was last month...

The Crying Game

2008-05-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've just learned that some Angels fans have given Maicer Izturis the nickname "Crying Game" because he looks like the guy from that movie. This is the first bit of remotely interesting news I've heard about the Angels since the rat infestation was exposed.

110 to go...Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

2008-05-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

Had the Dodgers just stayed home and forfeited the series with Chicago, it wouldn't have been anymore embarassing than the result of the series: 3 games, 3 runs, 3 losses.

What else can I say? Well, I could point out that Cap Anson was a racist son of a bitch. About the series though? I got nothing. At least Tommy had the huevos to say "root root root for the Dodgers" when he sang the 7th inning stretch. If you want to see the Cubs' angle, check out Funk's ramblings on The Jizz...err, I mean The Gist over on TMS.

Rich Harden Injury Watch...

2008-05-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't been keeping score, Rich "I'm made of glass" Harden made his fourth straight start since coming off the DL earlier this month. It's the first time he's made 4 starts in a row since the beginning of the 2006 season.

So...To what do we owe this pleasant surprise? I think it's the facial hair.

Let's take a look at the facts for this season:

Rich Harden, before facial hair: 2 starts, 1 trip to the DL
Rich Harden, after facial hair: 4 starts (3 of which went 6 innings or more), no trips to the DL (yet)

What have we learned here? I am a genius.

Greg Smith...Let this be a warning:

If you want to have a fruitful and injury-free season, you'd better start growing something on that chin. And lose the necklace, please...

Maddux And The New Writer

2008-05-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

The pressure of winning game #351 must be weighing heavily on Greg Maddux.

Like I've mentioned here before, winning game #350 was tough enough for Maddux. Winning #351 is even harder. One game harder to be exact. The time between win 349 and 350 was 5 starts. So if my theory is correct, it'll be 6 starts until we get to that fabled mark of #351. So mark down Saturday, June 14th in your calendars. Mad Dog will be celebrating #351 in Cleveland.

In other Padres news, they are no longer the worst team in the majors! Good for them! The Pod People are currently one game better than the Seattle Mariners. Padres...Mariners...both outside shots at the playoffs...both have a hard time scoring runs...both have decent seafood. So they've got that going for them, which is nice.

And what better way to celebrate all that is Mariners' baseball than bringing in a fan to SFWH! We've got a new writer starting here some time this week, so be on the lookout. because if you're not, said new writer will most likely punch you in the throat and make off with your wallet. The picture below is the last person that messed with the new writer:

113 to go: Addition by Subtraction

2008-05-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers lost two of three over the weekend to St. Louis, but the real news was off the field. The Dodgers got much much better.

Gone:

Nomar - Sent to the 60 day DL. A stint on the 60 day DL with a strained calf? Take the hint and retire Nomar. The Blake DeWitt era is here to stay.

AndrEw - After inexplicably trying to avoid surgery, the Dodgers and Jones relented and put fatty on the DL. To go out in style, he appeared as a pinch hitter Saturday night and struck out with the go ahead run on.

Esteban Loaiza - DFA. Two partial seasons, two wins, six losses, and an ERA of nearly seven. All this for the low low price of $7.67 million. Nice pick-up Ned.

Here:

Clayton Kershaw - The Dodgers' 20 year old version of christ incarnate was called up to replace Loaiza and made his MLB debut Sunday. Six innings, two runs, and a no-decision...not to shabby.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Series with St. Louis: 0 for 1, 1K
Current BA: .165
Ks: 45 in 43 games

With his stint on the DL, it is highly unlikely he will finish with more Ks than BA points. Therefore, The AndrEw Jones Watch is placed on the indefinite DL.

Daft Funk's West Coast Musings

2008-05-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

Another Friday, another set of musings. West Coast Musings are the blogger who can't think of anything's best friend!

Before we get to this week's musings, there are two important pieces of info:

1. You can now simply type www.FinleyWasHere.com into your browser. No more Blogspot for us! Piss on them!

2. We have a store! Get your Finley on with our sweet shirts. Have an idea for a shirt? Send us an e-mail and request it. We can make pretty much anything.

Now, on to your regularly scheduled pointlessness.

So how about them Padres? Lost in the wake of Albert Pujols laying waste to their team like Brittney Spears tearing through a box of Waffle Crisp is Brian Giles. Since moving the former Pirate and artificial tanning aficionado to the #3 spot in the lineup, he's 15-25 this week. Expect to see him in another uniform by the end of the month.
Can I just say that Chris Young is a trooper? After getting his nose smashed in by Pujols, he calmly sat there on the ground next to the pitcher's mound, bleeding all over himself. He didn't even grimace...he just sat there as if he wasn't gushing out vital fluids and waited for the trainer. Although he may have had some kind of concussion...
Has anyone had a harder time over the last few weeks than the Oakland A's? They ran into Cleveland during their crazy-hot starting pitching scoreless streak. They went straight to Atlanta (20-5 at home). Then they hosted the red-hot first place Rays, who threw James Shields (3.38 ERA), Scott Kazmir (3-1, 1.57 ERA) and Andy Sonnanstine (6-1 at the time) at them. Now they get Boston, the best team in baseball and winners of 7 straight. Did I mention that the Red Sox will trot out Josh Beckett and Mr. No-Hit Jon Lester over the weekend?
Looking for a reason Oakland isn't scoring runs? Sure they've faced great pitching for a few weeks straight, but this season, Travis Buck, Mark Ellis, Kurt Suzuki, Rajai Davis, Jack Hannahan and Daric Barton have hit .193 out of the leadoff spot. In their 48 games this season, the A's first batter of the game has gone 7 for 47 (.149 AVG) with only one walk.
Barry Zito just can't catch a break, and I love it. Before he got "demoted" to the bullpen, Zito was 0-6 with an ERA of 7.54. In his 3 starts after returning to the rotation, he's got 3 straight quality starts and a respectable 3.94 ERA...and he's 0-2.
The Angels still continue to be MLB's most boring team. Where else could serious pre-Mitchell Report rumors of steroid use pop up for a player (Gary Matthews Jr.), and no one even really remembers? The government should start using Anaheim as a witness protection relocation area. Especially if they're relocating people like this brohamulus.
With the Diamondbacks' offense starting to fade and Andruw Jones out of the lineup, the Dodgers are making a move. They're only 2.5 games out of first. But knowing the Dodgers, they'll put Andruw Jones and Nomar back in within a few weeks.
The Mariners...still not very good. When is that breakout season by Felix Hernandez going to happen again?

That's all for today. Buy some shirts.

All-Stars In The Outfield...

2008-05-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

So rumor has it that Angel Stadium, home of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County just off the 5 freeway, will host the 2010 All-Star Game.

And to commemorate the event, every fan in attendance will get a limited edition pet rat!

Zing!

I'll leave you with this fun fact about "Angels In The Outfield:" According to IMDB, the movie was actually filmed at Oakland Coliseum. They say it's because the then-Los Angeles Rams were using the stadium in Anaheim (and this was before the Raiders came back to Oakland), but I say it's because even movie crews know that Oakland is better than Anaheim.

116 to go: Ganesh removes obstacles

2008-05-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

...and man oh man did he (she?) ever remove a big fat one keeping the Dodgers down. AndrEw Jones has
torn knee cartilage and a "golf-ball sized wart" that may require surgery. If he does, he'll be out 4-6 weeks. Inexplicably, the Dodgers are hoping he can avoid the procedure until the off season. Why? Are they that fucking stupid that they want an injured fat guy hitting .167 playing every day? The answer is of course yes and if you need any proof, just remember that they were dumb enough to sign him in the first place.

Jones did not play against the Reds. And how did the Dodgers respond without their "slugger"? Just a quick sweep of those commie bastards from the Rust Belt. Ho hum... His replacement in center, Matt Kemp, went 7 for 12 with 2 RBI in the series. Yeah, lets get fatty back as soon as possible. *rolls eyes*

Brad Penny continues to blow ass. The Dodgers won in spite of him giving up five runs in the first game and he has now allowed 20 runs in his last three starts. Someone check him for golf-ball sized warts please.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Series with the Reds: Did not play
Golf-ball sized warts: 1

Albert Pujols: Defiler Of Virgins, Destroyer Of Worlds

2008-05-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

Albet Pujols, shown above hanging out with mentor and fellow mongol Genghis Khan.

"Things can't get much worse for the Padres, can they?"

Surely the above sentence has been uttered in the greater San Diego area countless times over the last 2 months. Going from potential playoff contenders to potential 100 game losers will do that for a team.

"Things can't get much worse for the Padres, can they?"

Most people hear that as a question. Albert Pujols heard it and took it as a personal challenge.

Busy in the visitor's clubhouse before the game torturing midgets and eating babies whole, Pujols reflected on the numerous sissy fights he'd had earlier in the season with Astros pitcher Brandon Backe and catcher J.R. Towles (Wanna get high?"). Sure, doing a lot of yelling and taking someone's legs out from under them at home plate was fun and all, but both players were still around and well to help the Astros climb back into contention in the NL Central. "No," Albert thought to himself, showering in the blood of 75 virgins, "If I'm gonna keep us in this race, I need to take out the competition. Permanently."

"Things can't get much worse for the Padres, can they?"

With Jake Peavy already injured and Trevor Hoffman suffering from JoeBorowski-itis, Pujols set his sights on the starting pitcher for San Diego that evening: Chris Young. With the uncanny skill of a Hall Of Famer and the cold calculation of a serial rapist, Pujols slammed a pitch right back into Young's face, breaking his nose and knocking him out of the game.

"Things can't get much worse for the Padres, can they?"

Standing on first, Pujols had such a rush from the bloodletting that he decided he wasn't done. A few batters later, Pujols was breaking for home plate. Poor Josh Bard, catcher for the Padres, never knew what was coming. Pujols coldly slammed his foot into Bard's ankle on a slide, spraining it and knocking Bard out of the game as well.

On his way back to the dugout, Pujols surveyed the chaos and destruction he had created, and simply stated, "I'm finished."

The Rise And Fall Of The Cubs In California

2008-05-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

I've always known that the Cubs are a popular team. Even when they're on the road, there's always a large number of Cubs faithful in the stands. Hell, some stadiums have a 50-50 split (See: Miller Park).

But is this a good thing?

Tonight, while eating at the local chain Chinese food restaurant, I was sporting my Cubs hat. One of the waiters came up to me and asked how the Cubs were doing. Having to prove that he was a true fan, he whipped out his cell phone and showed me his Cubs wallpaper. Later, when dessert came, the waitress asked how the Cubs were doing. On the way out, another waiter said "Hey, go Cubs!"

Things look suspiciously like the Red Sox pre-2004. Before 2004, the Red Sox were the little team that couldn't. Everyone loved them and their fans because, gosh darn it, they tried so hard, didn't they? How cute is that?

So how are things going to work once the Cubs (hopefully) win the Series? Are the Cubs going to become the new Red Sox? Are we going to become just another big-market team with obnoxious fans and an overblown payroll a la the Yankees/Sox?

Right now, everyone in San Diego loves me and loves my Cubs hat. After a Series win, will I be just another frat douche walking around with the trendy hat of the week claiming that I had been a Cub fan all of my life, even though "no really, I've loved the Cubs forever" just like everyone else who comes out of the woodwork?

All I can hope for is that the year after the Cubs win the Series, the Indians win one of their own and take the pressure off the Cubs. Cleveland guys are douchebags too.

A's "O" Needs TLC ASAP

2008-05-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah - I don't really understand the title of this post, either...

But here's what I do understand: The A's offense has been having...shall we say..."problems" lately. They're 2-8 over their last 10, and they've scored 2 or less runs in 6 of those losses - 3 of them being shutouts. So after examining the team's roster, I have decided to make a few lineup suggestions. Here's how I'd shuffle up the order:

1. Bobby Crosby - I think Crosby should be batting leadoff right now. He's got one of the highest batting averages on the team (as far as everyday players go), and although he may not fit the ideal "leadoff" profile, he does have a decent amount of speed and has shown patience at the plate from time-to-time (although it would be nice if he showed a bit more consistency).
2. Jack Hannahan - Aside from Jack Cust, he's the everyday player with the highest OBP. He also takes a lot of walks. The reason I don't think he should bat leadoff is because when Crosby's healthy, he seems to be a better baserunner than Hannahan has proven to be so far. It's early in his career, and he might develop into a decent leadoff hitter, but right now, I don't think he has the experience to set the table.
3. Frank Thomas - When Jack Cust was struggling, it made sense to bat Frank Thomas behind him for protection. But now that Cust is finally warming up (so far this month, he's slugging close to .600), I think we should have him protect Thomas (who before yesterday's 2 homer game, had a SLG close to .400, which is quite a bit off from his career mark of .558) until he starts to hit for more power (he showed signs of life with the multi-homer game against Tampa Bay). Hitting in front of Cust should get Thomas a few more fastballs, which'll hopefully allow him to hit a couple more home runs.
4. Jack Cust - (see above). And here's a fun piece of Jack Cust trivia (courtesy of the always truthful wikipedia): He and teammate Jack Hannahan are both legally named John Joseph, yet both choose to go by Jack. In other fun trivia, my dog's name was JJ, but it was short for Joseph Junior. See the connection here? Nope. I don't, either.
5. Emil Brown - His RBI total = high enough to bat near the top of the order. His OBP = low enough to bat towards the bottom. Let's compromise and stick him in the middle.
6. Daric Barton - Forever known as the "other guy" in the Dan Haren/Mark Mulder trade, Barton is not having the rookie season Billy Beane promised me. It's still early, but here's what we know so far: Barton does walk a lot, but he also strikes out a lot, and has one of the lowest SLG in the lineup. I haven't given up on Barton - he could get good - but right now, he's like Jack Cust, but without the power (and the portly frame). So that's why he's sixth.
7/8. Kurt Suzuki/Mark Ellis - Kurt Suzuki started the year out hitting pretty well. According to the A's website, he batted .339 over his first 17 games. But now he's in a slump and has lost the leadoff spot in the order. So until he starts hitting the ball again more consistently, it's down in the lineup for him. Ellis ain't doing so hot, either (he was batting .200 in May before he got hurt), so when he comes back from his injury, he should be in the bottom, too.
9. Ryan Sweeney - Sweeney has some promise, and batting him this low in the lineup will take pressure off him while he develops. The other advantage of batting him ninth is that he can act as a sort of "second leadoff hitter," since his average is currently hovering around .300. If Rajai Davis is in the lineup, he'll work as a second leadoff man, too, mostly because of his speed.

Now, if Bowen's in the lineup, put him in Suzuki's spot. If Murphy or Petit are in the lineup, put them in Ellis' spot. If Mike Sweeney is in the lineup at DH, put him at cleanup and put Cust in the 3 spot. If Mike Sweeney is playing 1st base, put him 2nd, and drop Hannahan down to Barton's spot in the lineup.

Bob Geren, if you're confused by any of this, call me. We'll do lunch...

Now, who bats third?

119 to go: Walt Disney was a racist

2008-05-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

A weekend for the Dodgers in the Tragic Kingdom is always, well, tragic. Without fail, a trip down to the land of Disney and plowed under orange groves never ends good for them and this series was no exception. Fully anticipating the debacle, I really didn't pay much attention to the games. They won on Saturday in 98 degree heat, but couldn't get it done in the other two games.

Let me just point out that this is one of the primary reasons I hate interleague play. The Dodgers have to play the Angels 6 times a year while division rivals like San Diego, Arizona, and Colorado get to play whatever sad sack American League division we're matched up with this year (the mighty AL Central this time!). Its fundamentally unfair. Fuck you Bud Selig.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Series with California of Los Angeles of Anaheim: 0 for 11, 5Ks
Current BA: .167
Projected K Total: 170

Panic in Padre-Land

2008-05-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

Panic you say? Panic because they have the worst record in the majors? Panic because they have the largest deficit in the standings? Panic because Mark Prior will never see the light of day? No, no, none of these things. They're panicking and searching for the nearest ledge because their pride and joy, Jake Peavy, has discomfort in his elbow. Uh oh.

Face it, the season is lost for the Padres, and we haven't even made it to Labor Day. Oh sure, stranger things have happened, but look at that roster. It is not major league quality. Most fans and anyone around the team knows their offense is abysmal, but they have the pitching, right? Yeesh, not when you're counting on the incredible comeback story that is Shawn Estes. Not when the normally reliable Chris Young has an ERA over 4.00. Or you're throwing Randy Wolf and his 5.00 ERA every fifth day, and not when Greg Maddux is showing that he's wearing down. And now Peavy. Let's just hope it's inflammation I suppose...

This team needs an overhaul. Fortunately, they have just the right guy in the front office to work on this, though his exact role is vague, and we don't know if or how much control he has over any personnel moves. Jody Gerut is a quality stopgap until a Felix Pie or equivalent can be traded for. Obviously Giles needs to go at the trade deadline; someone will need an outfielder with a strong OBP down the stretch, even if only in a bench role. Trade Greene and cross your fingers for a decent pitching prospect or corner outfileder in return. Let Maddux go to a contender for one more run, perhaps a reunion with the Braves or Cubs, though by all accounts he wants to stay in Southern California. Peavy (elbow willing) and Gonzalez are your building blocks, but that's nothing you fans don' t already know. Sit back and don't fret too much this year, or next year, or the year after that. Accept the fact that this is a rebuilding project and embrace the positive steps that are sure to be taken. Hey, at least you have a great park to take in a game.

R.I.P. 2007-2008 Utah Jazz

2008-05-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

JAZZ DOMINATION has come to an end, and I must say, it didn't end as I had imagined it. In my mind there was going to be a lopsided stomping of the Boston Celtics in game 6 of the finals. The fans at Polygamy Solutions Arena would go wild and rowdy crowds outside would riot and burn SLC police cars. It would have been glorious.

Well, it ended in game six in Salt Lake, but not as described above. The Lakers, clearly cheating as usual, jumped out to a big lead and never surrendered it. Oh, they tried alright. Leading 15-19 for most of the game, they fell apart in the 4th quarter so bad that Utah had a chance to tie the game at the buzzer, but it wasn't to be.

What went wrong? Frankly in game 6, pretty much everything, but lets set that aside for a moment. The real problem in the series was the complete disappearance of Carlos Boozer. Carlos really only showed up in Game 4, never being seen or heard from before or after. Had Boozer put up his average numbers from the season, the Jazz very likely would have won the series.

The hoisting of a championship banner in Salt Lake is therefore put off for another year. It will happen my friends, oh yes. The talented core of the Jazz is young and the last two seasons of playoff ball can only help build them up for next year.

The highlight of the season for me was the total emergence of Deron "Mormon Chocolate" Williams as a force to be reckoned with in the NBA. Williams runs the offense as skillfully and brilliantly as Stockton did back in the day and while his pick'n'roll teammate Boozer vanished in the playoffs, Deron did his best to carry the load.

Aside from Williams, two of his teammates made an impression in my eyes. Mehmet "The Turk" Okur has moved up my list of favorite Jazz players. Big men who can rain threes aren't something that comes around every day. The strong performance of Andrei "AK47" Kirilenko in the playoffs allowed me to forgive his pre-season sins. His two threes late in game 6 to put Utah in a position to tie were beyond clutch.

Making Up for Lost Time

2008-05-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

If you are among our four loyal readers, you have noticed a dearth of Padres and Angels coverage in this young season. Much like the Padres with their Jim Edmonds mishap, we have now realized our error and will work to rectify it. Oh, but the Edmonds reference is old news already. If he was going to hop over to the Cubs so quickly, couldn't the Padres have at least traded him to the North Side in exchange for another "ill-tempered, underperforming, might as well hang 'em up" player ala Mark Prior and Michael Barrett? Surely the Cubs could have given the Pads Jason Marquis...

Ah, but I digress...or something. YOUR San Diego Padres, as your beloved radio play-by-play man Ted Leitner would call them in these darkened times, have reached the lowest of lows, and should probably be spared ridicule from outsiders like us. Unfortunately, we can't let that happen. It's not what Steve Finley would have us do. We will pile on when necessary from here on out, and though we would praise any positive revelation on San Diego's season, we just don't foresee any of those happening. Brace yourselves Padres fans, it will indeed be a long, grueling summer.

Lest the Angel fans feel slighted, I can assure their loyal followers that they will not escape SFWH's wrath. Matthew Brown? Really? Yikes. Howie Kendrick = Mr. Glass. I won't even go into the rest of their young stars that they should have parted ways with years ago. I hope they're grooming a new closer for next year.

It's a long season, and there is plenty of time for Vlad's knee cartilage to disappear or Peavy's arm to blow out. We'll be here to detail the rest of it, including the expected purge in San Diego, and Anaheim's (not Los Angeles) perennial futility at the trade deadline. We hope you hang in there with us.

Daft Funk's West Coast Musings

2008-05-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, so you know what that means...right? It means that I've slacked off long enough and so now I'm bringing you the highlights of what's happening on the West Coast.*

*TRANSLATION: I can't think of anything else to write about.

Cue up the Ron Burgundy: "Here's what's happening in your world...today.

Yesterday against the Cubs, Greg Maddux failed to deliver his much anticipated 351st career win. One has to wonder if the pressure of winning #351 is getting to Maddux. Remember how hard it was for him to get to 350 and all the media attention he got every time he took the mound? Well this one is much harder. It's...well, it's one game harder. It's one more difficult. And this amp goes up to 11.
The Indians completed a sweep of the A's yesterday. You gotta feel for the Athletics. They hit Cleveland at the worst time. How often do starting pitchers go an entire week without giving up a run? I especially feel bad for Greg Smith. The rookie lost his third straight start yesterday. Over his last 4 starts, he's only given up 10 earned runs in 24.2 innings (a respectable ERA of 3.65) with 26 strikeouts...and he's 0-3.
Question Of The Week: Are the Giants better than we thought, or is the rest of the NL West just that bad? Right now, the Giants are ahead of both the Padres and Rockies in the standings and are a surprising 11-11 at home. But their record may be deceiving; the Giants are 8-8 against the equally terrible West and 6-16 against the rest of the NL.
There really is no in-between with the Dodgers' Chad Billingsley. He's either great or not-so-great. In 10 starts this season, Chad's given up one earned run or less 6 times and given up 4 or more runs 4 times. I guess it doesn't matter if he wins or if he loses, as long as he does whatever he does all the way. Go big or go home, right broham? I feel like a tool just typing that...
The Lakers gotta win tonight in Utah to put their series away. I love watching the crowd whenever games are in Utah. There was a woman in a courtside seat in Game 3 that was seriously wearing an ankle-length dress. In LA, I don't think girls in courtside seats are allowed to cover more than 40% of their body.
The Angels...still annoy the piss out of me. What a dull and boring team. In fact, the mere thought of them boils my blood so much that I can't write any more.

That's all. Apologies to Seattle, but we're all out of time.

122 to go: Is that Halley's Comet?

2008-05-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

No, that was something almost as rare: an AndrEw Jones home run. I guess its no surprise that a fat man like Jones waited to visit a town of fat men for his bat to wake up. Jones went an astounding three for nine in the series driving in two runs.

Not so rare? Fellow fat man Brad Penny blowing ass. Coming off a 10-run outing against New York, Penny gave up 5 runs in the first game of this series. Its now a toss-up between Penny and Lowe to see which Dodger pitcher will make me throw something at the TV first.

Someone tell Ryan Braun to lay off the eyeliner please...

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Series with Milwaukee: 3 for 9, 2RBI, 1HR (Way to go tubby!)
Current BA: .182
Projected K Total: 162

Meet The Athletics

2008-05-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

Due to the frequently rotating roster of the Oakland Athletics, I have decided to compose a short bio of some of the players that may be unknown to the masses. You never know - you might read one of these bios and find a new favorite player...Or you might think to yourself "Wow - how can I get those 2 minutes of my life back?" Either way, today I'd like you to meet (per request): Catcher Kurt Suzuki...

Who is the man behind this mask?

Kurt Suzuki was born on October 4, 1983 in Hawaii. He grew up, learned to play baseball, then attended Cal State Fullerton, where he had a pretty successful college career. Some highlights: In 2004, he won the Johnny Bench award (given yearly to the top college catcher), was selected as a 1st team College All-American, and won the inaugural Brooks Wallace award (player of the year award given by the College Baseball Foundation). He also helped Cal State Fullerton win the 2004 College World Series (over Huston Street's Texas Longhorns).

Suzuki was drafted by the A's in 2004. During his time in the minors, he batted .283 with a .380 OBP. He was a Double-A All-Star in 2006, and during that year, he threw out about 40 percent of baserunners, which ain't too shabby. He also played for Team USA. He was called up in June of last year, and became the starting catcher when Jason Kendall was traded to the Cubs. During his time with the A's in 2007, he batted .249 with 7 home runs.

This year, Suzuki started out the pretty well. According to the A's website, he batted .339 over his first 17 games, and took the leadoff spot from a slumping Travis Buck. But now, Kurt seems to be in his own slump, so he's been dropped in the order for the time being. But he's thrown out about 35 percent of baserunners so far this year, which isn't bad. There's still a lot of baseball to be played, so we'll see what happens. Either way, Kurt has definitely been a contributer in the A's surprising start to the season.

I'll end with this fun fact: In the 68 games he played for Oakland in 2007, Suzuki hit over double the number of home runs that Jason Kendall hit during his entire time with the A's.

Yep, Its Clearly Collusion...

2008-05-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

MLB had better do a thorough investigation as to whether or not there is collusion among teams to keep Barry Bonds out of the league. I mean, what team wouldn't want to drop millions on a 43 year old who can't play the field anymore, lives under a cloud of steroid suspicion, and is now facing 15 felony counts of lying to a grand jury?

Free Tim Lincecum Update

2008-05-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

Since we announced the Free Tim Lincecum movement, he's established himself as the Giants' premier pitcher and the only thing standing between them and the sweet release of oblivion. Tim is currently 5-1 with an outstanding 1.61 ERA, most recently going a strong 8 against Philadelphia for the win.

This just reinforces the need to free him from this orange and black prison. Did you even notice how good he was doing? I doubt it. Since the Bonds circus has moved on, the media has taken to ignoring the Giants like they do with every other team that plays in California. I can't say I blame them. I doubt Eugenio Valez highlights help your ratings too much.

125 to go: Uggh....

2008-05-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I don't even want to write about this series. Its too depressing. The Dodgers have gone from red hot to ice cold in a matter of days, losing four straight including a sweep by the Astros. Yesterday, Hiroki Kuroda took a no hitter into the 6th only to have it blown by the bullpen.

The lone bright spot? Blake DeWitt. He went 5 for 11 in the series. Good thing Nomar will take his job when he's "healthy"...sigh.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Series with Houston: 1 for 6, 2Ks
Current BA: .170
Projected K Total: 171

Guess Who's Back...

2008-05-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

The starting pitcher for the A's today was...Rich Harden?

Yes, Harden made his first start today since being placed on the DL with a shoulder strain. He has made 6 trips to the DL over the last 4 seasons. Apparently, it's very "Hard"en for him to stay healthy. Zing!

Anyway, Harden's start was, in a word, blah. He gave up 5 runs in 3 2/3 innings, and seemed to have control problems, considering he walked 4 guys. The A's did win the game, though (Casilla got the win). And Harden did have 5Ks.

At this point, all we can do is hope that Harden doesn't wake up tomorrow with some kind of tightness or soreness.

However, what was impressive about Harden's start today was his sweet facial hair. A while back, I had suggested that Harden grow some facial hair as a last-ditch effort to stay healthy. Today, he showed up looking like this:

It's good to see that Rich Harden is a fan of SFWH, and hopefully his new face fur will bring him good health for the rest of the season*

* Yes, I just typed "Rich Harden" and "good health" in the same sentence.

Riches to Rags

2008-05-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

Italian citizen and mustache aficionado Mike D'Antoni has opted to leave the Phoenix Suns in favor of the New York Knicks. Why in gods name would anyone do such a thing? New York sucks and I mean that in terms of the city AND the team. Patrick Ewing and the days of respectability in New York are so far in the past they're now studied in archeology classes.

It was probably the money ($24 million) and the realization that nothing was going to happen with the Suns. Mike's run'n'gun style and the half assed attitude of stars like Nash and Stoudemire couldn't get it done in the playoffs. The Suns won at least 54 games in each of his full seasons as head coach but couldn't win a Championship.

The Suns now begin an off-season coaching search for the first time since 1988.

Jim Edmonds was Here

2008-05-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

No, that "396" isn't his age...but its close.

The Padres, who have replaced the Giants as the team in the NL West most likely to lose 100 games, have
released Jim Edmonds. Edmonds was a shell of his former self, hitting just .178 and unable to shag fly balls. The team called up Jody Garut to replace him. You may remember Jody if you're related to him, and probably not even then.

You haven't heard much about the Padres here on SFWH, but to be blunt, they're a joke. They've fallen to a major league worst 12-23 and currently sit 11 games behind the Arizona Diamondbacks. Unable to score any runs, they have repeatedly foiled Greg Maddux' attempts at getting career win 350. Frankly Bulldog, it serves you right. You should have taken one look at that roster and ran for the hills. Unless you signed with Kansas City or Washington, you probably could have wrapped up your career with some measure of respectability if not on a contender. Lots of teams currently at the top of the league have gaping holes in their rotations right now.

So anyway, goodbye Jim Edmonds. I never liked you anyway.

128 to go: I heart Blake DeWitt

2008-05-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers continued their hot streak, taking two of three from the Mets. We'll just pretend that Wednesday afternoon game didn't happen...

The Good

Blake DeWitt hit the first inside the park home run for the Dodgers in five years Tuesday night. He's currently hitting .306 and has already played Andy LaRoche out of a job. With any luck, Nomar will be out of a job soon too... Not to be forgotten, Matt Kemp has a 12 game hitting streak.

The Bad

Brad Penny has stunk up the place in his last two starts, going only five innings against Colorado and surrendering 10 runs in 4.2 innings against the Mets on Wednesday.

The Ugly

AndrEw Jones' batting average with runners in scoring position? .038 - ouch.

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Series with New York: 2 for 8, 2Ks
Current BA: .170
Projected K Total: 177

Don't Be Sad, Chad...

2008-05-07T17:31:00.000-07:00

I'm a sad panda...

The A's have too many decent starting pitchers...

What a nice problem to have...

Chad Gaudin is being moved from the rotation to the bullpen in order to make room for Rich Harden. Harden is scheduled to start Sunday against Texas.

So let's break this down: All of the A's starters have disadvantages - Blanton and Gaudin have the highest ERAs, Eveland walks a lot of guys and seems to have a problem going deep into games, Duke is injury-prone, and Greg Smith is the "new guy" without much big league pitching experience.

But even though Blanton's numbers are worse than Gaudin's, Joe has proven that he's a durable starter who doesn't get hurt and can go deep into games. Plus, in a few of Blanton's losses, he pitched pretty well, but the offense couldn't give him any run support. I think you've gotta give Greg Smith a chance because he's pitched really well since being called up. So far, his "worst outing" was when he gave up 6 hits and 3 earned runs against Kansas City. Although Duke spent some time on the DL, his numbers have been good when he starts - he hasn't given up more than 2 earned runs in an outing, and he has good control - posting an 18/5 K/BB ratio. So now it comes down to Eveland and Gaudin. Rookie Eveland has been a starter for the majority of his minor league career, while Gaudin has pitched out of the bullpen for the majority of his time in the majors. So at the end of the day, the decision appears to make sense...

But I wouldn't be too frustrated if I were Gaudin. After all, what are the chances Harden stays healthy for more than 2 weeks? You'll probably get your job back soon enough, buddy...

Zito On Return To The Rotation: "Uhhh..Rad."

2008-05-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

So after being demoted to the bullpen last week, Barry Zito is scheduled to start today against the Pirates. Zito made no relief appearances during his "vacation," as he was too busy taking yoga classes and playing John Mayer songs on the guitar for underage girls at a local high school lock-in.

In this picture, it is unclear whether Zito is explaining how many millions of dollars he made during his "vacation," or showing the media how many runs he's going to give up in his return to the starting rotation...

131 to go: Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

2008-05-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

A day late and a dollar short...oh well, you weren't looking forward to this recap of the Dodgers and Rockies anyway. Suffice it to say, the Dodgers took two out of three and that ain't bad. How's this for esoteric Mr. Sullivan?

Baby we can talk a-all night, but that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can, there's nothin' left inside of here
And maybe you can cry a-all night, but that'll never cha-ange the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside, I wish you wouldn't make me lea-eave here
I poured it on and I poured it ou-out, I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long, I'm cryin' icicles instead of tears

And all I can do, is keep on tellin' you
I want you (I want you), I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way-ay I'm ever gonna lo-ove you
Now don't be sad (don't be sad 'cause)
'Cause two out of three ai-ain't bad
Now don't - be-ee sad, ('cause) 'cause two out of three ain't bad

You'll never find your go-old on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're lookin' for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hidin' at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box

I can't lie (I can't lie...)
I can't tell you that I'm somethin' I'm not
No matter how I try, I'll never be able
To give you somethin', somethin' that I just haven't got (woh-oh)

Well there's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many year-ears ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back, ooh-ooh I know

Well I remember how she left me on a stormy night
Ahh, she kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away-ay-ay
And she kept on tellin' me, sh

The AndrEw Jones Watch

Series with Colorado: 2 of 10, 5Ks
Current BA: .163
Projected K Total: 184

SFWH Player Playlist

2008-05-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

America seems to be captivated by celebrity iPod playlists. When the contents of President Bush's iPod were revealed, the media jumped all over it. And iTunes features the playlists of such A-listers as Judith Light (Avril Lavigne? Really?), Poison (they have their OWN songs on their playlist. That's lame), and Donny Osmond (he's got Avril Lavigne on there, too! What the hell is wrong with these people?). So due to the fact that I have access to several West Coast baseball clubhouses,* (Alyssa Milano hooked me up) I've decided to share certain players' playlists with you, the loyal reader. Today, we're going to take a look at Barry Zito's playlist...

Now, Barry Zito already has a playlist on iTunes, but due to his recent banishment to the bullpen, his taste in music has changed. And since the Giants are probably afraid to put him in ANY game, he's going to have a lot of time to sit around and listen to this. So here's his newest playlist:

Loser - Beck
How Do You Like Me Now?! - Toby Keith
Bad Day - Daniel Powter
Help! - The Beatles
Take The Money and Run - The Steve Miller Band
Nobody's Fault But Mine - Led Zeppelin
Unwell - Matchbox Twenty
Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
Loser - 3 Doors Down
Stuck With You - Huey Lewis and the News
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Is This It - The Strokes
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams - Green Day
I Practically Stole Over 100 Million Dollars But I Don't Care Because I'm a Long-Haired Hippie - Barry Zito

* No, I don't. I made all of this up.

134 to go: The Brooms Stay Out

2008-05-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

Keep the brooms out Arnie! Another series, another sweep. The Dodgers who were on life support just a week ago have rebounded with a second consecutive series sweep.

Hits

Blake DeWitt nearly hit a grand slam Wednesday night. With LA already up big, Blake crushed a ball that would have gone out of any proper baseball stadium.

Russell Martin continued to rebound from his slow start. In 11 days, he has raised his batting average a full 100 points and has now hit in 8 straight.

Juan Pierre is an RBI machine. He now has 10 on the year in limited duty.

Misses

Frankly, at this point, I'm bored with bashing Fat Ass Jones, but he is now literally the only guy on the team save for Gary Bennett who can't hit the ball. Jones was 1 for 6 in the first two games before Torre sat him down today.

Attendance

If your team gets swept and no fans bother to show up, did it really happen? Something to ponder Florida...

The AndrEw Jones Watch

This Series: 1 for 6
Current BA: .159
Projected K Total: 168

Greg Maddux Gets Pissed Off, Pisses On Teammates

2008-04-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Try #3 from Greg Maddux to get his 350th win were foiled by the Phillies last night. My advice for Maddux? Slip on that old Braves uniform underneath your Padres uni and see if it helps.

Of course, we wouldn't still be waiting for #350 if Trevor "Awful" Hoffman hadn't blown the same last time out by giving up a home run to *snicker* a Molina!

The Giants Are Awful Part 3 OR Bochy To Zito: "Fuck Off"

2008-04-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

Tired of having to spend an extra 6 hours after each Barry Zito home start cleaning up dried vomit from the stands, the cleaning crew at SBC/Pac Bell/AT&T Park in San Francisco finally got their wish: Barry Zito is headed to the bullpen.

"I'm certainly not happy with it, by any means," Zito said. "But this is the bed that I've made. I have to lay in it for the time being and I have to overcome. I trust management and I trust what their decisions are."

Now that's all well and good for the press, but to find out what Zito really thinks, we have to run that quote through the SFWH Official Athlete Translator. Here's what it came up with:

"I'd rather stay out of the bullpen because ladies won't sleep with relievers but I'm not really too mad at it because I sleep on a pile of cash bigger than your house."

This seems like good news for Giants fans, but bad news for the rest of us who really wanted to see Zito lose 20 games this year. But as I predicted before the season, Barry Zito has kept his ERA higher than the price of gas here in California all season, and it looks to stay that way. And considering Zito's ERA is 7.53, if gas ever gets that high, you won't read about it here because I'll be too poor to care about writing about the Giants.

Disgusted with his own pitching, Barry Zito tries to ram his fingers into his own brain through his nose.